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-   -   Am i poly? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9785)

P4ME 05-12-2011 12:24 PM

Am i poly?
 
I am in a 20 yr marriage to a wonderful man. we decided we both could have a separate relationship once or twice a year with someone else, Rules: no friends, no bringing them home, be safe, don't flaunt other person, etc. Does this qualify as polyamory? Any advice would be helpful as this is all new to me. I am stuck in Maine of all places with no avenue to meet anyone so not even sure this will happen for me. We are extremely private and he doesn't want to know about my fling and i don't want to know about his. I feel so much better tho just knowing i can, like a huge burden is lifted and that i may be attractive to someone else so it has made me more focused on me which i like. Also not sure how to proceed with making sure i am safe. require test results? help!

NeonKaos 05-12-2011 12:30 PM

Let's say you find someone you like. Are those the conditions you want to impose on a new relationship? Are you looking for emotional involvement or "just sex"? Why not become involved with friends you already know?

Sometimes "rules" designed to "protect" the existing relationship(s) fall by the wayside when you realize you are now "in love" or when you want more out of the "new" relationship.

I'm not saying that what you describe "is not" polyamory, but I don't see it as a sustainable pplan for the long-term if you are looking for more than "just sex". And, if you ARE looking for "just sex", then, no, it isn't "polyamory".

Ariakas 05-12-2011 02:09 PM

If you fall in love with any of those people you would be poly :)

MonoVCPHG 05-12-2011 04:21 PM

Watch this movie. Some people might not agree but it carries some very real emotions and reactions that I have experienced for myself. It's a sobering look into a similar situation you are describing.

The Freebie

Just to be clear: I'm not saying you shouldn't do it. I'm just saying you can't undo it.

redpepper 05-12-2011 06:45 PM

What you describe is commonly referred to as having an open relationship with a DADT (dont ask don't tell) policy.

This is a common way to come into poly, but it is not poly if you intend to have a sexual affair. Have you discussed what you would like to do if you fall in love? Its highly possible if you follow through on sex with others. Having some ideas on what you will do might help, although none of it might turn out the way you think.

Love is all encompassing and not easily abandoned if that is the boundary you choose. Remember what it felt like to fall for your husband? Powerful, overwhelming, incredible, beautiful. Having sex with others could bring that up again. If there is at all a chance you could fall in love, either don't go this direction at all or discuss options around having other partners.

Do some reading here and see what you find. Look at the search engine under tags and see what catches your eye.

Mono's movie suggestion is an excellent one!

nycindie 05-12-2011 11:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by P4ME (Post 81143)
I am in a 20 yr marriage to a wonderful man. we decided we both could have a separate relationship once or twice a year with someone else

A relationship once or twice a year? That's an odd way of defining a relationship. Doesn't really sound like a relationship is what you want at all. It just sounds like you're talking only about extramarital sex.

Quote:

Originally Posted by P4ME (Post 81143)
Rules: no friends, no bringing them home, be safe, don't flaunt other person, etc. Does this qualify as polyamory?

Not really.

A pity you aren't allowed to fuck your friends.

Quote:

Originally Posted by P4ME (Post 81143)
We are extremely private and he doesn't want to know about my fling and i don't want to know about his. I feel so much better tho just knowing i can, like a huge burden is lifted and that i may be attractive to someone else so it has made me more focused on me which i like.

Ah, so you are talking about just sexual flings. With an, "eh, what he doesn't know won't hurt him" approach. Wouldn't that still feel like cheating in a way? Wouldn't you begin to wonder about the people he's involved with?

Quote:

Originally Posted by P4ME (Post 81143)
Also not sure how to proceed with making sure I am safe. require test results? help!

Yes, for both of you, and ask to see the paperwork! Of course, you both should USE CONDOMS!

P4ME 05-13-2011 12:31 AM

Thanks everyone!!
 
I guess i am more confused than i thought. I think we are just bored with our marriage and want to be desired again like when we first met but we want to maintain our companionship. We love each other because we have been together so long.
We want it all and to compartmentalize the whole thing, not sure it is possible as some folks pointed out. I am infatuated with someone at a distance now and eventually want to get together with him twice a year out of state for a fuck buddy session. We assumed fucking friends of ours would make everything more complicated. We live in a small town in Maine :0( So Poly is when the husband knows you are in love with someone and hangs out with that person? or vice versa. We both think Monogamy is unnatural. We realize you can love more than one person just not sure how to incorporate that into our relationship or maybe we will eventually figure we want to be single and just fuck whoever we want whenever we want, now that sounds great!! I really appreciate all of your comments!!

NeonKaos 05-13-2011 12:34 AM

Well, they don't have to hang out together but they can if they want.

redpepper 05-13-2011 01:56 AM

I would suggest doing some reading here to see what poly is about. Try doing a tag search for "vees" "triads" "DADT" "lessons" "foundations" read in the blogs. Look at the definitions, look at the recommended book thread. Then see what you think. You might not be as confused.

nycindie 05-13-2011 02:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by P4ME (Post 81268)
I think we are just bored with our marriage...

Not a good reason to get involved with someone else on a relationship/love level, but it seems all you really want is sex. Still, it would be better to look at why you're so bored with each other, because adding people to the mix involves a certain other element - people! People with feelings and desires, who may not wish to be used just to keep someone else's life interesting. Put yourself in their shoes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by P4ME (Post 81268)
I am infatuated with someone at a distance now and eventually want to get together with him twice a year out of state for a fuck buddy session. We assumed fucking friends of ours would make everything more complicated.

Well, yeah, human beings are complicated creatures, but fucking friends could be really satisfying, depending on your friends, of course, and what you really want. I would think being with friends would be great for developing close, loving relationships. But it seems you're not after that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by P4ME (Post 81268)
We realize you can love more than one person just not sure how to incorporate that into our relationship or maybe we will eventually figure we want to be single and just fuck whoever we want whenever we want, now that sounds great!!

Maybe you should find some swinging communities or clubs. It definitely sounds like you are mostly interested in recreational sex where emotions are kept at bay, rather than polyamory. Polyamory is ethical non-monogamy, where everyone is aware, consents, and is honest about what's going on, but the focus is love, not just sex.

You should definitely do some reading. There's a thread of book recommendations somewhere here.


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