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-   -   Sex with no feelings or emotions involved (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9728)

Magdlyn 05-10-2011 01:45 AM

Sex with no feelings or emotions involved
 
Seems to me there are a lot of people coming here who have formerly IDed as swingers, but found themselves falling in love with a partner, which then causes jealousy in their primary.

There must be swingers out there who are able to keep emotions out of sex, for extended periods of time. I guess we wouldn't see them here, though. Maybe it is easier for men, who are trained to ignore their emotions almost from birth.

But it seems biology is against those that attempt swinging, FWBs, NSAs, and even unicorn type arrangements. It's well known that having sex with someone causes a release of oxytocin, which is the primary hormone involved in mammal bonding. How can we fight nature?

NeonKaos 05-10-2011 01:55 AM

It's more likely that one can convince oneself that one is falling in love with a sex partner when the sex is really good. It is probably the same neurochemical pathway as NRE (dopamine and/or oxytocin) that does this. This would explain why many people think they are "in love" until the "NRE" wears off. It's important to acknowledge that having great sex can sometimes fool us into thinking we are "in love" even if we are absolutely incompatible with someone in other ways that are necessary when it comes to sustaining a long-term intimate partnership.

redpepper 05-10-2011 05:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 80736)
How can we fight nature?

Why fight it? I for one am going with it... ;)

AutumnalTone 05-10-2011 05:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 80736)
Maybe it is easier for men, who are trained to ignore their emotions almost from birth.

Fucking doesn't require any emotions. It only requires some bit of lust. There's nothing to keep separate many times because there are no emotions present, and we certainly don't have to ignore what isn't present.

redpepper 05-10-2011 05:40 AM

To me banging some body parts together doesn't require talent or emotion. It's not sexy or life changing. It doesn't offer anything at all any more to me.... I would rather have a good nights sleep than fuck someone I have no emotions for. At least that doesn't cause me to have any unwanted emotions.

I don't get why anyone would want to force themselves to suppress emotions or even find sex without emotion appealing. I used to. It was exciting and made me feel special and exciting to others. I loved the attention and the fact that I was desired, but it was all falsely presented and a lie. I feel lied to that there was no emotion. The trust is gone because of that.

I have been reading about the effect the porn industry is having on sexuality these days... on third wave feminists and where slut culture has come into play.... seems suppressing emotion is alive and well. ;)

Interested32 05-10-2011 05:22 PM

There are never blueprints in a relationship.
 
You can only be yourself. If you go into a relationship thinking you are going to fall in love then you haven't experience life. I have met someone thinking it was love and after 2 years found out that it was lust. Society says you can only love one person at a time but i have been with a person who compliments me in some ways and another person who compliments me but differently with both of them they make you whole. As long as you are true to yourself and open on what you want and handle you have the tools to be open to anything.

Magdlyn 05-10-2011 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone (Post 80786)
Fucking doesn't require any emotions. It only requires some bit of lust. There's nothing to keep separate many times because there are no emotions present, and we certainly don't have to ignore what isn't present.

Well, I think you're missing my point. I've had sex with guys who left me cold emotionally. There was no real frisson of excitement, no NRE. I'm not talking here about the difference between NRE and love, I'm talking about the absence of any positive feelings other than an orgasm or 3.

Once the sex is over, the person needs to be able to carry on an intelligent conversation and make me laugh. Doing the dishes after i make him dinner or breakfast is a big plus too. :p

My impetus in starting this thread was to attract former swingers who had the mindset of sex with NO emotions, who then found emotions (love, infatuation, NRE, something intense and exciting) when they'd rather just bump genitalia and go home... but found they were irresistably drawn to a certain person, the whole person, wanting more and more time with them, cuddles, one on one time with no other partners involved.

BlackUnicorn 05-11-2011 08:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 80736)
But it seems biology is against those that attempt swinging, FWBs, NSAs, and even unicorn type arrangements. It's well known that having sex with someone causes a release of oxytocin, which is the primary hormone involved in mammal bonding. How can we fight nature?

Care to elaborate on the unicorn type-arrangement? Are there like primarily sex-motivated unicorn arrangements out there :eek:?

Quote:

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone (Post 80786)
Fucking doesn't require any emotions. It only requires some bit of lust.

I sadly pretty much don't come at all if I don't feel passionate about my partner :(. Which would make a worthless swinger. However, even when there is no passion, there can be giving and tenderness which motivates me enough to have sex with someone - for the sake of bonding, sharing, and yes, sometimes just to alleaviate a physical need the other person has. But lust is not my primary motivation those times and I would never do that for just someone, because what I get out of it are precisely those oxytocins and warm fuzzy feelings.

I think there are quite a few folks out in the New to Poly sections with 'OMG, we tried an open relationship/swinging and then shit hit the fan and love feelings happened' :eek::o:( -experiences. I personally prefer to stay out of 'we can never have an actual relationship, but let's have lots of HAWT sex instead'-arrangements, because frankly, then the sex isn't so HAWT for me anymore.

Minxxa 05-11-2011 03:04 PM

I'm more like Black Unicorn-- if I don't have some type of real connection/passion for a partner the sex isn't satisfying AT ALL and I no longer even go there because I felt rather icky afterward (not because I had casual sex with somebody, but because it seemed "forced"-- like I was trying to make something work that wasn't going to.) Just left a really bad "aftertaste" on the situation.

Doesn't mean I have to LOVE someone-- but I do have to have some type of good feelings for them as a person-- separate from the lusty feelings-- or it just doesn't work for me.

Magdlyn 05-11-2011 03:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 80972)
Care to elaborate on the unicorn type-arrangement? Are there like primarily sex-motivated unicorn arrangements out there :eek:?

Well, actually, when my ex and I first tried poly, we tried for a unicorn arrgt. This woman we knew, H, was part of a large loose circle of friends we had that we used to meet at jam band music festivals. She was single, and nice. So, she was a friend first, and I fantasized a casual FWB thing, getting to see her at our festivals, or other get-togethers we had with the Deadheads, like maybe share a tent or a room once every few months or something. But H and my ex fell in love, and she turned out to be not interested in me sexually, so it snowballed into something much more important for them, and uncomfortable for me. It felt like it was threatening the fabric of our marriage.

But I do think lots of people look for a "hot bi babe" just to add spice to their relationship, not wanting or expecting emotions to be involved, just a hawt sexual 3way...


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