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-   -   Hugs for EVERYBODY! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9997)

MrFarFromRight 05-19-2011 10:34 AM

I'm just back home after 27 days away and over 3500km of hitch-hiking [with its mix of baaad luck and wonderful encounters with new people:)]. I came back to a shit-load of work in the vegetable patch, but the last 2 days have seen quite a bit of progress – including the building of 2 piles of weeds, one of which is over 1m high and 2m across at the base.

While I was working in the garden yesterday, I got the idea that I’d like to send ALL of you – polys and monos; happily adjusted:) and struggling:confused:; vanillas, chocolates, and raspberry-ripples; solos, yetis, unicorns, Vs, triads, quads, and mini-cities:D:D:D – a hug. I’m so glad that I found this site, I’m so glad to be back home, and I wanted to share that with you all.

Scientific studies have demonstrated that physical hugs contribute to general health and happiness. I suspect that no scientific study has been carried out into the effect of virtual hugs, but here goes:o:

MrFarFromRight 05-19-2011 10:48 AM

The DANGER of hugs in infra-familiar relationships
Two years ago I visited my fundamentalist-Christian family after not seeing them for over 9 years. Because of the distance involved, my commitments closer to home, my discomfort in their presence, and my financial situation, my visits are well spaced out and – to make the long trip worthwhile – of several months’ duration. My mother is an 85+ year-old widow with Alzheimer’s Disease. Since I can’t take my turn looking after her one night a week, I decided that I would “work off my duty” in one 5-month stretch. However, when I got there I found that 2 very conservative brothers had decided that – since I am no longer a Christian – I am not a “fit” person to care for my mother. “We are happy to have you here visiting, but caring for Mother has been taken care of, so just enjoy your stay.”

They were upset:eek::eek: that I hugged the professional care-givers hired to look after my mother. 2 weeks after my arrival, I was advised not to continue doing so. [I was also advised that any communication - of more than a trivial, “Please pass the salt” kind – between me and the care-givers should be channeled through one of these brothers or his wife (who live dozens of miles from my mother, while I was staying in her house and seeing the care-givers daily)!!!] I replied that I would continue, as long as it was alright with the care-givers. Let me make this absolutely clear: NOT ONE PERSON involved – myself, my siblings, my mother, and the care-givers – had the slightest suspicion that these hugs were in any way sexual or romantic. But for these 2 brothers (and perhaps others in the family), it wasn’t “the done thing”.

I GREW UP in this family. I USED to be a fundamentalist Christian myself. I USED to be very uncomfortable with my body and with any physical demonstrations of affection. My own mother – as far as I can remember – didn’t use to hug me as a child. When she started doing so [making up for lost time?] when I was an adolescent, I was VERY uncomfortable. [As an adult, it is I who is making up for lost time – with her and with others.] I USED to be self-loathing and border-line suicidal. I can understand my siblings discomfort. But I – thanks be to my “fall from Grace”!!! – have grown out of it.

To cut short a long and – at times – distasteful story, 6 weeks before my flight home, these 2 brothers called me aside and informed me that I would have to move out of my mother’s house for the rest of my stay. (They suggested [as alternative accommodation] another brother’s [sealed off from upstairs] hot and humid basement – an hour’s drive by motorway from my mother’s home [and I have no driver’s licence, so would have had to depend on my siblings’ “goodwill” for carefully-rationed - and chaperoned - visits] - with a total of 2 electric sockets [it was necessary to keep a fan running all night in order not to drown in sweat, the other socket was for a standing lamp], no provision for cooking meals, a garden-type tap [suspended from the ceiling, ½ metre from the wall and over a metre above the floor, which sprayed the wall and nearby discarded electrical appliances every time it was turned on] in a room not the bathroom as the only source of water, rotting floorboards, NO floorboards in the bathroom, so that to flush the toilet, a bucket of water had to be carried over a rickety plank bridge. In order to have a bath, I would have to go out to the street (locking the basement door), bang on my (deaf) brother’s front door (or use a long pole to tap on a back window of the house [built on a hillside]) and “beg permission”. THIS brother had not shown me any warmth in the previous 3½ months of my stay. You will – I HOPE – be happy to read that I made other, MUCH more satisfactory, arrangements for these 6 weeks.)

