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dreamglyder 05-09-2011 10:30 PM

Embarking on a rocky journey
Hello everyone!

I really find this site helpful and insightful. I have been a bit of a lurker for the last few months and feel it is important for me to post my introduction, so I put a quick hello in the intro section.

I don't often get a good opportunity to post a detailed post, so I would like to do so here. If this is more appropriate for another section and moderators which to move it, so be it.

I am a bisexual male in my early-ish thirties from Canada. I have had a half dozen long term relationships almost back to back since I was 17. In 2009 when I became single again after a 5 year relationship, I decided I wasn't going to commit to a monogamous relationship for a while. Less than a month after becoming single I met C, and told her I wasn't going to commit to monogamy for a while. I needed time. Not long after meeting I started to fall in love with her, but since I fall in love with people kinda fast, I let C know I was going to take things slow to process things and I would still be dating other people. A few months later I met J and also let her know I was dating other people. J was fairly different from C, but I loved being with J.

As I connected so well with C and loved being with J, I dated them for the majority of last year. Both of them knew the others name as a result of a social networking site. As the year continued my career was finally beginning (after a frustrating number of months post graduating with my Masters), in a city a few hours from home. All the while C was creating a lot of drama and frustration as a result of her insecurities etc... while J stuffed most of her insecurities away and was just happy to spend time with me. Life situations continued and it seemed that I was being pressured by C and by other people in my life, that I had to make a choice and stop "dragging it on". C and I "trial separated" for almost a month with little communication and it was clear i missed her, love her, and needed her in my life. An opportunity for C to come to the city I am working in came up and she was going to move in with me. I broke up with J and it devastated me. It devastated J. I broke up someone I love and didn't want to break up with. At this time I informed C and J that I believe that I may be polyamorous, but that I need to try things with C.

Fast forward a few months, and it is clear that I miss J and took every opportunity I could get to spend time with J and our common friends, which was a few times. I still communicate with J, and C knows I do. C knows I still love J. J knows I love C. It became apparent to me that I should explore poly when I move back to my home city (much larger population and a more liberal environment) at the end of my term. I knew I had to talk to C about my thoughts (and have been working through them with a therapist)

C is a jealous type, insecure, and not open to the idea of poly, but knows I feel the need to explore this. Meanwhile J and I have discussed the possibilities of poly life together and is rather excited about the possibility of being together in an open relationship. Enter: pregnancy. Yes, C and I found out last week that she and I are expecting. C has always had baby fever, is nearing 30, decided years ago (before I met her) that she would be a single mom if necessary one day. Also, C may not be able to get pregnant again for health reasons. She also knows that I will be in the child's life regardless of what we decide (abort or keep), and be the best father I can. She also knows that this discovery of being poly isn't going away. C seems to think that I want an abortion. I don't. I just want C to understand that if we keep the baby, it will not resolve the fact that I will be the kind of person that has the personal philosophy of love and embracing love and intimacy with a number of people. I see beauty in sharing love, and appreciating touch and intimacy with more than 1 person. It strengthens what you love about each partner. And the possibility of a few partners being involved with raising my child makes me feel so full of love and possibility. I need to do this.

What now? I don't want to break up with C. I miss J. I feel it is important to explore the possibilities with J. But I can't break up with C. I love her so much. I know this will be challenging with a needy, jealous, pregnant C looking over my shoulder and making drama about everything as she does. It's stressful to her, me, and to little Dreamglyder's healthy development. I want to keep him or her alive.

I'm so overwhelmed with all of this. Any insights and feedback is greatly appreciated.


dreamglyder 05-09-2011 10:45 PM

Oh and I see that I obviously cannot be in an aborted child's life as my syntax error suggested in my post. I guess what I meant is I would be in the child's life regardless if C and I are a couple.

redpepper 05-10-2011 04:10 AM

Well, it seems to me that your future is set for a few years. Time to raise a baby. That is the first priority I think.

You have lots of time. I have known one of my on again off again loves for 15 years. In that time we had one night in a bed together and nothing happened (pre poly), I dated his later wife for a bit (pre their relationship), they got married the same year we did, we all had kids together and then later when she and he separated we had some fun times together all three of us (husband, he and I), then he met someone and is monogamous for the time being while his divorce goes through, and he settles in with his new love. I didn't plan any of that and I had no pre-conceived notion that any of that would happen... not in my wildest dreams.

