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-   -   Finally admitting that I'm Poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9839)

marz 05-15-2011 03:00 AM

Finally admitting that I'm Poly
Hi all, my name is Marz :) I am new to this forum and to polyamory in general. I had a revelation about myself regarding polyamory a few days ago. This is my story thus far:

I have been with my boyfriend (J) for three years. We live together and pretty much do everything together. We are both bisexual and pretty open out our sexuality. Our relationship is monogamous, but I would like to make the switch to poly because I believe our relationship is in jeopardy if we don't. I am very happy with J but I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible for me to be in a monogamous relationship. It is extremely hard for me to admit this, as I have never told anyone, but I have a huge cheating problem. I have cheated on J multiple times throughout our relationship, (J is aware of some of the instances and we have worked through it) and I could never quite figure out the root of my cheating problem until after some serious soul searching. I feel like I have too much love to give and not enough lovers to share it with. (I think it's going to be really difficult to articulate this to J without having him assume that he doesn't satisfy me or make me happy and that's the last thing I want.)

To complicate things, just recently a mutual friend of ours (M) ended a fling with me because he felt wrong for having a relationship with me behind J's back. During the time we were spending together intimately M and I started to have strong feelings for each other. We are both intensely attracted to each other now despite him breaking up the affair and it is very hard for me to view M as just a friend. I would love to be poly with both J and M but I have not brought the subject of poly up to J and I doubt I can talk about poly and M in the same conversation without J making a connection leading back to the cheating. I realize this is a bit of a clusterf**ck and a lot of this could have EASILY been avoided. (A lot of my story was mentioned in a thread I posted in New To Polamory)

At first I felt ashamed admitting that I'm poly because I thought many people would consider it taboo. I mentioned the idea of poly to a close friend of mine today and was surprised at how supportive he was. He also said he knew a ton of poly people my age, which blew my mind. I didn't realize just how widely accepted an idea polyamory was today, and it gave me hope for my relationship. I don't know how J would feel about it but I am planning on bringing up the subject to him this week.

That's basically where I am now. My transition to poly is just beginning and I'm already encountering problems. *sigh* Such is life. :rolleyes:

If you have any questions, feel free to ask! (note: please refrain from berating comments about cheating, I know the harm it can cause and the problems, emotional pain, etc.)

Erin 05-15-2011 01:41 PM

You have not mentioned if J is faithful to you or has straying tendencies like you. How does he view relationships and sex? When do you think you'll talk to J about your wishes? Perhaps he already feels the same.

marz 05-15-2011 03:09 PM

Hi Erin, thanks for replying :)


You have not mentioned if J is faithful to you or has straying tendencies like you.
He's faithful. I've never had any inclination to think he has at any time cheated on me. We live together and I know for a fact he doesn't know many people here and he doesn't go out much, so I am not the least bit worried about his loyalty.


How does he view relationships and sex?
Definitely no cheating in a mono relationship. He puts a lot of emphasis on trust and honesty in our relationship as do most mono couples. As for sex, he's pretty wild about it. We're both very sexual people. He engaged in recreational sex when he was single and he's been involved in threesomes before. He's really open about his bisexuality but he's never had sex with a man, only made out with a few male friends. So I know he's open to exploring new things while he's single. Not so sure about mono. Again I'm not sure how he will feel about the poly thing because he's the jealous type. I have a lot of male friends and J gets jealous when I spend time with them. I don't know how he will feel about sharing me, especially if I want another male partner, which I definitely do.


When do you think you'll talk to J about your wishes?
He was away visiting his family for the weekend and he's returning today. I plan on starting the conversation later in the day, so he has time to unpack and eat dinner etc. before I throw this life changing curve ball at him.

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