The reasons that they gave for the necessity of my moving out? Well the chief one [that they admitted to] seemed to be that I was being unreasonable and was continuing to hug the hired care-givers. [2 of the care-givers have confided in me that I’m their favourite member of the family:o:). One had said: “Why, I can TALK to you! I just don’t feel comfortable talking with your brothers.” When I informed her that I would be leaving sooner than planned, she burst out crying and blamed herself: “It was ME who hugged you first! You wouldn’t have hugged me if I hadn’t done that. It’s all my fault!” It took me 2 hours to calm her down: “It’s NOT your fault! It’s NOT my fault. My brothers have serious psychological problems with emotions and especially with affection.” I’m not sure that I was 100% successful in convincing her that it wasn’t her fault...]

I’m bi-polar:):(:):(. I have had to deal all my life with mood swings. I have seriously considered suicide on many occasions. But, every time, I tell myself: “This is just one of your depressions. Just ride it out and in a few days, you’ll be glad to be alive.”
21 months ago, as I sat in the aeroplane that flew me 1000s of km away from my crack-pot family, I THANKED MY LUCKY STARS that I hadn’t ended up like them.
... and I haven’t been depressed ONCE since then.:):)

Castalia 05-19-2011 04:54 PM

escape from our destructive and extremely dysfunctional families it sometimes the best medicine for what ails us. trying to care for an ill parent is a very draining and noble act (can you tell i've been there?) but when the rest of the family is resisting and resenting you for whatever reason, your own survival(mental or physical) becomes paramount.
i'm sorry that your family is full of such difficult and cold people, its extremely painful when the people you share blood with treat you worse than a stranger on the street. i haven't spoken to my family in about three years, yes it's painful and i mourn the family i should have had, that i deserve, but breaking away was to only to heal.
on a happier note, yay for the garden, it's gratifying to know you've done something productive, isn't it ? i redesigned mine this year, have about half planted and even ended up with a shaded little reading spot.:D

Kay 05-20-2011 01:27 AM

It is a very sad thing but sometimes family is not what we would want it to be. I am blessed in the fact that I have very loving parents. However there parents were not as loving to them. My Grandmother (mother's side) is pretty much as cold hearted as you can get. I agree that when family actions hurt you in any way it is best to break the bond eventhough it is a very hard thing. I am sorry to hear about your mother and hope she goes on getting loving care from her caregivers. I am also glad to hear you are home once again and working with the garden. I have a black tumb and can not grow a thing and have decied it is better not to try. Poor plants :( So to close I will send you hugs hugs and more hugs :)

Somegeezer 05-20-2011 07:42 AM

*Sends hugs right back*. I'm not close with my own family at all. I certainly won't be upset when and if my mother moves away to Canada and my sister to the US. I'll be quite comfortable in my own little house. =] But I do have my friends. Which I couldn't live without. I love giving them all hugs. =]

Kay 05-28-2011 07:30 AM

In such a great mood just want to send out hugs to all!!! Think my pillow os calling me sleep well all :p

MrFarFromRight 05-31-2011 01:35 PM

I haven't been signing in to polyamory.com much lately, because I'm heavily invoved in the Spanish Revolution. (Not exactly off-topic, because there's a lot of hugging going on:):):) - in fact, I'm mentioned in an article [well: I and several others asking for hugs]) that my old friend, Jimmy, wrote about it. [I don't know why I call him "old"... I'm actually a bit older than he is.]

A Revolution of hugs is no bad idea!

Breathesgirl 05-31-2011 07:21 PM


Can you imagine how the American Revolutionary or Civil Wars would have turned out if the powers that be had decided they would HUG their enemies rather than shoot them? :eek::eek::D

I much prefer hugging an enemy to death over shooting them :D:D:D:D.

Oh yeah, welcome back home.

Much grand hugs are winging their way to you as I type this. ENJOY!

marksbabygirl 05-31-2011 07:37 PM

*pulls the group close and squeezes tight in a bear hug*

Ahhhhh I needed that :) ;)

MrFarFromRight 06-01-2011 10:47 PM

It's 0:39 and my eyes keep closing. Normally, this isn't late for me, but I've had about 6 hours sleep total in the last 3 days. The hugs I get (physical and virtual) are helping a lot. ¡Viva la Revolución!:):):) I'm going to take part in a clown show for an anti-nuclear vigil on Monday, after a mission to "conquer" Penyagolosa [1813m] (walking 60km? spread over 2 days) and plant a revolutionary flag on the top this weekend. Have offered to push a wheelchair part of the way.
More hugs to all of you!

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