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-   -   How to explain to new 'potential' lovers? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9746)

Tosca 05-10-2011 07:55 PM

How to explain to new 'potential' lovers?
 
Me and my wife have recently decided to try an open/polyamorous relationship. Neither of us have been with anyone else yet. I met a girl last week and I have aranged to meet her tomorrow. She doesnt know I'm married.

I'm not interested in being deceptive so I want to be completly straight and open about it, I'm just really looking for some advice in how to explain this to people that you are interested in, in a non-threatening and easy to understand way.

And I have another query, something that has been bugging me a lot. I guess there is not exactly an answer to this, but I have had friends who would boast about being in an open relationship, and I have had friends who have used 'open relationship' to justify a wedding ring in a bar. I think that this is used a lot to negate a monogomous relationship for cheating. I hate the idea that when I explain it to someone that it sounds like a lousy excuse to say, yeah I have a wife but we can fuck, I'm sure she'll be fine with it. I hope I never come accross this way.

p.s.

Hello everyone! lovely to find this kind of forum.

MonoVCPHG 05-10-2011 08:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tosca (Post 80880)
She doesnt know I'm married.

.

By "meeting" a woman do you mean in a totally casual "non dating" way? I'm only asking because going on a date and then telling you you are married could go pretty wrong.

I had a woman explain an "open mairraige" to me before and that was adequate. She was clear that her husband was aware of us meeting.

When Redpepper first explained poly to me I was in a bit of a haze around it not just being about freedom to fuck. That true understanding comes with time.

Just be honest and tell her that you and your wife are happily together and free to explore other meaningful relationships. Make sure the word "meaningful" is emphasized. Don't worry about the word "poly"...it'll probably be more effort to explain a new word to her then to rely on words she already understands.

I'd be more concerned about you being married at this point..depending on the nature of your meeting this woman that is.

Good luck

Ariakas 05-10-2011 09:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tosca (Post 80880)
Me and my wife have recently decided to try an open/polyamorous relationship. Neither of us have been with anyone else yet. I met a girl last week and I have aranged to meet her tomorrow. She doesnt know I'm married.

I'm not interested in being deceptive so I want to be completly straight and open about it, I'm just really looking for some advice in how to explain this to people that you are interested in, in a non-threatening and easy to understand way.

If you are interested it is usually best to disclose before the meeting. I believe. You might find the person resents being misled, even int he slightest.

Quote:

And I have another query, something that has been bugging me a lot. I guess there is not exactly an answer to this, but I have had friends who would boast about being in an open relationship, and I have had friends who have used 'open relationship' to justify a wedding ring in a bar. I think that this is used a lot to negate a monogomous relationship for cheating. I hate the idea that when I explain it to someone that it sounds like a lousy excuse to say, yeah I have a wife but we can fuck, I'm sure she'll be fine with it. I hope I never come accross this way.
The only way you can change their perspective is by being a better "open relationship" the reality is that covers a whole spectrum of openess. From NSA fuck friends to polyamory.

Tosca 05-10-2011 09:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 80881)

Don't worry about the word "poly"...it'll probably be more effort to explain a new word to her then to rely on words she already understands.

Good luck

Good call! I have been reading up so much about this that I would have probably unleashed a diatribe of terminology at her.

But I'm so new to this that I'm gonna see how it goes, If I make a mess of it then I have something to learn from.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 80899)
If you are interested it is usually best to disclose before the meeting. I believe. You might find the person resents being misled, even int he slightest.

Well I met this girl on a night out, It was going in the way of a one night stand. In the end I stayed at her place but nothing happened. I didnt expect to keep in touch but we arranged to meet. We havnt really spoken to each other a whole lot. So it seems a little out of place to mention it before we meet. After all there might not be anything there.

Thank you both for the advice!

MorningTwilight 05-10-2011 10:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tosca (Post 80880)
And I have another query, something that has been bugging me a lot. I guess there is not exactly an answer to this, but I have had friends who would boast about being in an open relationship, and I have had friends who have used 'open relationship' to justify a wedding ring in a bar. I think that this is used a lot to negate a monogomous relationship for cheating. I hate the idea that when I explain it to someone that it sounds like a lousy excuse to say, yeah I have a wife but we can fuck, I'm sure she'll be fine with it. I hope I never come accross this way.

"Yeah, my wife and I have an open marriage, and she knows I came here to meet you. In fact, she'd like to meet you, too, just so that you know she's OK with it."

That will either reassure her or freak her out so badly that she'll leave skid marks on her way out the door. Either way, you've been honest, and will have left a very different impression from a cheater who hides behind poly.

redpepper 05-10-2011 11:18 PM

There is not much of a way around people getting freaked out. It is going to happen. I always thought that it would be better that they do that before we meet or even talk to one another because then there would be no chance I would invest even the smallest amount into them being an option. For that reason I told everyone up front and posted it on my dating profile. I didn't even want to know anyone that would freak out. Why would I want to experience that.

Now that you have set up a date, I would get right on it and tell her. I like what Mono said about "meaningful".... then don't fuck her.... for a long time.... like after three dates of something. That will indicate that you seriously want to know her and connect with her before having sex... open is usually seen as having sex outside of marriage and that ones partner knows about it. Or it can mean the person is openly cheating on their partner. No sex-not open. That's how I see it anyway and I would assume that those you date would also.

Tosca 05-11-2011 10:51 AM

Thanks redpepper,

I completly agree with the no sex for a while thing. I know I went out for a one night stand last week, mostly because me and my wife have agreed that I need to experience more sexually, as I havent had many sexual partners. But I am really looking for companions, If sex is involved or not.

I've started a blog on here just to sort of document my travels into this. Not assuming interest, but here it is anyway.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9763

(sorry if there is another way to link between articles on here)


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