Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Life stories and blogs (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=5)
-   -   The start for me (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9763)

Tosca 05-11-2011 10:36 AM

The start for me
 
Hello,

I have decided to journal my forray into Poly and an open relationship. I have'nt had many relationships, actually I have only had 2 genuine relationships. My first girlfriend and my now wife. I have'nt had many more sexual encounters either.

I am 23 and I sometimes look at my life like 'how the hell did I end up here!?' I met my wife in the UK where I am from. She is Finnish, we moved here about 2 years ago (Finland). We have always had a great relationship, but recently things got horribly static. We ran a business together, and with me not coping so well in a new country and the business failing, we came to a point where our relationship was at tipping point. She left for about 3 weeks. That was a hard time, neither of us really knew what was going on. I don't know where it came from, but I suggested talking about an open relationship. I think I rose the issue because my wife, I'll call her S, has had a much more active life with relationships, and I know she is not happy in one place for too long. I know I brought it up because I felt I would lose her if something didnt change.

I have never been very exploratory, but since looking into open relationships and poly, I am amazed at the things I've never even bothered to think about before.

We havent actually consumated an open relationship yet, but the sheer fact that its now what we're experimenting with has not only revived our relationship, but revived me!

I have never met a girl through going out to bars, and the first night I went out with this in mind, I met someone who I am meeting with this evening. I'm excited by this, I'm not thinking much will come from this date, but the action alone is envigorating.

Me and S have always been able to talk with each other, but we had stopped really communicating. It's amazing to speak with her about this, discuss our feelings and discover new things about ourselves together. This is (and it hasnt even really started yet) by far the most liberating experience of my life to date. I have been through life changing experiences before, addiction, depression. All have taught me a lot about myself and I have benefited a lot by dealing with them. The difference with this is, it's so much fun!

I am loveing going through this site, reading all the stories, problems and successes. It's very comforting to see that human emotions are relatively universal, and that no matter what, chances are someone has gone through the same hurdles. I just can't wait to tackle a few of my own. I'm even looking forward to the difficult times, times where I might really struggle. Is that a little wierd?

Perhaps I have writen enough for a first post. I'll write something after 'now I suddenly realise' my first proper date ever! Ha, I'm married and I have never been on a date in the conventional sense.

I love this site and everyone who is writing on here. A big hello to everyone! :)

TruckerPete 05-11-2011 11:52 AM

Welcome. :)

BlackUnicorn 05-11-2011 12:00 PM

More Finns (and our admirers)!

Am super-curious to hear as to how is poly dating for a married British man in Helsinki these days, keep us posted!

Tosca 05-14-2011 07:55 AM

First poly date
 
Well,

The date didnt go so badly. I mean, It got a little awkward when I said I'm in an open marrage, and I was sure that would be the end of it since she said that it was 'not for her'. But she wants to meet again... Never underestimate a Finn!

So when I was first looking into open relationships I came across this article about jealousy;

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/P.../jealousy.html

This really put a lot of things into perspective for me.

So we (me and S) have been telling a few of our close friends what we are up too, and I've actually been a little shocked by some of their reactions. Some of course are first a little surprised but then accepting. But some just can't seem to accept the concept and seem very disparaging towards it. I can get not understanding, but being negative towards the idea I didnt expect.

Is this pretty common? how often is it that people (friends & family) react negativly to knowing about open/poly relationships?

And hey TruckerPete & BlackUnicorn, thanks for commenting!

@ BlackUnicorn, so are there many Finns on here?

TruckerPete 05-14-2011 03:19 PM

Check out the Coming Out thread. I think, the reactions depend on a number of things.

First, the region you live in. How accepting are people generally? How is gay marriage treated? (I personally find it to be a good litmus test.) How prevalent is the One True Way To God And Heaven?

Also, how are you coming out to people? Do you come across as feeling shame, or like it's a secret? Or, are you acting more like it's just another fact about your relationship, like, you go out to the movies every Tuesday, and you like to cook together?

Those have been the biggest factors of influence that I've found. And of course, when it comes to family, throw everything out the window and hope for the best. :D

BlackUnicorn 05-14-2011 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TruckerPete (Post 81446)
How is gay marriage treated? (I personally find it to be a good litmus test.) How prevalent is the One True Way To God And Heaven?

Strangely, I think Finland in some ways is fairly like what I have been hearing about Alaska - part liberal, part conservative, and you never know which part! So while we in many ways are fairly Nordic relaxed in our societal views (gays etc.), and on the other hand, traditional marriage holds great sway in the minds of many young people, despite it nothing having any better a track record than in other Western societies. So I've had some pretty extreme reactions coming from people I know and trust.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tosca (Post 81423)
But some just can't seem to accept the concept and seem very disparaging towards it. I can get not understanding, but being negative towards the idea I didnt expect.

Checking out the local poly scene might be a good idea to get some support.

Tosca 05-15-2011 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TruckerPete (Post 81446)
First, the region you live in. How accepting are people generally?

Well I think BlackUnicorn summed that up pretty well. I guess I mentioned that I was shocked because one of our friends in particular. My wife has slept with this friend (N) before we where together, she has always been a close friend to my wife. We all knew that N had a big crush on me. N is now living abroad for the time being. She took the news badly, I dont get this, as there has been a bit of sexual tension between us in the past... People are confusing!

Quote:

Originally Posted by TruckerPete (Post 81446)
how are you coming out to people? Do you come across as feeling shame, or like it's a secret? Or, are you acting more like it's just another fact about your relationship

I would say the latter, Me and my wife are very comfortable with this at the moment, and are just really enjoying ourselves. And the best thing is that it feels complely normal!

Quote:

Originally Posted by TruckerPete (Post 81446)
when it comes to family, throw everything out the window and hope for the best. :D

I actually cannot wait to break it to my family. I will of course wait untill I see them in the flesh, which will probably be some time. My dad I know will get it, he's the best friend I could ever have. My mum wont understand, or say anything, and my brother will be unaccepting and shocked.

I guess it didnt go so well for you?

TruckerPete 05-15-2011 11:43 PM

No, my dad reacted pretty much as I thought he would ... I think he wishes he didn't know, but I'm his daughter and he will support me. I can talk about my boyfriend, but he doesn't really ask about him. The biggest breakthrough my dad has had is recently saying that I had both my husband and my boyfriend to lean on when things got tough.

But I've read a lot of really terrible reactions on here. :(

Lily 05-22-2011 11:08 AM

Hi Tosca, I'll be very interested to follow your progress! My partner T and I are in a similar situation.... living abroad, working together, money stress, which definitely puts a strain on the relationship and helps to kill romance and spontaneity... especially if you don't work at it. Communication reached a low point where we were pretty much not talking at all about anything other than work and subjects that didn't touch on how much pain we were both in. I left for a while, and am not living at home at the moment.

Good luck to you.... look forward to reading more!


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:54 PM.