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-   -   My new Ai-jin (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=967)

ramfish 10-16-2009 03:45 AM

My new Ai-jin
So I saw this blog section and thought "perfect". I've been thinking about how I would like to organize all my thoughts and keep a kind of journal of things that have been going on to help me keep my head on straight...so this is exciting.

SO my husband and I started considering polyamory as a lifestyle choice about this time last year. We had a good friend who was poly and we got involved with him. Unfortunately, though the experience went well for a few months, it ended badly. He cut off contact with us in early January with no explanation for over a month. We let it go for that long because we knew he was busy, has a family of his own, etc. When we finally confronted him by calling and leaving a message along the lines of "what the hell? why are you doing this? " he blew up at us. Needless to say it left me somewhat distraught. My husband was just plain angry. It's been hard to get past that poor experience but even though I tried not to relate it to the practice of polyamory, it still affected my willingness to continue because of this first bad experience.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I'm giving it another go. We recently moved to the other side of the state. I'm going back to school and it's been a nice fresh start for us (we were in a rut for a long time with our jobs). So while I'm going around campus looking for people to meet, make new friends, etc. I'm a Japanese major and I met J-kun in my Japanese class. He is, of course, also a Japanese major.

He's a funny guy, who even though he looks kinda young is actually a year older than me. It took me a few weeks to warm up to most of the people on campus, just because I'm always afraid people will get the wrong impression and I'll scare them off. However I kept running into J-kun all the time. It's taken almost a month, but we hung out a few times, even went to a movie (Zombieland has become an instant hit on campus, it seems). He's very friendly too, which is what has made it so easy to get to know him.

J-kun is one of those guys who can't get a decent break. I mean, we've all had our drama, but I hear his stories and I just want to give him a big hug and tell him someone out there loves him. I often wonder what things would be like if I weren't married, however I am. That will never change. I can't really imagine my life without my husband, I love him a lot, I can tell him everything. So even though I was a little weary from the bad experience earlier this year, I gave it a few weeks before I really let the idea start to sink in. And as I got to know him a little better it was becoming pretty clear that I was defiantly into him...it was just a matter of finding out if the feeling would be mutual in the kind of way that would make anything with him possible.

Well it didn't take long. I already knew he was into me, he has said more than once "where were you three years ago?" Course, three years ago I was engaged ;) but that's beside the point. He was already comfortable enough to flirt with me/tease the married girl so when the discussion of breast size came up and I mentioned I wished mine were bigger, he said they were fine...backed up, laughing he shouldn't say something like that to another man's wife...but then for all he knew we had an open relationship. Viola.

Really the reason why I waited so long was I like him a lot as a friend. And even though I might fantasize about him I didn't want to make the suggestions we sleep together casually and freak him out, ending a potential friendship. I'm still worried about our relationship as friends. This is by no means a happy ending...it's a happy beginning. This only happened this week...and I just need a way to keep track of what goes on...I get kinda forgetful (especially when I'm emotional in any way).

Granted, the hubby does a great job of listening. He helps me keep my feet on the ground and have a point of reference when it comes to complicated things like this. So I will hopefully be a good girl and continue to post my thoughts in here...since things are guaranteed to grow, change, and having a way to attempt to map things out will hopefully help me get through these first few bumpy stages.

ramfish 10-16-2009 03:59 AM

My pledge to myself for the weekend is to give J-kun space. I think after this druggingly long week it would be good for this thing as it develops. So. Pledge made.

Time to muse...

I'm worried about the man, he's been pretty stressed out the last couple of days. Of course I can't help but think I'm contributing to this...but then I say STOP to my negative subconscious...because he told me that his week has been full of ups and downs, smiled, and said I was the up.

For a point of reference, J-kun (enthusiastically) agreed to sleep with me Monday night after he, A-san, and I went to a local club. I stayed the night there, had a far too much fun, and still get a fire in my groin thinking about it.

