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-   -   What we are, as I can best describe it (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9717)

PixieChick 05-09-2011 06:10 PM

Myself, as I can best describe me ;)
 
I am very wordy and I will warn you that this may ramble, despite my very best efforts to keep it brief. I am 28 and, as I told my husband when I met him, "bad at relationships". I don't personally feel that human beings are naturally monogamous and he claimed to agree with me. Previous to dating him, I had tried to force myself to BE GOOD and adapt to a lifestyle that did not come naturally to me. I failed miserably every time. I just feel like I have so much love, but my partners have never been able to understand that developing feelings for another outside of the relationship I am already in does not detract from the feelings I have for them. And, to be fair, I DID make a commitment, which I TRIED to honor, and broke, so I was the bad guy and I was to blame...hence, bad at relationships. Evil cheating whore, what have you.

Anyway, I was unfamiliar with "polyamory", so I decided the best solution was not to enter into another relationship unless it could be an OPEN relationship. To my delight, when I met my husband, he agreed, and I thought we were on the same page. Long story short, well, I'm married and we are allowed to have SEX with other people...oh, but he has to APPROVE of who I want to have sex with, and vice versa...and he has to BE PRESENT...and he would really prefer -- no, INSISTS -- that it's all about sex, no feelings involved. *sigh* Okay, that's not really what I had in mind, and I feel like it's a little too late now, and we've been together about 2 years and I'm feeling the old familiar impulses the CHEAT -- which I hate, because I do LOVE him. I am JUST NOT MONOGAMOUS. And I can see that he will not understand, because unless I am having sex with someone, pre-approved by him, right in front of him, he is going to be all jealous and paranoid about it.

Anyway, I know I meandered off topic, I'm 28, he's 32, married for one year, I have 2 kids from 2 previous relationships, we live in Grand Rapids, MI, I am a full time student, we're both bisexual...although I lean more toward lesbian, quite honestly. That's a whole other issue we're dealing with that would take far more time to explain than I have right now. I usually start out with a committed relationship with a guy, who is (of course) okay with the fact that I am bisexual..."as long as he's involved". I'm usually okay with that, for a while. Then, maybe, he only gets to watch. Then, I guess, I get selfish and maybe sometimes I want to enjoy some female companionship without ogling male eyes and panting and drooling in the background. Maybe I want to lose myself in the moment and indulge in the sensuality. At that point I usually start leaving him out and seeing women behind his back. Most men I have dated have an "all or nothing" attitude, they are involved or it's cheating, and I guess I take the anger out on them that I even HAVE to cheat because they made it that way. Eventually they find out or I confess and of course, that's the end of that.

My children are 8 and 4, my daughter (the 8 year old) has autism and they are both the light of my life. :) I love camping, music festivals, concerts, reading, writing poetry, and crafty stuff if I'm in the mood. I have been reading tarot for 11 years, I'm pagan, and I'm into meditation and astrology and stuff. I do yoga but I've also been trying to do some more "hard core" exercising lately since summer is coming up. I am passionate about learning and about people. I feel very strongly about equality and justice, and am very liberal. That's me in a nutshell, okay maybe a coconut shell. ;D

As soon as I post this, I will be reading over the site because I am preparing myself for trying to figure out how to discuss with him how to transition our relationship into what I had in mind from the start. If we don't, it's just not going to work out, and I seriously don't want that. I am so sick of failing at relationships but I really think if he would just give it a chance we could be really happy.

AutumnalTone 05-09-2011 07:04 PM

Welcome aboard.

Sounds like you should be having this conversation with your husband. We understand what you need--he needs to know.

bitterborn 05-10-2011 12:40 AM

Good luck, I like who you are and I am sure he will too, once he relaxes enough to realize that you are who you are.

nycindie 05-10-2011 08:05 AM

Don't be silent nor put up with something that makes you unhappy and frustrated. It's time to tell him what you want and negotiate boundaries!

Psandler 05-15-2011 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PixieChick (Post 80669)

and he has to BE PRESENT...and he would really prefer -- no, INSISTS -- that it's all about sex, no feelings involved. *sigh* Okay, that's not really what I had in mind, and I feel like it's a little too late now, and we've been together about 2 years and I'm feeling the old familiar impulses the CHEAT -- which I hate, because I do LOVE him. I am JUST NOT MONOGAMOUS. And I can see that he will not understand, because unless I am having sex with someone, pre-approved by him, right in front of him, he is going to be all jealous and paranoid about it.

Nice to meet you. My wife and I live in Grand Rapids. I am 32, she is 28 (odd, huh?). I understand how your husband feels; I have sometimes felt this way. Of late I feel it is a matter of personal growth to let go and let me wife be who she is. She is more bi to lesbian too in some regards, and this can be a stressor for us at times, but it also opens up potential opportunities.

Psandler
(http://daat-erwat.blogspot.com)

Carma 05-15-2011 07:13 PM

Welcome to the forum, Pix! From your intro, I like you already :).


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