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-   -   New and in need of advice. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9823)

marz 05-14-2011 05:20 AM

New and in need of advice.
 
Hi, this is my first time posting here. Iím a bit shy, so bear with me. If this is vague in any way, please ask questions. I need some guidance. Iím extremely interested in exploring casual and/or serious poly relationships but Iím not sure how to bring up the subject with my boyfriend. Weíre both bisexual and pretty open when it comes to our sexuality but I donít know his opinions on polyamory. Iíve had these feelings for years but Iíve never shared any thoughts with him about the possibilities of exploring poly relationships because Iím not sure how to bring it up. I am attracted to multiple people and I love my boyfriend dearly but I can say with complete certainty that a traditional monogamous lifestyle is not for me. To complicate matters, I am very attracted to a mutual male friend of ours and want to have a casual relationship with him as well as a serious relationship with my boyfriend. Again, I have not mentioned any of this to my boyfriend. Iím unsure if I should bring this up along with the initial poly conversation or if I should wait on it, seeing as how my boyfriend can be quite the jealous type and he will have to adjust to the idea of sharing me. We live together so these feelings are becoming increasingly hard to keep to myself. When I eventually do discuss this with him I donít want him to get the idea that I am looking to replace him, or that he doesnít satisfy me, etc and I want him to know that he will be free to pursue as many relationships as he likes. I feel torn, I am living a huge lie, and I donít want to hurt my boyfriendís feelings. How do I bring up the conversation?

drtalon 05-14-2011 11:11 AM

Maybe introduce the topic through movies... Summer Lovers is a good starter. http://polyamory.wikia.com/wiki/Culture/Movies

Derbylicious 05-14-2011 02:07 PM

You might want to start by talking about open relationships in theoretical terms rather than telling him that you would like to be involved with a mutual friend. The book sex at dawn has been in the press quite a bit and might be a good way to start the conversation about non-monogamy.

marz 05-14-2011 03:39 PM

Thanks for the replies :) Books and movies should be great conversation starters. Your list was very helpful, drtalon. I have a few movies in mind that I want to show him and I will definitely check out Summer Love.

My boyfriend is open minded so I hope he will at least consider a poly lifestyle with me. Although I am still concerned about the possibility of him becoming jealous of my other relationships if we do decide to go poly. At least now I have some resources and knowledge on how to deal with the initial conversation.

Baby steps, right? :)

redpepper 05-14-2011 05:15 PM

Yes, baby steps. It sounds like there are some good ideas to start with here. I love the movie "Summer Lovers!" I think its one of my favorite all time movies. I love Greece though, that is part of it for me for sure.

Your boyfriend might be able to stomach "The Ethical Slut" if he is already pretty open to diversity in sexuality. I wouldn't suggest throwing that book at someone that is new to any kind of diversity though... maybe you could go to your local book store and take a peek, see if it could be useful. You can find it on line too and can even read it I think (?)

I would suggest attempting to put your emotions aside for this man and going for the opening up part of poly first. I know that is hard, but strong emotions such as lust and love can derail an otherwise reasonable process. Getting together might be really far off, so taking it one step at a time and dealing with his possible jealousy might be a start.

If I were you I would introduce him to this forum first. Before doing anything else. There are many people here that who have asked the same questions and are in the same boat. You are not alone and will not stand out in the crowd (provided you didn't use a user name that is obvious that is).

There are a TON of resources here on jealousy and any other poly dilemma. Check them out and learn.... grow.

Good luck.:)

marz 05-15-2011 04:04 PM

Quote:

Your boyfriend might be able to stomach "The Ethical Slut" if he is already pretty open to diversity in sexuality. I wouldn't suggest throwing that book at someone that is new to any kind of diversity though... maybe you could go to your local book store and take a peek, see if it could be useful. You can find it on line too and can even read it I think (?)
Thanks for the advice, RP. I did a quick wiki search on "The Ethical Slut" and it looks like an interesting read. J is pretty open about sexuality so he may appreciate the book. I may just stop by the bookstore this week and buy a copy instead of reading it online, that way we can have the book at home for quick referencing.

Quote:

I would suggest attempting to put your emotions aside for this man and going for the opening up part of poly first. I know that is hard, but strong emotions such as lust and love can derail an otherwise reasonable process. Getting together might be really far off, so taking it one step at a time and dealing with his possible jealousy might be a start.
Yes, you're absolutely right. It will be extremely difficult for me, but it's crucial my emotions for M need to be put aside while I try to work this through with J.

Quote:

If I were you I would introduce him to this forum first. Before doing anything else. There are many people here that who have asked the same questions and are in the same boat. You are not alone and will not stand out in the crowd (provided you didn't use a user name that is obvious that is).
I will mention the forum to him. Don't know how active he will be on here if he does create an account, since J has never been very active on any forums.

redpepper 05-16-2011 02:52 AM

Well, most people that come here make an account just to do searches. There is no need to post, its meant to be a place to lurk and learn... heh, *lurk and learn* ;)

marz 05-16-2011 05:32 AM

Quote:

There is no need to post, its meant to be a place to lurk and learn... heh, *lurk and learn*
True. I have done my fair share of lurking and learning on the interwebs :D

Oh, and to update on my situation, I talked to my boyfriend (J) about the possibility of us being Poly. Initially he was a little shocked and confused, but once I explained to him exactly what Poly was, he calmed down a bit. Surprisingly, he was having Poly feelings all along too! I couldn't be happier right now. We have started to set boundaries for our new relationship structure. There are some jealousy issues we need to work through when it comes to me getting involved with other men, but we talked about it for a few hours and we are already making quick progress. He still doesn't know about me and our mutual friend (M) but that will come with time.

nycindie 05-16-2011 06:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marz (Post 81718)
. . . I talked to my boyfriend (J) about the possibility of us being Poly. Initially he was a little shocked and confused, but once I explained to him exactly what Poly was, he calmed down a bit.

I am curious - how did you bring it up? And then how did you explain it?

kingtone 05-16-2011 11:59 PM

I think something else you may need to be prepared for is that even if your boyfriend is accepting of open relationships and polyamory, he may still place the restriction of you not sleeping with his close friend as part of him entering to this with you. When I began my open relationship, my partner and I sat down together and drew up what we call the "do's and don'ts' a list of rules to help us as we moved from a traditional relationship in to poly. Just remember to be open and honest with each other, hiding things will only hurt both of you.


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