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ryanwer 05-17-2011 06:33 AM

need some advice and help please
 
well hello all and thank you for taking the time to read this im new here and my first time posting, so heres where i need some help and advice


my fiancee and i have been together now for just over 3 years sure weve had some issues but all relationships do, now i'd like to start off by saying that i my self am not actually poly though in a way a would be if you get what i mean, anyways our relationship has all in all been amazing i would never regret or trade a day ive spent with her but a few months ago she opened up to me about being poly at first i didnt know what to think i reacted by saying "forget it screw you were done" that was just stupid so talked alot about it i told her i would try for her for us i dont want to lose her i love her very very much and she knows that. now ive seen some other ppl on this forum talking about NRE i understand what it is and theres alot of it going between her and her new guy which is hard for me to handle possibly because she spends most of her time on the road with him, hes a long haul trucker, i maybe see her twice a week now if im lucky. now i or i guess its we when talking about poly, so when we agreed that we would give this is try casue its me thats having issues with this i mean we spent almost 3 years with just us we were set to be married ready to live our life then she opens up with this, when the two of us spend time together it is great for the most part, but theres a couple problems that i just dont understand and i need to know if these happen on average. so first off our sex life has all but died she has sex with him no issues but her and i once in the past 2 months when it used to be all the time, it is getting better though but slowly so is that normall does NRE usually kill the sex life of the primary (me)? and the other thing i would like some advice on is how to properlly support her i mean ive gone this far as to agree to it willingly casue i want her to be herself and be happy but is there more i could do? is there somethings that i shouldn;t do or talk about? thats my biggest worry that im just not being as supportive as i could be ya know?

thanks in advance to anyone who reads

BlackUnicorn 05-17-2011 11:51 AM

Punctuation, please! Your post will gather a much larger potential for answers if you take two extra minutes to edit it properly.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ryanwer (Post 81868)
My fiancee and i have been together now for just over 3 years. Sure weve had some issues but all relationships do. Now i'd like to start off by saying that i my self am not actually pol,y though in a way a would be if you get what i mean. Anyways our relationship has all in all been amazing. I would never regret or trade a day ive spent with her, but a few months ago she opened up to me about being poly.

At first i didnt know what to think. I reacted by saying "forget it screw you were done". That was just stupid so talked alot about it. I told her i would try for her, for us. I dont want to lose her. I love her very very much and she knows that. Now ive seen some other ppl on this forum talking about NRE. I understand what it is and theres alot of it going between her and her new guy, which is hard for me to handle, possibly because she spends most of her time on the road with him. He's a long haul trucker, i maybe see her twice a week now if im lucky.

Now i (or i guess its we when talking about poly), so when we agreed that we would give this is try casue its me thats having issues with this. I mean we spent almost 3 years with just us. We were set to be married, ready to live our life, then she opens up with this. When the two of us spend time together it is great for the most part, but theres a couple problems that i just dont understand and i need to know if these happen on average.

So first off our sex life has all but died. She has sex with him - no issues, but her and i? Once in the past 2 months ,when it used to be all the time. It is getting better though, but slowly. So is that normal? Does NRE usually kill the sex life of the primary (me)?

And the other thing i would like some advice on is how to properlly support her. I mean ive gone this far as to agree to it willingly, casue i want her to be herself and be happy. But is there more i could do? Is there somethings that i shouldn;t do or talk about? Thats my biggest worry, that im just not being as supportive as i could be, ya know?


BlackUnicorn 05-17-2011 12:06 PM

Now I've seen some other ppl on this forum talking about NRE. I understand what it is, and there's a lot of it going between her and her new guy, which is hard for me to handle, possibly because she spends most of her time on the road with him. He's a long haul trucker, I maybe see her twice a week now if I'm lucky.

Now what is this BS about? Why did you agree on her driving with him? Did you guys live together? Isn't she employed or studying? Who is paying for her expences?

So first off; our sex life has all but died. She has sex with him - no issues, but her and I? Once in the past 2 months, when it used to be all the time. It is getting better though, but slowly. So is that normal? Does NRE usually kill the sex life of the primary (me)?

For some it does. For others, the NRE seems to spill over to the primary relationship, juicing up the sex life of the primary couple. I can't tell which is more common, but I suspect that your girl isn't really putting effort in to keeping her head above NRE water but is throwing herself headlong into it, primaries be damned.

And the other thing I would like some advice on is how to properly support her. I mean I've gone this far as to agree to it willingly, cause I want her to be herself and be happy. But is there more I could do? Is there something that I shouldn't do or talk about? Thats my biggest worry, that I'm just not being as supportive as I could be, ya know?

The best way to support this relationship is to start supporting yourself. Tell her to calm down and take a break from trucking with him; he can come visit her, or she can go to his place once a week, for sure?

Start dating her again. Ask for some you and her time. Do a tag search on 'foundations', 'boundaries', and 'lessons', to begin with. Ask her to read this forum and/or self-educate on poly from other resources.

GroundedSpirit 05-17-2011 01:30 PM

Hey Ryan,

Yea, NRE changes the flow - for a time. Best thing to do is just sit tight and ride it out. Never lasts forever - or even very long in many cases.

How would you react if you were a friend/bystander ? Probably grin and tease a bit eh. Might be good to try to adopt the same plan here :)

Secondly, make sure you keep focus on being the best "you" possible - focusing on the things that attracted her to you in the first place. Worst thing you can do is to develop an 'attitude' - negative. That will only drive a wedge further between you.
As for the sex, that varies. She will probably be more sex inclined with you as her closeness with you grows. People's sex drives vary and she may be more satisfied at the moment - or more drained - with all the NRE energy being spent. Just be careful you don't push sexuality towards the obligatory side. Don't try to make her feel guilty for 'neglecting' you etc. It's not HER responsibility to keep you satisfied - it's yours. Hard as that may be. Playing the victim will only make it worse.

Hard as it may be if you ride this out awhile you will see things level off. Once they do you'll be in a position to decide better whether the relationship will offer what you want. You can choose a course at that time. In the meantime, keep your options - and eyes, open.

Good luck.

GS

redpepper 05-17-2011 06:26 PM

Well, everyone so far as summed up what I would say really. :) I love that! Just wanted to add though to do a tag search for "nre" while you're at it and to really stress the importance of getting about your own stuff while she goes through this. That is the best support you can give her.


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