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ARod 10-21-2009 09:08 AM

Taking a chance
Having been divorced, I've become a bit jaded of what society says is ideal, and found that the thought of a triad might better suit me to have all my needs met, as well as my partners. My story is that a half year relationship ended with "A", cause I could not feel committed with her, cause she was part of what I wanted, but not the full package, and she's very needy. My new gf "O" seems to fill the gap, but missing things that my last gf had. Both have had expressed sexual curiosity with other women, but never did anything about it. "A" has openly discussed a 3 way, while "O" finds any non traditional lifestyle fascinating, and wonders if she might be a lesbian deep down. "A" is seeing another guy, but is unhappy and wants to get back with me, but knows that it may not workout in the long-run with just the 2 of us. She also knows I'm seeing "O", and is a bit jealous. I asked "A" if she was interested in joining me and "O", and originally she said no and was insulted, but mostly cause I hardly knew this new girl, and I wanted to start a new type of relationship. A few weeks later, and now "A" wants to know what "O" would say about the whole polyamory idea. "O" being exceptionally curious, would probably want to try it, and I plan to ask her soon. "O" doesn't know I've spoken to "A", but strangely asked many questions about her when we first started going out, in a curious way, rather than a jealous one.

Together I could see it working out really well, if I could get it to work, and don't want to make stupid mistakes early on, so any advice would be wonderful. During the last few years of my failed marriage, my ex wife's best friend lived with us, and although nothing was going on, things ran like clockwork, and all were happy. In fact, one of the things that helped end it, was when her friend was ready to move out, and live with her own bf. So I've lived with 2 women before, and found the situation very stable, with lots of sharing of things like chores. I want to feel that sort of social stability again, which is where the idea is probably rooted.

So all of us would be new to this. Neither have been with a women, but are curious about it. I've never been with 2 women either, so I don't know what is expected as the only guy. How do I introduce the two of them to begin with? What's the best way to manage time with them, at first? How do you get past any initial jealousy? Simple questions like this, run in my head, and I want to do this right from the beginning. Any advice would be great. Thanks ahead of time. :)

LovingRadiance 10-21-2009 06:13 PM

First I would suggest going out for coffee or dinner. All three of you. Give a basic intro-nothing about sex/relationships/expectations.
Just sit down and talk about mutual interests they may have (you should have an idea there since you've dated both) and see if it's possible to have a nice dinner together just hanging out and talking.
Hopefully if it goes smoothly one of them can take the ball and make plans for the three of you or the two of them to go do something that allows for getting to know one another better.

IF that all goes well then the conversation should naturally turn more serious as the friendship blossoms and that would be a good time to talk about interests and concerns of all three of you in making it work, like how to deal with jealousy. Lot of links on here about dealing with jealousy-do a search, read read read, then talk talk talk about it.
Makes a huge difference.

ARod 10-23-2009 01:26 AM

Thanks for the advice LovingRadiance. :) While so simple, it wouldn't have dawned on me to not bring up relationship issues too early, but it makes perfect sense.
Anyway, me and "A" had a heated discussion about things the other day. Mostly about how she would have jealousy issues, and how she's still concerned that I haven't known "O" long enough. But I'm still optimistic, since she is still entertaining the idea of trying a poly relation, although skeptical. I guess if things will work, I'll have to take things slowly with her, which is fine by me cause I'm thinking long-term anyway. I still plan to bring up the idea with "O" soon, just to gauge her reaction. But "O" always seems to surprise me with her view on women, such as how some girl looks sexy, or how she wonders what sex with another woman would be like. So "O" seems like the safe bet so far, but the catch is that "A" would make the balance work right, and is not really replaceable. I'm fairly certain they would get along too, if given a proper chance. For now, more things to learn about.

LovingRadiance 10-23-2009 02:04 AM

No problem. I read a LOT and have learned a great deal of things about poly situations reading these boards. I credit the prevalent posters for my great suggestions. ;)
Keep us posted on how it goes!

ARod 12-03-2009 02:02 AM

Looks like I hit a dead end. O, who I thought would be the 1 person who would understand, didn't seem to. Now I have to decide if I want to stay with her, or peruse what I feel is a better type of relationship, where co-dependency is not so much an issue and features many other benefits. I didn't expect it to go like this with both O and A, since both are bi-curious and both have mentioned a 3-way more than once, but both also consider the idea of a 3rd person as a threat. To me a 3-way is rather cheap, and only for a quick sex thrill, and a 3 person relationship rather beneficial and deeper, although obviously very complicated to start. :(

A word of advice that I was told once: 2 people can see the same event/idea, 100% totally different, so is best to never assume what someone's interpretation might be.

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