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-   -   advice? people who aren't poly/general population anxieties (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=968)

ramfish 10-16-2009 12:18 PM

advice? people who aren't poly/general population anxieties
I've started talking about my new relationship on the other forum, but I do need a little advice. I would consider myself new to polyamory since we've only been involved with one other person thus far and it's been less than a year.

Currently I'm trying to take things day by day, but I can't help thinking thinking thinking alllllll the time. It's just the kind of person I am. Mostly I worry about being a social outcast, which would be particularly hard on me since I'm trying to make new friends in the area. However, I just don't want to step back and say no to J-kun. Anyway, here are my two primary concerns right now:

First, I know that he's familiar with the concept of open relationships but I'm not sure that he's familiar with the concept of polyamory. I'm not sure how to explain this to him or bring it up. I want to be low pressure, but I also want to maintain communication and be certain that he's aware of what he's getting into.

Second, I'm concerned about the 'other people'. Friends and acquaintances both of us know at college. It's not as much of a concern for my husband and my friends, because most of them know we are poly...and they live in different areas. How do you guys handle these things? Subtext can be fun but sometimes I'm wish I didn't have to watch my movements for fear of looking like the 'town bicycle' as it were...because I'm married.

Anyway, thanks guys for this place to share. <3

LovingRadiance 10-17-2009 02:15 AM

I struggle with that too. I know lots of people where we live and of course they all know I'm married. To boot where we live is kind of the Bible Belt of Alaska. So there is a lot of condemnation for anything "different".

So far we haven't really come out in public, and we're pretty careful. But I worry more for my husband's work associates than the public in general. For myself I don't care what other people think-I only care what they think/do to Maca or C. Because of that I leave it to them to decide how much we come out to anyone outside of "our circle". But my friends and loved ones know I'm poly and most know that there is more to our situation then we've ever said. They don't care.

StValentine 10-18-2009 01:26 AM

I also live in a odd area im from Utah and we are not accepted very openly. And you dont wish to explain. So i dont. IF they want to know they can find it in them to ask us. Until that happens i try to ignore the rumor mill.

ramfish 10-18-2009 02:19 AM

I guess mostly I'm just concerned with our mutual friends and classmates asking questions but as I think about it more and more...I wonder why I should care what they think. The only reason I can really come up with is that I don't want to deal with any drama. However, this is a relitively liberal area for Michigan, so I probably shouldn't be so concerned. But we just moved out here from the bible belt of the state...so it's hard to get used to.

alaskababe 10-18-2009 02:27 AM

Hidden in Plain Sight
We are not open to anyone in our area due to our jobs and family. Our adult sons know about our friends and accept it. Our teenager knows we have friends, but not the sexual side of the friendship. Our older sons put it together on their own at a certain age and we did not deny it. I have recently told a close girlfriend and she is unfamiliar with the life style and considered my dates cheating until I explained that no one was lying or being lied to. She still asks questions but is slowly getting the idea that it is a viable alternative to the basic cheating most married people do. I would prefer to tell no one until I am sure they would not use it against me or tell just for fun. Take your situation into account before divulging info to anyone you are not sure you can trust.

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