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-   -   Our family is about to get more complicated (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=984)

LovingRadiance 10-20-2009 12:02 AM

Our family is about to get more complicated
Wow, without a long explanation how can I make this make sense? I'll try, but if you need details, just ask for more!

I don't really need any advice per se. Just need to think aloud and share some of what just popped up for us.

As you all know Maca and I have been in counseling recently and we're making great progress on our relationship.

Additionally our oldest child turned 18 and suddenly decided it was ok to be nice to her parents, respectful, responsible without all the attitude (don't know why she had to wait, but hey it's nice anyway).

Our oldest son is out of state staying with my father due to some behavioral and psychological issues he needs more help with then we were able to get him here. He's doing very well and seems MUCH happier and well-adjusted to the situation. Maca will be visiting him for Christmas.

We still have the 9 year old and the 2 year old at home (the 18 year old as well).

C lives with us, as does my sister Em.

Already this sounds overwhelming-but today we got a phone call from the adopted father of my Godson. I say my, because Maca has never been close to him. Z is 12. Almost exactly a year younger then our oldest son. I helped deliver him and his mom was in a horrible situation, I took care of both of them for 2 years, then she got married and over the years has been divorced, remarried, serious head injury in a car accident 3 more kids (2 different men) and is preparing to divorce her current husband. Said husband has adopted Z and things are getting a little weird.
She is moving to Louisiana around CHristmas to be with her family. She had intended to leave all the kids here. Things are in flux and have been for about 2 months, but as of today she will likely be taking the two youngest (1yr and 3yr) for 6 months, but Z is refusing to go.
He's been asking to stay with us (they lived with us on and off about 1/2 of his life). I haven't made the offer. His "dad" has asked if he can stay with us for 6 months while he gets money together to move stateside as well and he will take him back when he goes. He wouldn't be completely out of touch during that time, but he works on the NOrth slope for 4 weeks out of every 6. So he would only be here 2 weeks at a time to spend with Z.

We've talked a little and agreed that we will take Z. He's as much my son (in my eye and heart) as any of my bio-3 or my stepson. But there is a lot to consider! So many little intricacies in order to make this work for him (he's going through a lot right now) keep Maca and I on track with our relationship progress, keep our kids stable and calm during the transition, not allow the one child who is out of state to feel like he's being replaced (something he often feels like due to his issues) and making space...
THEN there is also the fact that his parents and he aren't really aware of our poly-life. They of course do know we all live here, that we are all really close etc. But the details they don't. They are.... strict christians in a very odd unchristian sort of way and would never be able to accept a poly lifestyle. ....

So that means C and I being forced back into "secrecy" within our own home. Now mind you-we aren't the type to broadcast things either-even at home. Maca is SO not in a position to face seeing me kiss another man at this point in our lives, nor does he want to be faced with hearing/seeing/encountering us having sex.. so we are VERY discreet ANYWAY. BUT with one more kid at home (who is also homeschooled so he's here ALL DAY) that is just even less time for C and I. Our time is already very very limited as it is.

We (Maca, C and I) haven't discussed this aspect-because really it hadn't even occurred to me fully until I started this post. But in some ways it worries me... Well, worry might not be the right word, but I'm not sure what word is!

I know I can't say no. I would take full custody of this kid for the rest of his childhood if the option were offered to me and Maca knows and accepts this. But I also don't want to turn our family upside down and mess up all the wonderful progress we've made!!! I guess I sort of feel like suddenly things are spinning faster then I am ready for in a weird way. I feel like the kids are very much a part of the loving-ness of a poly family.

I mean... not like sexually-nothing like that. But I love ALL of these kids as if each was fully mine. I can't just turn my back on one... just like with Maca, C, Em, I can't just STOP loving someone or feeling like they are part of my family.

But I have been so happy with how things were settling down, mellowing out, a routine was being found and we were really starting to connect (all of us not just hte adults) and now the is this whole new KABAMMM that could set the whole top spinning the other way now.

It's kind of overwhelming.:confused:

greenearthal 10-20-2009 02:40 AM

Your sitcom treatment has been approved. Hi-larious. We'll call some casting agents right away and put in an order for 26 episodes. This could be bigger than the Cosby Show.

Wait. Say what? This is your actual life? Eeep.

*backs out of the room nervously*

LovingRadiance 10-20-2009 04:32 AM

Thanks, I laughed out loud-and believe me with all this popping up so fast-I needed a good laugh.
We (maca and I) were just talking about you actually! Funny that.
Anyway-yes I swear we could be a freaking tv show!

LovingRadiance 10-20-2009 04:40 AM


Yeah green welcome to my life.:) This kids really is a good kid and he is really in need of some help and some time to get his thoughts together.Although its not my prefered way to help its the only choice we have and I just cant turn a child away anymore.Pray for Z and Us we caould use it:)

redpepper 10-20-2009 06:11 AM

you sure know how to pack stuff into life huh?!!

you would be doing the right thing taking him in, change is inevitable and I would be surprised if he really would notice so much... even so, does it matter? You will be teaching him an alternative to the bullshit his mum has put him through!

LovingRadiance 10-20-2009 10:32 PM

Let me tell you what RP. If I had the option I would adopt him and keep him. I think if the option were his-he'd choose the same. He's lived in my home more years then he has lived out of it and he resents that he can't have the security my kids have. Funny that when my stepson has to go to my dad's for the same security-but his mom makes it more complicated for him. He knows I will protect him, but he also knows how far she will take the fight. That's a WHOLE other story. :)
But Maca and I have decided we will take him-we are going to let them know our terms tomorrow and then we'll have to wait and see what they decide to do with it.We don't want or need their money-nothing like that. But we do need some security in our situation which means we need to know when he's leaving and stuff like that.

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