Before we hooked up he had told me he had slept with another girl in our class a few times. It was a casual thing...she's kinda a freak in bed, I'm told. She had said very specifically that he was NOT her boyfriend and the two or three romps were just booty-calls. However she's started acting weird...apparently she had been badgering him about not acting like her boyfriend at the club. J-kun is trying to find a way to tell A-san he doesn't want to do anything with her anymore. I don't want to get directly involved because...well...everyone in our class knows I'm married and while I love poly...scandal and drama is not something I'm into.

So...I hope that it's something that goes away quietly. Not really for me, but for him. In addition to this stressing him out, I know school is getting to him (I'm feeling the mid-term slump as well) and he told me he had a big fight with his dad this week. I didn't ask him about that...even if I wanted to. I felt it was more respectful. Though, I need to find a way to let him know that he can talk to me...I can just listen...even if he's worried he'd just be bitching.

ramfish 10-19-2009 02:17 AM

I'm hoping that J-kun really does understand what exactly poly is about. It's definitely a completely different experience getting involved with someone who isn't already familiar with the lifestyle. He told me he was only afraid something would happen like I would fall in love with him and I would leave my husband for him, which is not something he wants to happen. I assured him he's not going to split me and my husband up and romance is kinda the point.

So I hope when I asked him if he understands what he's getting into and if it would help if I showed him some stuff he assured me he gets it. Then again...what is there really to get? If I let things just develop on their own, is it so bad to not place a label on it just so I can feel confident he understands what this is or could be?

o.O help the nerves are getting to me.

ramfish 10-21-2009 01:46 AM

Today was my husband and my second anniversary. We spent the day together, had a really nice dinner (mmmm crab shack) and then he came to Japanese with me since we were driving together.

My hubby is totally all for me spending time with J-kun and I can see that he really wants to get to know this guy too. The only clincher is that I think it's just a little bit awkward for J-kun. He has that train of thought of "Oh, hi, I'm the guy sleeping with your wife." My husband has suggested we need to sit down with him and spell it out for him; because I'm getting the feeling that even if he says he gets it...he doesn't really get it.

It's not that I think he has NO idea what this is...I just think he doesn't understand what it could be. As in...it would be okay to get emotionally involved. If he's comfortable with that; which is the only thing I'm worried about.

ramfish 10-23-2009 04:49 PM

Wednesday was a very /panicflail kind of day. I had planned on staying home because one of my two classes was canceled and work on the quilt I'm making for a friend's wedding. I had a good afternoon and I was happy when my hubby came home and was ready to spend a lazy evening with him. Well ... I'm not *blaming* him for me being so neurotic, but he said we should see if J-kun was free and have a serious conversation with him about poly. I was still nervous about it, not wanting to push him, put to much pressure on him, etc. but I felt that the hubby was right but kept stalling. Well he made like he was going to send J-kun the message himself, teasing me (trying to make me relax...but not doing a very good job ((hes great at that =p))) so I sent the message. Then got a stomach ache, laid down for an hour, getting no response.

So we went out to dinner, caught up on our TV watching, and then I continued stitching away at my sewing machine trying not to think about it too much. However it's a terrible habit of mine, so I just ended up thinking about it ANYWAY. I shed a few panic tears, worried that I was scaring him off. My husband kept reassuring me that he didn't think that would happen, reminding me, quite logically, that he was probably just busy. Which, of course, he was right about. (/shock awe)

I KNEW J-kun was probably busy, but that doesn't keep me from letting all the little bits of stress about a new relationship creep up on me occasionally and coming out all at once. We call it "spewing molten-crazy all over the place." I try not to do it. I never do it in public, or, really, with anyone other than my husband. I'm a private person when it comes to my feelings so I don't tend to let them out unless I am comfortable, and it takes a lot of faith and trust in someone before I'm ready to let myself go.

Luckily that is starting to happen with J-kun. AND it's not just happening with him. I've still been kind of "testing the waters" out here with my peers. A little afraid that if I let myself BE MYSELF these people will stare at me with a wtf kind of response. However, people out here are pretty relaxed, which is refreshing. It's just difficult to let old habits die.

