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-   -   Gay, Bi-, Queer Polyamory (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=99)

River 03-12-2009 07:01 PM

Gay, Bi-, Queer Polyamory
Our Moderator, Oliver, is very likely to be reading here, so...

Hello, Oliver! I would like to make a request that we have a sub-forum or topic here on "Gay, Bi-, Queer Polyamory", so those of us who fit that description can talk amongst ourselves. Our experiences are often VERY different than those of the more socially approved heterosexual one -- and doubly so when we add polyamory to the list of differences from the mainstream. (I live in the USA, so what constitutes 'mainstream' may differ where you live.)

Thanks for considering my request, and good luck on your polyamory web project!

AutumnalTone 03-16-2009 05:51 PM

Hmmm...interesting proposal.

I'm not certain there's a clear line between hetero and queer poly, though. My wife is bi. Should she get seriously involved with another woman, then my life will necessarily include that.

Still, if you think there's enough to talk about that would be lost on those of us who are hetero, I'm all for it. I'm not certain how often Olivier checks in, though.

River 03-16-2009 06:06 PM

A Queer Question
Well, yes... a lot of poly folk are perfectly comfortable and familiar with gay/bi/queer folk and our "discourses", so I wouldn't want to separate ourselves off from this forum. I just think a nice little queer niche *within* this web-community could prove beneficial, if only because not all poly folk (by any means) are homoerotically inclined.

I have heard it said that many poly folk, in fact, feel rather uncomfortable with gay/bi/queer folk. I don't know to what extent this is true, but discussion of even this very same question immediately surfaces a potentially helpful line of discussion on gay/bi/queer themes.

For what it is worth, I am bisexual (if I must use a label), though most of my "romantic" or erotically involved relationships have been with men.

AutumnalTone 03-16-2009 06:18 PM

NOw that you mention it, I suspect there are some folk who identify as poly who are uncomfortable with queer folk. I say that thinking about the Alt Lifestyles forum on OKC, where many of the people who report being poly are actually swingers--and I remember some of them expressing distaste for queer folk.

So I suspect many of those being reported as poly and uncomfortable are actually swingers and uncomfortable. It appears from here that some swingers are trying to ride their wagons in the poly wagon train to gain some measure of respectability (odd notion, that). Or they simply equate all nonmonogamy and are incapable of understanding the distinctions.

River 03-16-2009 06:20 PM

Oh... I really should have been clear about one point. In no way did I or do I believe non-homoerotically inclined (so-called "straight" or "heterosexual") people should be excluded from discussion of queer/homoeros topics and themes! I'm not wanting to create that sort of segregation at all! I'm sure lots of valuable comments and suggestions, etc., concerning these themes will be provided by "straight" men and women here!

River 03-16-2009 06:26 PM

"... the distinctions ... " Yes! Those are crucial distinctions, indeed. As I understand it, polyamory is centered on the -amory part: love. And if I understand right, swingers are more interested in sexual adventuring which isn't centered on a "heart connection", as I like to call them.

As much as I enjoy sex, I don't imagine I will ever again have "casual" sex -- if ever I did. There has always been some "heart" (love) involved, if not always the intention of a long term, "serious", and commited relationship. I don't think love has to last forever, or be nurtured regularly over a lifetime, to be real love. But I do prefer the many powerful advantages of commitment to loving over time!

AutumnalTone 03-16-2009 07:29 PM

There are many sorts of nonmonogamy and they differ in qualitative fashion. I'm not certain that many people understand that, as the whole topic isn't widely discussed.

For example, I understand the differences between open marriages, poly, and swinging. I can't swear that any given person who identifies with any of those would also understand (or agree) that there's a difference. My former girlfriend, when explaining our relationship to those folks who also knew I'm married, would say my wife and I have an open marriage--which is the only concept those getting the explanation had ever been exposed to.

This, however, is far astray from the topic of getting a board set aside for queer topics.

River 03-17-2009 06:08 PM


Originally Posted by SeventhCrow (Post 278)
This, however, is far astray from the topic of getting a board set aside for queer topics.

Yes, but it is also an interesting subject of discussion!

Anyhow, back to the queer "board" notion. How are such matters decided and implemented? ... and how many moderators are here?

... and now that we're discussing administrative matters for this forum, where is a proper place of asking questions like "How can we promote this forum" so it gets more use? --It appears to me to be a great, but underutilized resource!

yoxi 04-12-2009 12:14 AM

This subject interests me a lot right now.

Since I'm only newly allowing myself to think about all this consciously, it really only occurred to me after reading some of the posts above that 'of course you can have heterosexual polyamory' (took me a minute to click, V's and so on rather than polygons/polyhedra).

I'm bi, and I now know that what I want is to be part of a triple ( la Babel-17) with a bi man and a bi woman. I'm not sure I could do it with others who didn't know what being bi was like (but who knoweth?) Looking on dating sites in the last few days, I was surprised by how many 'straight women who like bi men' are out there, and less surprised at how few 'gay men who like bi men'.

I think I'm just going to have to face the fact that Sesame Street has been brought to me today by the word Surprised, and the number more-than-one.

Meanwhile back on-topic, I think that whatever forums people post in, other people will peek if the titles are interesting enough :), but it could be good to mix it up so we all get to read more about more versions of the poly. (Bloody hell - I've just got the parrot thing. Slow today - too much change.)

River 04-12-2009 12:31 AM


Originally Posted by yoxi (Post 440)
I'm bi, and I now know that what I want is to be part of a triple ( la Babel-17) with a bi man and a bi woman.

Well, let's see now.... If you are in a committed loving relationship with a bi man and a bi woman, given that you are a man yourself, the woman in this triangular geometry will have a very different experience as one of three bi's than the two guys in this arrangement.

>blowing dust off of geometry book -- swwwiioooowww<

The two bi guys in this triad each have the best of all possible worlds: two loves, one male and one female. The bi woman in this triad has.... two male lovers. Now, who could complain about the robust good luck of having TWO lovers?! No one! What great fortune! But the she in this triad may like also to have a woman lover--given that she, too, is bi-. That would convert the geometry of the triad -- a nice solid shape, indeed -- into the rather clunky shape of a square. Are you sure you're ready to be a square?!:p

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