This all started at an age younger than you and now we are all in our 40's... well not my husband, he is much younger, early 30's.

You just don't know what will happen, but you do know you are going to be a dad and that is a very important role. It is the most important right now and until such time as your child becomes more independent... at around 3 they start that... at 5 they are attached and firm in who to rely on and trust. They need this to grow into emotionally healthy adults.

This is not the time to be thinking about other loves and about how to fit poly into your life I don't think. My husband and I took a break for 4 years and now have come back to it (4 years now), more mature, more grounded, more settled and sure of what we need and what future we see. We needed that time and we needed to be parents first.

I'm sorry, this is likely not what you want to hear, but if you want to do the right thing, then I suggest you buckle down and get at the task of being daddy. The other woman/man will wait until later. They will still be there if it is meant to be.... keep in touch as you are now and wait. You will soon be out of the "missing" feeling I think if you give it a chance. You can hold them in your heart and enjoy the memories. Put it all on the back burner and be patient and be a good dad. :)

MonoVCPHG 05-10-2011 04:19 AM


Originally Posted by dreamglyder (Post 80708)
H I know this will be challenging with a needy, jealous, pregnant C looking over my shoulder and making drama about everything as she does. It's stressful to her, me, and to little Dreamglyder's healthy development. I want to keep him or her alive.

I'm so overwhelmed with all of this. Any insights and feedback is greatly appreciated.


If you decide to have this baby and want to be a responsible parent..that baby is priority number one. Your own needs take second place. Pregnant women aren't needy...they are growing a life inside them.

Sorry you are in this situation and I wish I had better advice. This is not the time to push for poly...the health of your pregnant partner and the baby are what is important right now.

Good luck

dreamglyder 05-10-2011 12:04 PM

Thanks for the response.

I agree, my child to be is definitely my #1 priority. I guess what is concerning is it seems C will not ever be able to accept this about me, which will likely result in a break up, which may lead to not having the baby. And I can't turn off my feelings for J, I've tried.. I need to be with her as well.

However, little dreamglyder is certainly where my priority will be. I guess what I meant Mono by her being needy is that she is already that way pre-pregnancy. She's a sweetheart, but that's how she is. I feel like this decision is resting all on her, and this is all a lot to digest for us both, let alone her. Maybe the couples counselling will help all of this make more sense.

redpepper 05-10-2011 02:45 PM

It is a big decision. Any of us who have had a child know that... It changes your life completely. It is a relationship that lasts a life time. Its like starting a triad up with someone that know matter what will be there for the rest of your life. The thing is is to decide on a triad with a child or a vee with this other woman right now.

Her neediness is concerning. I hope she is working on that. I would hate to see it lead to co-dependence, especially with a child coming. That would be worth working on together before anything else.

MonoVCPHG 05-10-2011 02:47 PM


Originally Posted by dreamglyder (Post 80815)
Maybe the couples counselling will help all of this make more sense.

Great idea. Counselling is a logical and thoughtful path to take. Just try to ensure anyone you work with is not overly biased to any one true way of being. Take care

AutumnalTone 05-11-2011 01:20 AM

I will disagree with RP and Mono a bit. Now is not the time to tolerate attempts to manipulate you into monogamy or not spending time with whomever you love.

Now is the time to focus on establishing your new career firmly and focus on getting into the swing of parenting. That doesn't have to involve a manipulative partner given to drama.I certainly won't recommend limiting yourself to C and all that entails--time is too precious to do so. You will have more than enough stress with the new work and the baby to limit your relationships in that artificial fashion, for it is those relationships that will be your support during that time; limiting yourself to, essentially, the most stressful of them won't do you any good. It can also lead to you feeling trapped a couple of years down the road.

So, I'll say focus on taking care of your needs as you learn the new career and being parenting. Ignoring that sort of thing is not a good idea.

nycindie 05-11-2011 04:22 AM

Hmmm... okay, don't shoot me for this, but more than a few women in the world have tried what I'm going to say. It sounds very "soap opera-ish," but since C. is prone to drama, jealousy, insecurity, and neediness -- are you certain without a doubt that she actually is pregnant and not just telling you she is, to get you to be monogamous with you? Are you sure you are not being manipulated into giving her what she wants?

If she really is preggers, I'm also wondering why you weren't using protection, especially while things were shaky and knowing that a pregnancy would throw a wrench in the works? Common sense, man, common sense. You have as much responsibility for preventing pregnancy as the women does, I hope you know.

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