ANYWAY I did see J-kun yesterday and we were all getting ready for our Japanese midterm and oral presentation/test. We had a pretty friendly day, though I can't say that my nerves weren't making me ill. And I cannot entirely contribute my stress to what is going on with J-kun. I mean, he is not the only thing going on with me. I've got this present to finish, Japanese tests to pass (hopefully with flying colors) and three other classes to worry about. Oh yeah, and there's that husband and those three cats I have at home that are waiting to see me at the end of the day ^_~

However I got to spend the night with J-kun. I went back to his place with him and A-san and we watched two movies (Japanese ninja dorkyness followed by Sukiyaki Western Django). J-kun let me know he was glad I was coming before we picked up A-san. He's still trying to let he know he's not interested anymore. It seems all she wants from him is sex and even though he's attracted to her, she's into things he's not. I can tell it's a little uncomfortable for him. I do like A-san, she seems nice enough, even if she is a little weird. However, I'm pretty used to weird.

J-kun has said multiple times that he is thinking he will tell her he has a girlfriend. I have been wondering if he meant that as a deflection to her, as a way to get her to understand their fling was over, or if he meant it in reference to me. Well that question was answered last night, and he really does mean me. I just don't think he would tell her who, simply because I have expressed my desire to try and remain discreet among our peers simply because I do not want to have to deal with all the questions it will raise. Perhaps at a later date when I am more comfortable with what our relationship is, I will not have such worries about explaining it to others. However, right now, this is what I am comfortable with and I am glad he respects that.

He did ask me what it was my husband and I wanted to talk to him about. I told him we just wanted to explain poly to him better. He let me know that he really doesn't need it spelled out for him, that he does get it. I said I just needed him to know about it being the belief that people are capable of loving more than one person at a time, which is really the ONLY thing I wanted to say out loud to him. He expressed a distaste for wanting to complicate things by defining them. He is much more comfortable letting our relationship be what it is and not trying to put labels on it. I agree, so I am feeling much better about it now.

I get to spend all day tomorrow with meh hubby driving cross-state to a wedding. Even though he hates the driving, I like being in the car with him for some reason. I don't know why. It's silly ^_~ but I'm excited.

blackbirdsings 10-28-2009 12:50 AM

thanks for sharing your thoughts

ramfish 10-28-2009 03:46 AM

I've had a see-saw couple of days. Yesterday I spent the day with J-kun, a nice relaxing afternoon before class. My husband wanted to go to the club to try to get to know A-san better. My hubby is interested in her but she doesn't know him like at all. =p Anyway neither she nor J-kun was interested in going...which was a little happy with because I was not quite ready for that yet.

My husband has not yet had a secondary of his own and though I really want him to have the experience, it is not an easy idea to get used to. Also, I don't really know A-san very well...but so far she hasn't made me too weary of what she might be like.

Anyway the plan is we will all go to the club on Friday together, which is exciting.

Today I had a typical retarded girl moment day...the kind where I get all paranoid about what people (read: J-kun) think about me and need to have a converstaion. So of course there were people around us AT ALL TIMES today...making that pretty much impossible until everyone dispersed and he said "whelp gonna watch some tv before class" and went off to do that. So I fretted for a while...then finally went back in and talked to him. As usual, DUMB GIRL. Totally nothing to worry about and he defiantly made me certain that yes, I can talk to him, and no, I don't have to worry so much.

So. Things are going well. Time to relax and let things do as they will.

ramfish 10-31-2009 09:16 AM

Tonight the husband, myself, J-kun, and A-san went to a local club for some dancing. For the most part, it was fun...but I think everyone went home disappointed.

So here's the rundown. J-kun has still not told A-san he's not interested in fooling around with her anymore. My husband is, however, interested in A-san. She is his type. So we pretty much spent an hour waiting for someone to get the nerve to actually go onto the dance floor, which ended up being J-kun and I at first. Eventually we all were out there, it was a lot of fun, until we started to step off as it got crowded and needed water, etc. Then it was a lot of talking and standing close as people pushed by to get on and off the dance floor, to the bar, etc.

