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-   -   Rookie with a Problem (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9975)

JakeBeaudrie 05-18-2011 10:19 PM

Rookie with a Problem
 
Hi.
I kinda skipped the introduction thing. Oops!! Anyway, I'm a 38 yr old man who's been experimenting with poly for 2 months or so now. My girlfriend and I met a super cool couple and both of us (couples) were interested in starting a poly quad. We chatted online for a 7 weeks before we met. Went out to dinner and had a great time. I wasn't particularly physically attracted to the other woman but she was a wonderful conversationalist and a great person in general so I wasn't to bothered by it...at first. The first night we were all together it was alright. I had some performance issues but I chalked it up to nerves. The next night however, it became clear to me that the real problem is that i'm just not physically attracted to her like i need to be to have a satisfying sexual relationship. The REAL bummer is that my girlfriend feels 180 degrees different. She feels as though she's fallen in love with them and I take her at her word. She's now asked me if it's ok with me if she goes and plays with them without me. My rational mind knows they aren't gonna try and "steal" her from me and they are truly kind and caring folks. She's gonna love me just as much if she sleeps with them. But there's something holding me back and I'm not sure what. Is her request unreasonable? Am I being unreasonable by not being ok with her doing it? I know part of me is simply jealous of the fact that it worked out for her and not for me. But the other part is that we went into this together and now I feel like the laws have changed because she's in love...

Please advise!!

redpepper 05-19-2011 12:30 AM

Its not unreasoinable to be feeling as you do. You're disappointed. That's valid. I don't see why waiting a bit should be a problem until you get through that. That is valid to ask for I think. Its also valid that she go ahead with this couple and see how it goes. For you it means a big deep breath in, telling yourself its all good, this wasn't meant to be and now its back to the drawing board. Once you're disappointment settles then get back to dating amnd enjoying the time ytou have while she is "entertained." I would give yourself and her a time limit that can be moved though. A couple of weeks maybe? Then see how you feel.

Quath 05-19-2011 02:18 AM

Try to imagine if the situation were reversed. What if it had worked out great for you but she wasn't attracted to the guy. What would you want her to do?

It sounds like it may just be envy. I think you are right in not forcing yourself to be with them if you feel no desire. But there are always opportunities in the future. However, if you are not ready for it, then I think you should spend some time thinking about what is really bothering you and talk about it with your girlfriend.

bitterborn 05-19-2011 02:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JakeBeaudrie (Post 82177)
I'm a 38 yr old man who's been experimenting with poly for 2 months or so now.

Congratulations..... Your experiment seems to be a success!

If you can't be happy for her and for the two of you then perhaps honesty and accepting that a poly relationship is not for you would be in order. Definitely discuss your emotions with her. Listen closely when she discusses her's with you.

Trust me it is beautiful on both sides of the fence.

drtalon 05-19-2011 03:35 AM

When people first start dating and "going steady" as kids, we make tons of mistakes and have lots of confusing feelings. I think we attribute those missteps and feelings only to "being young" when, in fact, they are also about our inexperience. Deciding to be ethically non-monogamous or polyamorous is like having to learn to date all over again... only this time, we mistakenly believe as adults we shouldn't have to go through the same learning process (with mistakes!) again. We do. So, when I struggle with feelings I don't understand or thoughts I can't communicate, I remind myself that I'm still learning how to do this the way that's right for me and those I'm involved with.

nycindie 05-19-2011 04:56 AM

She's fallen in love after two fucks? I have a feeling it's just lust; there are lots of brain chemicals at play. Maybe asking for some time until she gets together with him again will let some of those feelings settle down. I also think the two of you should really figure out how you want poly to be expressed in your lives. Seeking out separate love interests or trying to make it work with other couples? Do you really want poly or do you want to just "play?"

The thing is, maybe you needed more time to get to know both people in that couple before getting jiggy with them. You might have found something that would attract you to the wife if you had developed some sort of friendship/relationship first, rather than having gotten physical right away.

JakeBeaudrie 05-19-2011 12:26 PM

I don't really feel like it's a "she fell in love after two fucks" kinda thing. We had daily communication with them for almost two months before we got together. I realize it's not the same as dating in person but none of us felt like it was a jumping into bed kinda thing. And it's not that I'm not happy for her. I guess maybe it's a simple case of envy- She got what we both wanted and i feel left out. The silly part is that if I had a secondary myself I don't know that I would feel this way. But I don't want our relationship to be a tit for tat situation...

GroundedSpirit 05-19-2011 01:41 PM

Hi Jake - and welcome.

The situation you describe is far more common than you might expect. I have been in it myself as has my mate. It's pretty delicate. The odds of 4 people matching up are pretty high. It's why various combinations of 3 are far more common.
The ticklish part seems more to be how to be absent from the picture without hurting the other person's feelings. At least that is how it is with us. I wish I had an easy solution for how to approach someone and explain that the sexual chemistry just isn't there for me even as much as I like them as a person, friend etc.
So if things are going along for them as a triad and nobody is pressuring you to get involved, you may want to just say a big "phewwwwww!". At least it gives you time to figure out how to cross the no attraction bridge. Because you can believe that you WILL have to cross this bridge before long.

This is a thing about couples potentially mixing with other couples - or moresomes. The larger the numbers, the more it's likely that someone will connect and someone won't. It's just human nature and one of the tricky parts of living poly.

Good luck.

GS

JakeBeaudrie 05-19-2011 02:13 PM

Grounded,
The problem is not that she doesn't want to be with them without me, it's that i'm having a hard time letting go and having her be with them w/out which just seems so childish on my part. Is is silly of me to think I'd be more comfortable with it if we both had a secondary? Right now I don't and am feeling left out.

Magdlyn 05-19-2011 03:36 PM

There are so many options here.

1) You can let your wife go and play with the couple without you
2) You can go along as a voyeur and masturbate while watching them play, saying encouraging things, and/or provide drinks and snacks as needed
3) You can play with the husband (if you and he are bi-curious the least little bit)
4) You can let the other couple touch your wife, and you also touch/screw your wife, but don't force yourself to touch either of the other couple intimately if you're not interested

I've had a couple group sex scenes with my gf and my male play partner. My gf is pre-op male to female transgender and my young play partner is straight so wasn't interested in "touching her junk." However, he was cool with touching her legs and back, and vice versa, on our first 3way. But the main focus was on both of them touching me, and me touching them. A "V".

2nd time we had play time together, both of my partners got so hot (and knew each other better) there was some limited sexual touching between them. Luckily my boyfriend is open-minded. It was sweet and I was proud of both of them for trying (and liking) something different and out of the box.

Food for thought, anyway.


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