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-   -   Fell in love? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=996)

NightDragon 10-21-2009 09:13 AM

Fell in love?
 
Hey. I'm finding myself with a huge problem and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

Dragonfly has fallen "IN" love with DragonBorn and I'm so not prepared for that. I'm hurt, jelous, and afraid! This relationship is still new. Only 2 months. When it was first talked about between the 3 of us, it was stated that this was just going to be some adult fun, and that maybe a relationship might come out of it and I'd be ok with that. Well it was never just adult fun, it started right off in a relationship. Which for the most part I was ok with, just thrown a little off guard, and a little paranoid. Then just this weekend I'm hit with, "I'm IN love with him." What do I do? I love my wife! I even really care for DB, more then I could ever care for any other man, but this hurts. I know you can't control your emotions, specially not in who you love or how you love, but I am not ready for this. I'm trying to deal with this the best I can, but it's tearing at me. I've told both of them that I'm having this issue and why and thankfully they understand. They've started holding back from each other specially infront of me and I can see it hurts them to do such which make me feel like even more of an asshole. I don't want to hold them back from saying what they want to say or do what it is they want to do. But again, what do I do when I'm not ready for my wife to be "in" love with another, specially when she already is?

Ceoli 10-21-2009 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NightDragon (Post 9430)
What do I do? I love my wife! I even really care for DB, more then I could ever care for any other man, but this hurts. I know you can't control your emotions, specially not in who you love or how you love, but I am not ready for this.


But again, what do I do when I'm not ready for my wife to be "in" love with another, specially when she already is?

It's true we can't control our emotions, but we can look at the feelings that come up and try to understand what they're telling us. Most of the time, those hurt feelings and jealousy are based in fear. And most of the time that fear is based on things that may not actually be in the reality. It sounds like your wife falling in love has put you into a place where you're starting to feel the "worst case scenario". So perhaps it might be good to talk about what you fear is the worst case scenario. Are you afraid that by being in love, she may choose him over you? Or that she may have less love for you? That you will now be compared to him? That you may have to take a different place in her heart than the one you know and are used to?

Figure out exactly what your fears are then TALK about those fears specifically with her. Often, even just talking about the specific fears greatly lessens their hold on our lives.

A lot of poly couples I know make it a point to have a radically honest "what's the worst that could happen?" conversation before beginning new relationships. They always find it useful because almost always it shows that their worst case scenarios aren't nearly as bad as they imagine them to be.

HappiestManAlive 10-21-2009 05:38 PM

How is your communication? I mean, REALLY? Violet and I thought we had it down - our policy of complete honesty and open communication was amazing and we revelled in the trust and love it made possible.

Until we figured out that we'd been holding things back. Things we didn't even KNOW we were holding back. Things we were holding back FROM OURSELVES, so how could we be honest with each other on those subjects?

And so we've spent a LOT of time learning all over again to be honest with ourselves first and each other after that. And we've learned that this is HARD. You try to be an honest person, but damn - you never realize how much you lie to yourself or rationalize thigs in your own head until you try to quit, LOL!

Be honest wth yourself - it will hurt. When you have it all straight - or think you do becuase I promise you'll find more later - talk with her and then them about it. And they should do the same.

Other than that, you should all get around to actually calling me back and replying to your PM's so we can all 6 go hang out sometime soon! ;)

NightDragon 10-21-2009 08:15 PM

Oh I know most, hell, all of these feelings are based on fear. And Ceoli, you hit the nail on the head with all of them!!! We have a very good communication with each other. Me and DF can sometimes be brutally honest. DB I think is still getting used to showing his deep emotions making himself vunarable. But anyways... I've told them this is what I'm afraid of. Explained why and they both say they understand. I've told them, for me, what several "worst case scenarios" would be. None of this has changed my fears or lessend them. If anything it has made them worse cause now I see the pain in their eyes of wanting to hold back with each other to save me from more pain. I'm tired of this pain and fear. I'm tired of my pain and fear hurting them! And I don't know what to do to fix it!


Happy: Sorry, took me awhile to get back on here and I did reply back, and sorry I haven't called, but me and DF have been sick. Hopefully by this weekend we'll be better and you'll hear from us.

redsirenn 10-21-2009 11:38 PM

fix it?
 
Nothing is broken that needs to be fixed!

There is an analogy on one of the "famous" poly site regarding jealousy and relating this to "fixing the refrigerator". It is a good analogy and helps one to understand the process of addressing one's feelings and emotions and working thru them. BUT I don't like thinking about one's emotions and jealousy as something that needs to be fixed... because they are not broken!

It helps me to think of it as moving forward. Moving on, embracing life, etc. It is a good thing people have these things called emotions, and you seem lucky enough to have powerful ones. Now - I struggle with this too. It is very hard. But atleast removing one aspect of negativity eases me a bit. To know that there is nothing wrong with you, and this is hard, and a million people would agree.

Try to embrace it - work through your emotions and attempt to understand them. There really is no formula... just look at yourself and be gentle with yourself, be patient with yourself, and love yourself. IF you have an end goal in mind and work at it with love, you will get there. And if you are granting yourself patience and love and know that this is about a journey and not ABOUT that end goal you will get there. Cuz, the thing is, after that end goal, there is another, and another, and another...

Good luck. I know (for a fact) this is easier said than done.

RS

River 10-22-2009 12:08 AM

NightDragon,

Now is the time to become an alchemist. Invite your partner to practice alchemy with you. Lead is fear and anger and bitterness and resentment.... Gold is love, joy, peace, happiness, freedom.... Got it?

How do you make gold out of lead? You shine as much love and awareness (love-awareness) in the darkness where lead lives as possible -- preferably together, as partners. But you can do a lot of alchemy on your own, too.

A certain amount of faith is needed to get the process started. You have to trust that spelunking into darkness and pain and fear and shining some love-awareness is something you can survive, something you can benefit from, something you can offer as a gift to all of life.... Etc.... You have to keep at it until you break through the stuck places, even if your faith is weak. A little faith allows the experiment to occur. Then you have good scientific evidence ... when you break through. And you also have a hell of an adventure!

ladyjools 10-22-2009 12:49 AM

im wondering if you are afraid because you think if she loves her other partner that will take away some of the love she has for you,
i know that i had this way of thinking about love for a long time and it made falling for someone else, or C falling for someone else a scary idea,
in the end i realised that love isn't like money you don't run out, you dont have to share it out its limitless, you can love and love and love and never run out, and actually the more i love R and M the more i learn and grow as a person and i am capable of loving C in ways i never thought possible

hope that this makes sense
it does in my head lol

Jools

Dragonfly 10-22-2009 05:33 AM

Thank you Lady, I tried to say the same thing and it didn't work out so good. You said it perfect and at least to me, what you said, makes perfect sence. :)

redpepper 10-22-2009 07:23 AM

You are not alone my friend... this forum is filled with such stories of relationships starting out this way... hell all poly relationships seem to start out with a great deal of emotion in the form of fear and jealousy.

Everyone has had some really good things to say, I especially want to remind you that your wife loving another can bring worlds of good things for you in your relationship with her. Her happiness can spill over into other areas.

The only thing that hasn't been said that I think is important is to give it time. It is early days yet and a very new feeling and experience for all of you... there is much work to be done in the way of communicating needs, boundaries, expectations, emotions.... when the dust settles, if it is meant to be, I hope you will find the compersion you seek and embrace the new connection and closeness you will have with your wife.


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