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-   -   Feeling unwanted (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9695)

Alujna 05-08-2011 03:53 PM

Feeling unwanted
I met him online 8 months back. He is married and has kids and he's poly. She knows about me... lol, I speak to her more than I speak to him. It's a V of sorts. She and me, we are both bi... but we're not "sexual" with each other. We're friends. She's okay with me. I'm okay with her. That was never the problem.
It's a long distance relationship. I haven't met him in person. We both love each other. And there are plans for me to move in with him. But it's kind of a distant future at this point. I have visa issues to settle. Again not the point.
The point is we don't get enough time with each other. Even with the time difference, we haven't our lack of communication is excessive. Initially we talked about 3-4 times a week. Then in Jan, it was twice a day. In Feb, it was once in 2 weeks. In March, the trend continued. In April, it was twice a week/ once a week... fluctuating. In May, we haven't chatted yet. But when we do talk, it's wonderful. We chat for hours. Oh and all the times I mentioned talk above, I meant chatting on Instant messenger.
He hates the phone. We never talk. We do video chatting once a while. We leave the voice on. Eventhough we don't talk to each other through it. I like hearing his voice. But I haven't seen him since Jan on web cam. His webcam driver got deleted. He's busy looking after the kids, working, etc. etc.
I have told him that I want to talk more often even if it's just for a few minutes (when we talk it's usually for hours).
Oh and did I mention I email him everyday but he hates the email too. I keep a journal for him. He wanted me to. And sometimes he goes weeks without reading what I journal for him. I kinda don't feel like journaling anymore.
Oh and it's a D/s relationship. I'm required to ask permission before I get off.
So just to make it clear. I can't contact him anyway. He calls me through yahoo chat. I have his phone number. But he says he never uses it and that it's strictly for emergency.
It's been over 8 days since I spoke to him last.
Just to clarify, I speak to HER everyday. I love her as a friend.
I love him as a lover. And my gut says he's not double crossing me. I know that much about him. But I feel he doesn't take any extra effort to be with me.
In case you are wondering. I've told him how I feel and that I want to spend more time with him. And he says if he knew any answer to my problem, then we wouldn't be in the place we are right now.
We both love each other, but there are days I want to say fuck you. You may love me, but you don't want me as much.
God, it fucking hurts. But I know he loves me. And he wants me to move in with him.
And no, our chat sessions are rarely about sex. it's mostly cuddles and kisses and everyday stuff and how much we want to have sex with each other but we don't talk sex... at least not often.
I feel unwanted. It passes. Because the minute I talk to him it all vanishes. It comes back full speed. The happiness. Because he can make me that too. So freaking happy. I'm forever smiling when I'm chatting with him. And oh, I know so many details about his personal life that I know he's not screwing with me including his address and I've seen his kids on webcam. :)

So, I don't know how to deal with the times we don't talk. The unwanted unicorn feeling. Feeling like the third wheel. I know even in LDR going without talking to each other for 15-16 days is freaking long. But we have gone that long without contact. But he always calls me again.

I don't know what to do... I guess I'm asking for advice. Because my heart breaks just a little everytime he goes without contact for so long.

drtalon 05-08-2011 05:09 PM

New Relationship Energy fades in LDR's, too, and maybe that's what you're seeing.

nycindie 05-08-2011 07:25 PM

Could it really be love if you've never actually met in person?

Ariakas 05-08-2011 07:43 PM


Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 80529)
Could it really be love if you've never actually met in person?

Yes it can. I knew I loved sourgirl before meeting her. The meeting itself was a confirmation. :)

Erosa 05-08-2011 08:32 PM

Wow, this is a tough situation.

I work with a lot of women in their relationship issues, and I guess what i would tell you is that you have to consider everything that has to go into his day.

Men tend to be less chatty than us ladies anyway. But considering that he has his job, family, primary, and other "real life" considerations to handle, that doesn't always leave as much time as he would like to spend with you.

*hugs* stay encouraged!

Alujna 05-10-2011 05:12 AM

I don't think it's fading new relationship energy because whenever we get the time to spend together it's great.

I'm sure that it's love. For both of us. Meeting in person has nothing to do with it.

Nice to know that you agree with me.

thanks a lot for understanding!
When I posted this I was really mad and like I mentioned above feeling unwanted. I kinda expected all comments saying that he's fooling you (which I fully planned to ignore), but it's a wonderful surprise to read your comment. You understood it :).
But it doesn't make me miss him any less :(...
thanks for the encouragement.

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