So even though there were some moments of uncomfortable-ness it was a lot of fun. After a few hours A-san was ready to leave, but I wasn't. I really wanted to get J-kun back on the dancefloor but it was crowded and my hubby relayed to me via A-san she was ready to go. I/we had hoped that my husband could take her home and I could stay a little while longer with J-kun but it didn't work out that way. She asked J-kun to take her home, confusing me, because the men had agreed to do what I was thinking, but that wasn't what happened. In my confusion she let me know they were leaving and that she wanted to take J-kun home and 'fuck the shit out of him'.

Let the discomfort begin. Well neither me or my husband wanted to stay at the club after that, so we left right after them. Then we ran into them outside. J-kun invited us back to his place, and then went off to his car, leaving A-san with us. I could defiantly tell on the ride over to J-kun's place she was pissed. Huffing and sighing in the backseat was abound.

So we watched some TV at J-kun's for a few hours, decided that it was late at about 3am, and decided to break it up for the night. J-kun's tactic for telling A-san 'no' was offering to take her home and saying 'not tonight' when she pouted and asked if she couldn't just sleep there. So husband and I left, leaving J-kun to take A-san home.

We could only imagine what happened on their way back. Mutually husband and I wish J-kun would just talk to her. I'm not sure what will happen, but hopefully things will get resolved.

I need to write this part of my thoughts of this down: I would not have a problem with J-kun's interactions with A-san if I did not know that he is not interested in continuing bedroom relations with her. If he did not complain about having to see her and tell her no and come up with excuses for why he can't 'hang out' that day. It was supposedly a casual fuck-buddy thing, but she behaves strange about it sometimes and that bothers him. The thing is: the longer he waits to talk to her, regardless of what her impressions are, the worse it will be.

I am not in the habit of telling people what to do, especially when it comes to relationships. So unless they ask me explicitly for my advice, or my opinion, I just listen. I'll give my initial impressions, but nothing along the lines of "oh my god...well you should blah-blah-blah" So we shall see how things go from here.

ramfish 11-06-2009 03:34 AM

I got to spend Tuesday night with J-kun. It was a lot of fun. We spent the night playing video games and watching TV, the perfect night for me, really. Since I talked to him last week about my neurosis I have been feeling a lot better about being able to just talk to him.

Yesterday I got to spend the night with the hubby. Wednesday is my long afternoon, it's nice considering I spend 3/5 nights of the week in Japanese class until late.

And now I'm jumping around. bear with me.

J-kun does martial arts and ripped his uniform last week. I got to fix it for him, as I am a sewing wiz. ^_~ It feels so good to get to do something nice for him with no strings attached. When I returned it to him today he was happy and started to try to think of ways he could repay me. "Did cost you anything?" "I should get you lunch" etc. No no no, hun, you don't get it. I do it because I like you, silly man. The only thing he needs to do to repay me is keep spending time with me and being him.

So there is one thing that is still going on that has been bothering me but I'm going to create a new thread elsewhere about it and ask people to give me feedback on that one, because I need some outside opinion.

Otherwise, things are good. I'm crossing my fingers for a good weekend with easy days at work and long nights with my boys.

ramfish 11-09-2009 11:26 AM

Excellent weekend. Saturday night my husband and I went over to J-kun's, watched movies all night, and had a fantastic time. In no way have I been feeling that the two of them needed to be friends, but I knew that they would get along just fine. My husband has been wanting to spend time with J-kun for a few weeks, feeling that if he did, J-kun would not feel uncertain about our relationship. It's funny, though, because I don't think that he is worried so much about how things go between the two of us, but how my husband feels about the whole thing. My husband went home and left me there for the night, J-kun making a comment about not being a 'wife stealer'. Well, that is not something he has to worry about, and both my hubby and I know it; J-kun just needs to let that sink in and let his worries fade away.

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