Hi there, new member and new to polyamory... sort of.
Hi there, my name is Devon. I am only freshly 21 but I consider my experience to be a bit different than a lot of others my age. I am living in Oregon and have been for a few years now. I love the pacific NW and the great outdoors, and I am so lucky to live here with so many wonderful people. I am currently a student after two plus years of procrastinating. My major is Biology. My interests are art (painting, poetry, anything and everything), dancing (I go to raves and I love dancing in general) and right now mostly self-exploration. I do have a lot of passions, but right I feel very introvertedly focused. Or maybe just internally focused? I do also focus a lot of time on my close relationships and have finally been beginning to gain confidence and make friends in "the real world". Whoo! Go me!
My relationship is complicated... to me at least. It seems from the outside speculator to pretty normal, more or less. He plays the role of the stereotypical hetero-male, and I of the hetero-female. We have been engaged to be married for what seems like ages: almost 3 years. We fell madly in love instantly when we met. Like, all head over heels and I moved in with him not 3 months after we got together. Until I started going to school and staying with my mom part time, we had pretty much spent the majority of our last 2 1/2 years together every day. I knew when I met him that I wanted to be with him forever- but I certainly acted on that idea with too much of a naive and enthusiastic mindset to think for a moment to explore what I wanted out of it long term. He was 27 and I was 18 when we got together. I was eager and so was he. Didn't make for a very good foundation, anyway.
What's not normal about our relationship? Before we got together we were at very different places: He was on his way to receiving gender reassignment surgery. He hadn't yet been approved for it but was very set on it. He identifies as female, however I call him a "he" because he still more or less presents as male and he has decided since we met that he would forgo SRS for a number of reason. One of them is because he "wants to provide me with what I need". I'm not sure how to take that one, but I have always been entirely supportive either way. Although, I admit, it would be difficult for me to maintain attraction to him as a female, I have only offered honesty and love.
As for me, I identify as pansexual- or I often joke that I am 2/3 lesbian. I am mostly attracted to women. I honestly thought before we got together that I would finally try to have a real relationship with a woman. Prior to my current relationship I had always been a bit of a serial monogamist, with bouts of random promiscuity and "friends with benefits" type relationships. I never really knew what I wanted at all. Now that I've been in a purely monogamous relationship for nearly 3 years, I am feeling a lot of cold feet and more importantly, a massive drive for polyamory. It took me a minute to conclude this, but in all of my soul-searching, this is what I have come to. I don't want to end my current relationship in order to pursue others in the same light. I've felt this way for a while but I've been unable to identify it until now.
My issue is, I don't think that my partner will understand. We have been doing really well lately (we both have somewhat manic personalities that multiply when together) but I have caught myself withdrawing a bit at the thought of *the conversation* about polyamory. Every time I have brought it up before even in casual conversation he has been adamantly against it. I don't really know what to do or how to bring it up and the thought stresses me to bits. I'm sure we have dealt with things just as complicated (ie: transgenderism) but for some reason this just seems like it will be so difficult and I am afraid it will be too stressful and maybe even destructive to our relationship. Of course, it is affecting me more and more each day and I am certain that I will reach a breaking point. I don't want to resent him and I know that I need to be honest with him. It's just what is right, regardless of what I choose to pursue in the future. But, I want to be with him. I am a loyal person and I have a hard time breaking commitments. So... That's where I'm at.
I have too much love to give.
that initial conversation is one of the most difficult, so much seems to hinder on the other person's reaction. it took a major breaking point in my relationship with my fiancee before i could admit my feelings. like your fiancee, every time i had even mentioned my feeling about the subject he would get defensive and close off. finally i realized that he either accepted me as i am, as i have him, or there was no way we could continue the relationship. surprisingly he's taking everything really well and we're doing a lot better but i'm a poly-virgin so only time will tell.
you've been with this man for awhile and care greatly for him, i'd tried to be as honest as possible about your feelings.
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