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-   -   new, confused, and unsure (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9760)

cat1231 05-11-2011 08:27 AM

new, confused, and unsure
 
Hi I'm new to the site and completely new to poly but i'm trying to cope and need some guidance. I've recently found myself in a relationship with a man that has told me he was poly. We've been seeing each other for a few months now and feelings are beginning to happen on both sides.

I haven't met his partner yet but I know that it is going to happen eventually. I know she wants to meet me as he's told me several times. I've told him that while of course i want to meet her i need some time. That is totally true. What I'm having trouble getting him to understand is noted below.

Truly what am i supposed to say to her? I feel a horrible guilt that I've interfered in their relationship to begin with and I'm at the point of going off the deep end. I worry in a lot of respects, after all she was here first and really as soon as I found out I should have backed off.

I find myself trying to be more and more invisible. I try not to message him unless I figure she is asleep or working. I let him buzz me so that I don't feel like I'm interfering in any way and that he has time for me. I've had a few moments where I really needed to talk since we met and he's always been available. This just adds to my guilt more as I know I'm taking time away from her.

I've discussed this with him and he's told me its not like that at all. She's understanding and is fine with the time he spends with me. He believes that we will get along very well once we meet. This is weighing very heavy on me though and I'm unsure as a third person coming into the relationship just where I stand if anywhere.

I could probably ramble on this post forever but I'll leave it at that. I don't know if i'm the only one out there that has this type of thoughts but I'm grateful for any advise you can offer.

BlackUnicorn 05-11-2011 09:19 AM

Hullo and welcome!

There is only one cure for this situation - meet her. ASAP.

There is a very great likelihood that you are worried in vain, that they are totally comfy with poly, have done this for a while, and she truly is understanding of NRE and happy that her mate has met someone new and exciting.

Why do you feel you should have backed away immediately after learning he is poly? Do some reading around - there are plenty of people not only happy with their partners having OSOs but actually actively advocating they get one!

I know one couple where the wife wrote a letter to her hubby's gf who was battling with the very same issues you are, feeling like she was 'invading' their relationship. Maybe try writing a letter to the wife, explaining your concerns and feelings of insecurity, and then arranging to meet her?

redpepper 05-11-2011 08:31 PM

I agree with BU on this. Meet her as soon as you can. It sounds like you are creating something out of nothing and the only easy to nip that in the bud is to do something about it. Maybe you could write a list of concerns and email them to her ahead of time, or keep it as a reference for when you meet. If you were my possible metamour I would be greatly endeared to you for how you feel.

Are you kidding?! I want my PN to find a woman that is as considerate as you are! Its much easier for me to give when someone is being considerate. I have been known to set dates up for PN with his past boyfriend because I wanted him to go out and have fun; enjoy himself! It means I get to do my thing too that way.

cat1231 05-18-2011 07:34 AM

Hi,

I appreciate you're input. We've talked and I've tried to explain to him how i feel. I know a lot of this stems from insecurity as well as not fully grasping what poly really is about. He's also told me that once I meet her things will be better all around for all of us.

Considering that its never even been a thought in my head until a few months ago i guess feeling insecure is fairly normal. Generally I'm a pretty secure person and I've never been the type to get jealous. I am finding however that this is a pretty new concept for me and is going to take some getting used to as well as a lot of communication.

On to my next question. Seriously is there anything I should expect in what gets discussed? Is there any questions I should be prepared for that normally come out when meeting? I do want this to work and i want to be sure that I don't have a faux pas. I've tried to do a search on initial meetings on the net but my results that are coming back aren't helpful.

Thanks,

Cat

slm 05-18-2011 08:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cat1231 (Post 82051)
Seriously is there anything I should expect in what gets discussed? Is there any questions I should be prepared for that normally come out when meeting? I do want this to work and i want to be sure that I don't have a faux pas. I've tried to do a search on initial meetings on the net but my results that are coming back aren't helpful.

I don't think there are any formulas to prepare you for the meet. The main idea is that she probably is just interested in the person that her partner fancies.

In this case, the best thing you can do is try to relax and be yourself. He likes you for a reason, and you have to remember that. From what you've said, it doesn't seem likely that she will try to make you feel uncomfortable but rather quite the opposite. Perhaps you can try to see her as a friendly person, and not as threatening. After all, you both have a mutual interest - this man.

Just try to be yourself. You are likeable, apparently.

Magdlyn 05-18-2011 02:12 PM

Usually when new poly partners meet the other partner, it's just a typical evening as you'd have with any friend. That's how it's gone when my gf and I have met each others' partners (or the one time I met the wife of a poly partner of mine). Just sit and chat, talk of many subjects. We never discuss being poly on these meetings, just whatever random subjects come up, as when you'd meet any new cool person.

GroundedSpirit 05-18-2011 02:36 PM

Hi Cat,

Look at this as if someone just dumped you off in the middle of the Amazon where you will be meeting a foreign tribe.

This is a complete cultural shift for you. Nothing more. Approach it the same way. This is all VERY REAL ! All of your previous background and understanding(s) do not apply here. There's no need for loads of apprension, only the need to accept you will be learning new customs.

Reacting in a paranoid manner will only raise suspicions, the same as it might in a foreign tribe. And there's no need for it.

Out of time for now.............

It's an adventure. Go into it with a positive attitude and open mind !

GS


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