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-   -   My wife's boyfriend? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=992)

princeofcats 10-21-2009 04:23 AM

My wife's boyfriend?
 
I'v recently found out my wife has an online boyfriend. l'm ok with it all but how do I tell her I'm ok with her relationship without telling her how I found out? She was in a poly relationship when she was younger.
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LovingRadiance 10-21-2009 04:30 AM

Well-at the point where you say "without" you presume it's ok to lie by omission in a relationship. From experience I would say that does not bode well for the relationship....

For your basic question-try "honey I found out about joe blow and I felt it important to let you know that I love you enough I would prefer we could both be radically honest with one another so I could tell you that this is not an issue for me, over you feeling you must keep secrets from me."

Quath 10-21-2009 05:22 AM

I think the pure honest approach is the best. Admit how you found out and say that you are ok with her having a bf.

A second option would just to bring up the subject of polyamory and ask her what she thinks about it. See if that leads anywhere.

A third (and most evasive) option would be to ask the hypothetical question, "What would she do if she found out you had an online gf?"

Good luck.

princeofcats 10-21-2009 05:37 AM

Well, she already believes I am having an affair with a coworker. She sees it as an emotional affair. She told me that he doesn’t think I really love her but I do have a connection with this person. But if I hand the same relationship with a man it would be ok, on most parts.

Tech 10-21-2009 02:08 PM

Sounds like you two need a heart-to-heart discussion on your relationship, satisfaction, and desires for more.

It sounds like she is justifying her online-relationship to herself by convincing herself that you're outside the martial bounds as well.

Frankly, you both appear to desire a somewhat more open marriage. If you're cool with it, maybe she is too. But you need a VERY strong foundation to build from! And that starts with you two being COMPLETELY honest with one another. Because it only gets more complicated, LOL.

Good luck! And just be yourself and be honest. She loves you and married you for a reason.
Tech.

princeofcats 10-21-2009 09:57 PM

I've spoke to my wife about my coworker. I told her I felt she was being posessive, as opposed to being jealous. Jealousy is wanting something someone else has. Posession is not wanting anyone to have what you have. She fears someone will steal me away. Any thoughts about this topic?

LovingRadiance 10-21-2009 10:07 PM

Sure-why does she fear that. there is something inside that makes her feel like she isn't worthy in some way or another, for some reason or another- or she wouldn't be afraid someone could take you away.
That's question one and without that-there's no resolving the issue.

princeofcats 10-22-2009 11:51 PM

I've sent her an email telling her its OK to have aboyfriend. Wish me luck.

Thank everyone.

BexyandBen 10-23-2009 01:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by princeofcats (Post 9471)
I've spoke to my wife about my coworker. I told her I felt she was being posessive, as opposed to being jealous. Jealousy is wanting something someone else has. Posession is not wanting anyone to have what you have. She fears someone will steal me away. Any thoughts about this topic?

Just to toss in another perspective, our views are very different:

Jealousy is "wanting something that is rightfully yours, but has been taken by another, or has been given to another."

Envy--or coveting--is "wanting something that is not rightfully yours, but you want nonetheless."

Possessiveness is "selfish desire not to share what you have--whether rightfully yours or not--with anyone else."

princeofcats 10-23-2009 02:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BexyandBen (Post 9636)
Just to toss in another perspective, our views are very different:

Jealousy is "wanting something that is rightfully yours, but has been taken by another, or has been given to another."

Envy--or coveting--is "wanting something that is not rightfully yours, but you want nonetheless."

Possessiveness is "selfish desire not to share what you have--whether rightfully yours or not--with anyone else."

Just a quick dictionary.com check and I found:

Jealous
4. Inclined to or troubled by suspicions or fears of rivalry

Jealousy
1. Jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.

Envy
1. A feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.

Possessiveness
1. Jealously opposed to the personal independence of, or to any influence other than one's own upon spouse.

I think my wife doesn't want me to be influenced away from her by another woman. This would fall into the possessive category.

I heard it explained this way by Kidder Kapper. It enlightened me on the concept.

Prince of Cats


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