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-   -   I want my spark back! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9842)

Vibrant 05-15-2011 06:08 AM

I want my spark back!
 
Intro in a nutshell: my DH and I have been married almost 10 years, together for 13, two children. We decided to open our relationship just a couple months ago, so we are both very, very new to the practice of poly. Over that time period, I've made a couple of connections that fizzled before they really got off the ground, we've what we call "squared up" with another poly couple (I'm dating both him and her, DH is dating her, he and DH get along swimmingly, and we all hang out together as well as pair off - oh, and they babysit our kids so we can go out, too!), and DH has recently connected with a single gal (let's call her SG) that has turned into a steady thing.

When we first made the decision to try this, it changed our relationship for the better in ways I never saw coming. I was so happy with things, I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. I believe I actually told DH at one point that I "feel like shooting kittens and rainbows all over everyone." In the last couple weeks, though, since DH and SG have started seeing each other, insecurity and possessiveness have been raising their ugly heads and dragging me - and our relationship - down.

I have no rational reason for feeling this way - DH is as attentive and loving as ever, and we make sure to prioritize our time together over everything else. SG is totally understanding that our relationship is primary and places no undue demands on DH's time or attentions. His relationship with SG in no way takes away from what he and I have, and I KNOW this in my head and in my heart, yet I still get that awful, visceral twist in my gut when I think about them together.

Any tried-and-true advice for moving past these negative emotions? I truly love the concept of open/poly, and think the world would be a better place if more people embraced it, and I want to make it work for us. I miss being the excited, passionate, exuberant person I was not that long ago, and I really dislike feeling always tense, queasy, and uncertain. I've talked both DH and myself (and even our square, a little bit) in circles trying to pinpoint something that could be "fixed." But it's not the other person, it's not the relationship, it's not the rules, it's ME. I need - and WANT - to change something, inside, and I don't know how to do that. :confused:

slm 05-15-2011 08:09 AM

have you met SG or spent any time with her? Sometimes this can help, other times it can make things worse. In any case, if they keep seeing each other you and her should probably meet at some point.

Otherwise, reminding yourself of the positive aspects of his new relationship can help. These positive aspects can also include what you get out of his seeing SG.

Have you thought at all about the approach that:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vibrant (Post 81546)
SG is totally understanding that our relationship is primary and places no undue demands on DH's time or attentions.

I understand that you may need this type of agreement to feel secure that you won't lose your husband. But at the same time, these types of love hierarchies can sometimes cause stress and expectations which are difficult to handle. You may want to at least think about relaxing the hierarchy a bit. People have emotions and demanding that they don't can be unrealistic, and can sometimes even push others in the direction that we were trying to ensure ourselves would not happen. In any case, relaxing the hierarchy can also relax the stress that it causes... in my experience, anyhow.

Finding fun things to do while they are together can also help. Also, trying to become more independent in general is helpful. Do you have friends or hobbies that do not include your husband? This can do a world of good.

I would think that also talking to someone outside of your poly circle could help... even a poly-friendly therapist, if you are open to that.

nycindie 05-15-2011 10:49 AM

I think the obvious difference between SG and the couple you're dating is that SG is single. It makes sense to me that you don't feel as threatened by the couple because you know they have each other, and you're in relationship with both of them, while SG is something of a wild card. There might be a part of you wondering if she wants your husband all to herself, even though there hasn't been evidence of that. A fear of losing your husband could twist in your gut, as you say.

You didn't mention whether or not you've actually met SG or not. I agree that doing so would be a good step, if you haven't already. In fact, she should probably meet the other couple as well, since your husband is involved with the woman there, too. It might not turn out that SG socializes with all of you or develops a friendship with you, but knowing that she has met you all in the flesh might help you. She will know all of you are real and that she is but one part of your husband's life.

polyexplorer 05-15-2011 01:45 PM

I think it's great that you are aware that the problem is with you and your reaction to all this. I also think it's great that you so badly want to be OK with it all...

I would hazard at a guess that these feelings that have arisen within you were inevitable and are just a part of what needs to be worked through for you so that you can embrace even more this new life that you are moving in to. Imagine the joy you will feel when you face these difficult emotions head on, work through them and come out the other side!

Keep breathing and prepared to face what ever comes up head on. Over time you will be amazed at how things will unfold... Everything in it's right time...

All the best!

redpepper 05-16-2011 02:47 AM

It could be that you had NRE for poly itself and now are coming down from that. There might be more to come in that you are just starting out with all the people you are dating. NRE could be happening with them and that will come to an end also and feelings could emerge.

I found after I had a child and took a break from poly for a bit that I got that feeling of "shooting rainbows and kittens all over the place" for everything and then crashed. It's hard to keep up the pace sometimes and hard to see through the sunshine for possible potholes along the road. Sometimes the clouds can go over and they are evident. It balanced out with time and with some break ups with people that I thought were a good match at first but ended up not being.

Take note, check in with yourself often and with the others involved and realize that it might be that none of this will last and all of it might, you just have to breath through it and make sure that your time management is in check and you are taking care of your primary; yourself.


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