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-   -   protection and women (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9991)

Freedom 05-19-2011 07:56 AM

protection and women
 
As I am new to the idea of polyamory I wonder what women feel about their partners not caring if they sleep with other men?
I know my girlfriend is interested in other men however she said to me that she would be concerned about 'the protection feelings of a man towards his girlfriend if he didnt mind her sleeping with other men'.

Do other women feel like this?

TruckerPete 05-19-2011 11:39 AM

I would be concerned if hubby or boyfriend "didn't care." I mean, they SHOULD care, because any new relationships will impact them. Whether it's the sexual health of a FWB or integrating a whole new relationship into our lives, there are reasons to care.

Any dealings I've had with Protector Syndrome have been irritating and insulting. Tell me the truth and let me deal with the world as I see fit; don't spoon feed me the parts you think I can handle.

So, I will take a loving and supportive partner over a protector or someone who doesn't care, any day! :)

ETA: If there are spiders or centipedes involved, anyone is free to protect the hell out of me.

GroundedSpirit 05-19-2011 01:59 PM

Hi Freedom,

I'm not totally clear on your question.........

Are you referring to a lack of some cultural indoctrination that insists that lack of jealousy equates to lack of 'love' ? That is a common mis-perception that is pretty prevalent.

gs

MonoVCPHG 05-19-2011 02:40 PM

The day I stop caring about who Redpepper sleeps with is the day she knows my connection has either changed to a more platonic bond or has been lost...
That was a good sign that my 18 year marraige was over for me. But I am mono and work a lot differently then a poly person.

I can see why she would be concerned and agree with GS that a lot of that is probably driven by societal conditioning.

How do you feel about it? Do you care? What are your own values around sex?

Ariakas 05-20-2011 03:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Freedom (Post 82243)
As I am new to the idea of polyamory I wonder what women feel about their partners not caring if they sleep with other men?
I know my girlfriend is interested in other men however she said to me that she would be concerned about 'the protection feelings of a man towards his girlfriend if he didnt mind her sleeping with other men'.

Do other women feel like this?

In monogamy jealousy/protection is sometimes seen as a protective great emotion. It makes the person who is receiving the jealous/protective attention happy and needed.

In poly.. It works the opposite way. It can come across as selfish and possessive.

Obviously there is lots of in between when it comes to the emotion, but point out the extremes makes a point.

I wonder in your example if the same concern applies to women sleeping together?

Even in monogamy I never dated women of the first type. Requiring jealousy to feel good about the quality of the relationship is simply dramatic. I create enough of my own drama I don't need someone like that.

That said, I will always feel protective of the people I love. Regardless of the location of their pelvises. Bt I also trust them to make the decisions that suit them...

nycindie 05-20-2011 03:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Freedom (Post 82243)
As I am new to the idea of polyamory I wonder what women feel about their partners not caring if they sleep with other men?
I know my girlfriend is interested in other men however she said to me that she would be concerned about 'the protection feelings of a man towards his girlfriend if he didnt mind her sleeping with other men'.

Do other women feel like this?

Your question isn't worded very clearly, but I'll take a stab. Just because someone is in a polyamorous relationship does not mean he or she does not care whether their partner has sex with other people; even if they do not mind. Being okay and accepting of it doesn't necessarily negate the caring or protectiveness toward their partner.

But everyone will show that caring in different ways. It seems that many couples will usually establish some sort of guidelines to make sure their partners are safe, whether that is requiring frequent text messages during the date, complete knowledge of where they will be and with whom, or even accompanying them on first dates to meet the person.

So, what does your girlfriend mean when she says she "would be concerned about the protection feelings of a man towards his girlfriend if he didn't mind her sleeping with other men?" Is she afraid you will stop caring about her if she does have another partner? Or is she afraid you will be overprotective and start trouble? Remember, polyamory is not just about sex; it is about having multiple loving relationships. If she has such concerns, it would seem best of she tried to establish a good rapport and caring relationship before getting sexual with someone else.

NeonKaos 05-20-2011 02:15 PM

I have to agree with nycindie.

The very nature of poly means that you do care who your partner(s) sleep with. Otherwise it would be more of an "open" relationship, where both partners can do whatever they want whenever they feel like it and neither one has a say in what the other does.

Freedom 05-20-2011 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 82422)
Your question isn't worded very clearly, but I'll take a stab. Just because someone is in a polyamorous relationship does not mean he or she does not care whether their partner has sex with other people; even if they do not mind. Being okay and accepting of it doesn't necessarily negate the caring or protectiveness toward their partner.

But everyone will show that caring in different ways. It seems that many couples will usually establish some sort of guidelines to make sure their partners are safe, whether that is requiring frequent text messages during the date, complete knowledge of where they will be and with whom, or even accompanying them on first dates to meet the person.

So, what does your girlfriend mean when she says she "would be concerned about the protection feelings of a man towards his girlfriend if he didn't mind her sleeping with other men?" Is she afraid you will stop caring about her if she does have another partner? Or is she afraid you will be overprotective and start trouble? Remember, polyamory is not just about sex; it is about having multiple loving relationships. If she has such concerns, it would seem best of she tried to establish a good rapport and caring relationship before getting sexual with someone else.

Thanks for the advice. I think she is more afraid I will start trouble with her if she has another partner. This is not true, she is my best friend and I would never want her to by anything less than my primary partner. Although I understand completely her clear desire for other men and I think she should embrace that.
I am pretty sure she has an attraction to one of my best friends. When I see them together I think they make a nice couple. As weird as it may sound, I really dont mind, I trust them both not to do anything to hurt my feelings. However I think the problem is when we started our relationship I had lots of emotions that scared her a little, like jealousy. Now I have got rid of those issues I am just not sure she believes me yet. Im not really sure how to demonstrate this to her?

Freedom 05-20-2011 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 82283)
Hi Freedom,

I'm not totally clear on your question.........

Are you referring to a lack of some cultural indoctrination that insists that lack of jealousy equates to lack of 'love' ? That is a common mis-perception that is pretty prevalent.

gs

hey

Im more talking about her feeling that it is un natural for a man to be ok with his girlfriend having a sexual relationship with another man. however the way I look at this is that, that may be so to some degree, however we have condoms and pregnancy control now so we dont need to worry about pregnancy, STDs etc!

TruckerPete 05-20-2011 05:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Freedom (Post 82490)
hey

Im more talking about her feeling that it is un natural for a man to be ok with his girlfriend having a sexual relationship with another man. however the way I look at this is that, that may be so to some degree, however we have condoms and pregnancy control now so we dont need to worry about pregnancy, STDs etc!

You do still need to worry about those things with condoms and birth control. It's called "safer sex" now.

Just sayin'. ;)


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