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-   -   compersion and/or self-interest (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9809)

slm 05-13-2011 03:40 PM

compersion and/or self-interest
 
My friend/partner/husband and I recently opened up our relationship. This was after much talking, effort and going through the basics of polyamory Ė this is his first experience with being in an open relationship. Iíve been in a few previously, and was extremely happy when we finally reached an agreement to open it up.

After that, things stagnated for awhile Ė for him because heís very passive and a bit asexual, actually. Or at least he seemingly doesnít seem to think effortlessly about women sexually. For me, I sort of hung back from starting something with someone else because in some ways I wanted him ďto go firstĒ since this was his first time. The other reason was because the two people Iím attracted to are sort of risky (a co-worker and a former teacher) Ė meaning if they werenít interested it could make things weird in the future.

Anyhow, my friend/partner/husband finally made a move and had sex with a longstanding friend of his. I was ecstatic, and weíve talked through it since they hooked up. Things seem not only normal between us, but actually better than they have been in a long time. This seemingly has a lot to do with me, as I was unhappy being in a closed relationship. My attitude has changed since his recent adventure.

We live in different cities about half of the time, and I value my alone time. I think he would prefer to be together more, although he may be becoming more accustomed to, and appreciative of, our time apart. His date was about a week ago, and Iím already waiting for the next time. It worries me a bit that I am so excited and interested in his seeing this woman again. Should I be? I have experienced no jealousy, at least as far as I know. In my prior open relationships, sometimes I was jealous and sometimes not.

I canít figure out, either, if this is extreme compersion or rather self-interest. Maybe itís a mixture of both. I guess Iím just wondering if there is any danger in my absence of negative emotions. I suppose this may be similar to those types of relationships where only one person is seeing other people, and the one who is not is perfectly fine with that. However, Iíve only read about those types of people and have never known any first hand.

Iím interested in hearing others similar experiences, and if you have faced any trouble because of them.

rory 05-13-2011 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slm (Post 81325)
I can’t figure out, either, if this is extreme compersion or rather self-interest. Maybe it’s a mixture of both. I guess I’m just wondering if there is any danger in my absence of negative emotions.

I agree with you on there propably being both things going on. But people are self-interested, it's not a bad thing except in extremes. And I'm sure there is no danger in lack of negative emotions, I think that's great! :) My situation is different but I'm the same way in that I don't tend to feel jealous and I only think it's a good thing.

TruckerPete 05-13-2011 09:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slm (Post 81325)
I canít figure out, either, if this is extreme compersion or rather self-interest. Maybe itís a mixture of both.

I'm also going with a yes to both. :) As well, it sounds like you're looking for him to be more independent, and this could be a way for him to do that.

However, don't assume that in order to get your alone time or for him to be more independent he needs to be sleeping with others. Encouragement to take up hobbies or make friends or get involved in the community are equally valid ways of taking the pressure off of you to be his sole entertainer.

Morningglory629 05-13-2011 10:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TruckerPete (Post 81356)
However, don't assume that in order to get your alone time or for him to be more independent he needs to be sleeping with others. Encouragement to take up hobbies or make friends or get involved in the community are equally valid ways of taking the pressure off of you to be his sole entertainer.

I think you are on the mark here TP...those are also less emotionally messy alternatives for someone who may be a bit fragile to begin with. Confidence is so important and it has to come from within about oneself and not so much about sexuality.

slm 05-14-2011 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TruckerPete (Post 81356)

However, don't assume that in order to get your alone time or for him to be more independent he needs to be sleeping with others. Encouragement to take up hobbies or make friends or get involved in the community are equally valid ways of taking the pressure off of you to be his sole entertainer.

that's interesting, and relevant to our situation. He's actually always had a lot of friends, but had started to see them less often in the last couple of years due to quite a few factors... and yes, he seemed to have become less independent as a result. But he has also recently started to reverse that trend, and has been meeting his friends a lot more often again. Unfortunately, most of them would judge him negatively for having an extra-marital relationship.

I'm actually the one who is anti-social and rarely sees anyone outside of work and school.

(I wonder why this thread was moved. Should I start all posts here, since I am a new forum member?)

Derbylicious 05-14-2011 02:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slm (Post 81428)
(I wonder why this thread was moved. Should I start all posts here, since I am a new forum member?)

I think maybe it was moved because you're talking about your partner's first experience with an open relationship that might be relevant to a lot of people who are also involved in a first relationship on one side or the other. There's no time limit that you have to meet to post in the other areas of the forum though. Welcome to the forum btw :D

BlackUnicorn 05-14-2011 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slm (Post 81428)
Unfortunately, most of them would judge him negatively for having an extra-marital relationship.

Hmm, how about making some new poly friends?

slm 05-15-2011 07:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 81450)
Hmm, how about making some new poly friends?

yes, that couldn't hurt. maybe at some point i'll mention it, when/if the time is right. although he would typically not be enthusiastic about 'joining groups' - any type of group.

Freetime 05-15-2011 10:14 PM

Wow! Not 10 minutes ago my brother in law was telling me about this. (he's poly) I had to look compersion up as I had never heard of it before.

I'm new to poly so I don't know much but this sounds good to me. Enjoy the ride.

Freetime


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