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-   -   Not very happy right now (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=994)

Winterfire 10-21-2009 06:32 AM

Not very happy right now
My husband has for years been interested in doing a poly triad type situation. I was willing, but I was a little more lukewarm about it. A triad was really the only situation I was willing to go for. I didn't want us dating different people. After a few dating situations where I wasn't really into the other woman, we finally met someone we both really liked.

I thought it was all going well. At least, it was all going well for me and her. She's finally said that she's not feeling chemistry with my husband. She and I have done some major bonding lately and I'm having some feelings developing. There's no question in my mind that I want to continue seeing her. My husband says he would never interfere in that, and they do like each other in a platonic sense and can still hang out. She'd had a horrible end to her last relationship, and I promised that whatever happened with dating that we still would want to be friends and weren't going away.

I'm just a bit upset. I specifically didn't want to do the dating separate people thing, and it looks like that's what will end up happening. He's at some point going to try to meet someone else. My condition is that I want it to be someone I can be friends with. I guess no one knows in advance what feelings might arise and how they'll be dealt with.

Tech 10-21-2009 01:54 PM

Hi Winterfire, I found your post interesting.
My situation is different, but found some similaries.

My wife has a (man) friend, and we are trying to find a way to incorporate him into our lives long-term. But with the inclusion of him, I find myself wanting some side-company of my own. Not that I don't like his company, but he is a he, and we are both straight.

My wife finds it frustrating that I desire this, even though she listens to me and hears me out.

We also don't want to simply date different people, but finding the right person/couple to satisfy the needs of both of you obviously sometimes just doesn't happen.

It sounds like you two are at least airing your feelings/frustrations/emotions, which is critical to the health of your relationship.

Hang in there, and hopefully with continued communication you both can find fulfilling, satisfying relationships, whether with only each other, one additional person, or whatever combination you end up with. :)

Take care!

LovingRadiance 10-21-2009 06:36 PM

As many have said before-it's really hard to be true to one's heart and try to make rules for it as well.
Sounds like you both are finding out that sometimes what we think we want and what will work aren't the same.

Try opening your mind and studying what it is about dating different people that bothers you. Maybe if you deal with THAT issue it won't be such a huge issue.

Winterfire 10-21-2009 10:59 PM

We've all been talking about it already. I guess I didn't want us dating different people because I didn't want us spending tons of time away from each other and having separate lives. I'm sure it doesn't have to be that way. If we can all be friends, then we should all be able to spend time together.

LovingRadiance 10-22-2009 03:14 AM

I think being friends would be optimal for sure. I don't think I could handle dating someone or my dh dating someone if we couldn't be friends together.

maca 10-22-2009 05:14 AM

*** Side Note *** My love (LR) I wouldnt dream of being with anyone that didnt fully understand that the two of you will have to be friends.As much as I have fought it in the past its so much easier being friends with C now.

As for not wanting the seperation of time (due to dating) I can understand that. Im assuming that your husband is up front, about your lifestyle, with his potential lovers? If thats true then there are ways to share time and love.

redpepper 10-22-2009 07:50 AM

If you have done any reading on this forum you will note that it rarely happens that a "V" situation means spending huge amounts of less time with each other. It means spending some less time sure, but the gains far outweigh the whole time issue. Really my husband cherishes the time I am not here as I am with Mono because he can get things done that I am not interested in or that he has now become interested in because he didn't have time when I was around all the time.

Let the ropes go a little and see what happens. Go with the flow and the rest will follow... it will all become evident where everyone will "sit" in your relationship with time, communication and patience with each other and yourself. One thing is for sure, there will be change if someone is added to your relationship, there is no stopping that.

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