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-   -   Affection in my eyes (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=989)

maca 10-21-2009 03:03 AM

Affection in my eyes
 
Well I have a question and I KNOW there are those out there <NUGDE NUDGE> that may have some input.

Im in a V ... LR is the hinge. Her other C lives with us. Im having issues with SEEING affectionate exchanges between them. I have talked to LR about the fact that I dont want to SEE them kissing or that I dont want to walk in on them in bed together. I have also let her know that I DONT have issue with her saying "I love you" to him or hugs.

I know that they have sex and are affectionate with each other when Im not around.I also know that my ISSUE stems from MY OWN issues with not feling loved or worth being loved so much or that I may be left for someone better. Im working through these feelings.But as of right now I have to be honest with what I can handle and what Im not ready to handle yet.

I feel as though Im not being fair to LR or C by asking them to refrain from doing these things in front of me. As I stated before we are a V not a triad (nor will us 3 ever be.. striaght as a board).

Sooo.. . Just out of curiousity how do the rest of you address this.

HappiestManAlive 10-21-2009 03:12 AM

You're okay with him living there... You are okay with them talking and exchanging verbal affection... You don't put undo restrictions on their activities aside from a simple request that they not be physically affectionate when you're present - I assume (bad bad word) that you aren't a craazy manipulative prick who intentionally hangs around when you know they would normally expect you to not be for the express purposse of limiting their interaction... And you are AWARE of this one minor hangup and are working on it...

I'm sorry, was there a problem? :p

LovingRadiance 10-21-2009 03:14 AM

lmao hma.
You're answer leaves me trying REALLY hard not to giggle from where I sit on the couch with a laptop and with baby in my lap while Maca madly pecks his keyboard at his computer desk!!!

I'm defering comment to him since it's his thread. ;)

maca 10-21-2009 03:32 AM

HAHA no I dont hang around all day( I wish) I have 10 hrs a day that im gone for work and I leave at 6 am and C dosent have to go to work till 1 pm. so they have some solo time( as solo as it gets with 4 kids):)

I was just wondering how other have handled this if and when it has come up..

And I should say to my love you are great and doing a good job helping me along with MY issues and dont shoving anything down my throat. I love you more....

HappiestManAlive 10-21-2009 03:37 AM

Quote:

And I should say to my love you are great and doing a good job helping me along with MY issues and dont shoving anything down my throat. I love you more....
THAT - that right there - is what poly has come to mean to me. :)

greenearthal 10-21-2009 03:47 AM

I would have to concur with the general sentiment that there seems to be no problem here. It sounds like everyone is doing their best, and that everyone accepts that everyone else is doing their best. So why put pressure on yourself to "progress" faster, when there appear to be basically no complaints?

Or put another way: why not take some time and appreciate what you've accomplished and what you've overcome to get exactly here rather than fret about not having gotten even further?

maca 10-21-2009 03:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by greenearthal (Post 9401)
I would have to concur with the general sentiment that there seems to be no problem here. It sounds like everyone is doing their best, and that everyone accepts that everyone else is doing their best. So why put pressure on yourself to "progress" faster, when there appear to be basically no complaints?

I did not quote the complaints (or frustrations) that LR is having cause I didnt think that was pertinent to the post. We are doing good working it through:)

[/QUOTE] Or put another way: why not take some time and appreciate what you've accomplished and what you've overcome to get exactly here rather than fret about not having gotten even further?[/QUOTE]

( Smack with 2x4 to the head) You are absolutly right green. Why worry about the weather this weekend when its beautiful outside right now... I think Ill go kiss LR now and tell her how much I love her.. Thanks green:)

redpepper 10-21-2009 04:11 AM

I don't get the bed arrangement you have???

I agree, it sounds totally fine to ask for some refrain from them when you are around if you are feeling uncomfortable. I kiss Mono goodbye when my husband has said his goodbyes and has left the room... kind of a last word and connection before he leaves. If we need to be connected we usually take it elsewhere so no one else witnesses. It just feels better. I don't kiss my husband in front of Mono either unless it's a quick peck.

It really isn't much of an issue any more. It used to be, but as we have threesomes sometimes now, the issue dropped quickly.

LovingRadiance 10-21-2009 04:17 AM

AHHHHH EEEKKKKKKKSSSSSS.
No bed arrangement.
Maca and I have a room and a bed.
C has his own room and happily his own bed.......


Sorry I didn't get past that line. Oopss... not supposed to be replying... .

midnightsun 10-21-2009 04:35 AM

My thoughts...
 
Well, I haven't had a chance to introduce myself yet... but regardless I thought I'd jump right in and open my big fat mouth! :p

My husband and I are in a long term, committed marriage. However it developed (consentually and with much discussion) into an open marriage and we've discussed the possibility of having a poly marriage involving another, most likely a woman.

As far as seeing each other being affectionate with others, that is something that (in my younger days) I would've considered unthinkable and would've made me insanely jealous. So, I've spent a lot of time thinking about why I no longer think/feel that way.

#1. Trust: There is a level of trust between the two of us that I've never had with anyone else. He's had many opportunities and reasons to leave in the nearly 8 years we've been married. If he wanted to be with someone else, he would've long before now.

#2. Love: I love him truly and honestly and I LOVE seeing him happy, love seeing him turned on. It eventually occurred to me that anything that turns him on, turns ME on... but I don't have to BE the one turning him on. I just enjoy the thought that he's enjoying himself. I don't even have to be there for it to make me happy.

#3. Respect: I respect his desires as an individual. I respect the feelings of the person he's with, when he's with another. I do not take for granted that I don't have to earn his love & trust, that they should come automatically just because we're married.

I see trust in the words you've written in your past posts, that she is being honest with you about how she feels about you and her other C. You've been married a long time, she hasn't left you for anyone "better" and doesn't appear to be seeking someone "better." You trust her enough to allow and even foster her relationship with C. So, the issue is maybe that you don't trust yourself? That you don't think you're good enough for her?

I see clearly that you love her. The key for me in learning to be ok with seeing PDA between my Love and another is focusing on his happiness, his pleasure, his desire... learning to take my happiness from his, my pleasure from his, my desire from his... you get the idea.

You respect the relationship between the two of you, between LR & C, respect your family structure as well.

The foundation is there... just build it 1 brick at a time. Be willing to take small steps, and to have a signal that will let her & C know if you aren't ok with something so that they can respect your feelings as you work on respecting theirs.

Good luck! Sorry for being so long winded... I type fast!! :D


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