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-   -   Making Amends (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9714)

Eloise 05-09-2011 02:29 PM

Making Amends
Long story short: your couple says they wronged you (they played with someone else), ever so sorry, how can we make it up to you?
Problem: no idea.
I have never had anyone offer to make amends... and this after the female of my couple tried to get out of guilt by saying "well the past is the past and you can't do anything about it so you may as well move on."
Which I told her in no way did I accept that as anything more than a cop-out.
But then here I am wondering....how does one make amends? I am a bit embarrassed to be asking what seems like perhaps a most elementary concept... if I wrong someone I try to make up for it, personally. But someone making it up to me... that's... not something I am used to. I am really at a loss.

marksbabygirl 05-09-2011 02:42 PM

In a world where taking responsibility for your actions is a rarity - that's not an elementary question.

How does one make amends? Well - that depends.

Sometimes you can't.

Sometimes a simple, geniune "My actions hurt you and I'm sorry" is all that it takes.

It's a concept that's not taught to children - and unless you learn it as an adult - its difficult to put into practice.

It sounds as though its not so much an amends, as a trust issue in your case. Do you trust them not to hurt you again? Do you believe their apology is heartfelt? Or do you think its a matter "I'm sorry, but I'm only saying it because you expect it"?

For me - usually a genuine apology, without excuses, is enough for me to feel like the matter is settled. It rarely happens though. :cool: :(

nycindie 05-09-2011 02:51 PM

Maybe it's time for renegotiations on the parameters of your relationships with them. It sounds like it's a couple + you, the way you describe it, rather than a her + him + you situation, KWIM?

NeonKaos 05-09-2011 03:29 PM

Meh. It sounds like they feel guilty for some reason and want you to let them off the hook so they can say to themselves that everything's cool. What you described doesn't sound like the words of someone who is sorry for what they did and whether or not it hurt someone else.

But we only have one side of the story to go by.

rory 05-09-2011 04:27 PM

I would be just as confused. I don't know if one can really make amends, all that can be done is to apologise and wish for forgiveness. I'm not sure if I understand the concept correctly, though. I think I would like to explore what happened and why it happened to understand it all and to see if they are truly sorry.

drtalon 05-09-2011 04:49 PM

Exactly what trust or agreement was broken? Is your relationship a polyfidelitous triad, or are they just supposed to keep you informed in a more timely manner, or include you, or clear things through you first, or what?

My experience is that when agreements are broken, it's usually because one of the parties to the agreement didn't really want to agree to begin with...

Ariakas 05-09-2011 05:40 PM

Sometimes making amends can only be done by future actions. A genuine effort to change, to be better and act better.

Eloise 05-09-2011 05:54 PM

The guy of my couple is extremely sorry and feels terrible. The gal is the sort who feels bad, has a good cry about how she feels bad, and then moves on... nice girl but lacks maturity.

They were annoyed with me because I chose my studies (Ochem II final) for a few weeks over their company. I even told them I had to buckle down ...So they assumed since I wasn't physically in the group then, it didn't matter. So they did not tell me when they went out that they played. Hearing from them the next day how good and sexy and intelligent this person was kinda didn't help them in my perception... I think I was supposed to be happy they played. Without telling me.

They learned otherwise, and it was through reasonable discussion on how much it really hurt me that assumed since I wasn't available that they could go off and do what they like as a couple again

Ivy 05-09-2011 07:10 PM


Originally Posted by Eloise (Post 80663)
The guy of my couple is extremely sorry and feels terrible. The gal is the sort who feels bad, has a good cry about how she feels bad, and then moves on... nice girl but lacks maturity.

Please don't be offended by this, but it doesn't sound like you're dating a couple. You don't even seem to like this woman--which isn't good, if you do like her husband.

Offering a sincere apology and moving on may actually be a very healthy, mature response, particularly if there's little or no attachment between you and her (and it certainly seems like there isn't).

redpepper 05-09-2011 08:01 PM

Really? A "couple" cheated on you!? Whatever. I'm sorry, I would be really surprised if they didn't know exactly what they were doing and didn't care enough. They BOTH sound immature to me.

It sounds like the boundaries you have with them are not firm and need some clarification. Once clarified, if they are unsure, they should ASK for clarification.... what a fucking cop put indeed!

Ya, I think they owe you a really nice dinner on them and to spend the night doing exactly what you want to do. Then, as Ari said. The proof will be when in the future you need to study, they keep their sexiness at bay and wait respectfully and patiently.....

If you have boundaries with them that include play outside of your relationship then so be it, but that needs to be discussed and agreed to in my opinion. It sounds like you didn't and it wasn't clear. That is no ones fault, but it needs to be cleared up and they need to prove they are trustworthy...

I find it really hard to believe that out of the two of them they didn't figure on asking you how you felt if they went ahead and got their sexy on. Seriously, it seems to me it was a convenient excuse that they just assumed. Personally, from what you are saying here (I don't know their side of it) I would be really pissed off and would be asking for them to show me in many ways that they love me and can be trusted.... I would have a hay day of ideas on how to make amends... starting with the above suggestion ;)

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