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-   -   A date... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9667)

Isaac 05-07-2011 06:28 PM

A date...
 
So, I had my first real 'date' with a women other than my partner, Rachel, last night... We met online (something I have never done before) and we met for drinks. Things went great for a couple of hours: felt like we connected (even though I sensed minor reluctance when I mentioned I was a feminist... generally a red light for me, but it seemed fine this time), conversation went smoothly, we laughed lots, I wasn't constantly in my head thinking about Rachel... it was good.

Then she asked me why I was on the dating site we met on (because I 'seem like a great guy'... based on some underlying assumption that only shitty people have to resort to online dating? I dunno...). Anyway, currently my philosophy on when to disclose that I'm poly is the earliest time it feels right, without being too early, and it's a must whenever it feels like it would be dishonest not to do so... So when she asked me why I was online, I think it would have been dishonest for me not to tell her I was with Rachel.

As you all may have guessed, it didn't go so fantastically. It certainly could have been worse, but it was not good. She was "confused." She wants something more 'traditional,' etc etc. She wasn't 'trying to offend' me 'or anything,' but it just isn't what she wants. She wants her man to 'give her everything' or some such thing. Anyway, I realize that (and perhaps just realized it more strongly now, having typed it out) with her having these values and me having mine, we probably aren't such a fantastic fit, for long term anyway... but I guess I'm just really frustrated that I connected so well with somebody (and we spoked quite a bit afterwards about how much we enjoyed one another and how disappointed we were) and that it's now impossible for us to even have a bit of temporary romantic fun because of 'traditional' societal fucking values. She still wants to see me, but it can't be 'romantic' now. I told her I would see her again, and she asked if that was OK even knowing her stance. Yes. I asked her the same question (knowing that I was attracted to her and wanted more than 'just friends')... she said she doesn't know, with a laugh.

Uhg.

MindfulAgony 05-07-2011 10:15 PM

That's why I find "offline" dating so difficult being poly. When to blurt out "I'm poly which means I have two girlfriends and..."? I don't feel I can even express romantic interest in someone offline without this particular preamble. I'm more out than most in that most anyone I care about knows. But, it's still not easy when meeting new people. Just not so easy.

Online dating is dead easy for me in this regard. It's mentioned in my profile six ways to Sunday. And, always part of the initial discussion about how much time I currently have to devote to another relationship and whether or not that works.

Making it part of your profile does indeed reduce your message traffic. But, at least, I have more confidence that those who are willing to spin up a dialogue are doing so with at least the willingness to explore non-monogamy.

Ariakas 05-08-2011 02:33 AM

I pretty much disclose right away. I don't want to risk anything. Anyone I am interested in knows I am in an open relationship. You then build the relationship on a fishery important piece of honestly :)

nycindie 05-08-2011 07:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Isaac (Post 80401)
We met online (something I have never done before) and we met for drinks. . . . It certainly could have been worse, but it was not good. She was "confused." She wants something more 'traditional,' etc etc. She wasn't 'trying to offend' me 'or anything,' but it just isn't what she wants. She wants her man to 'give her everything' or some such thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MindfulAgony (Post 80412)
When to blurt out "I'm poly which means I have two girlfriends and..."? I don't feel I can even express romantic interest in someone offline without this particular preamble. . . . always part of the initial discussion about how much time I currently have to devote to another relationship and whether or not that works.

Making it part of your profile does indeed reduce your message traffic. But, at least, I have more confidence that those who are willing to spin up a dialogue are doing so with at least the willingness to explore non-monogamy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 80429)
I pretty much disclose right away. I don't want to risk anything. Anyone I am interested in knows I am in an open relationship. You then build the relationship on a fishery important piece of honestly :)

Yeah, even if you don't mention it in your profile (I don't), it's a good idea to bring it up in your conversations before you actually meet.

That being said, sounds like you two had some powerful attraction to each other. Who knows where a friendship might lead? Keep looking but perhaps don't let this one drift away - she might eventually be open to poly after she gets to know you better.

Erosa 05-08-2011 08:28 PM

Speaking from the perspective of a woman who has been on dating sights, I have to say the right time to tell someone you are poly is on your initial profile.

First, it is honest. But second, you are not looking for a non-poly relationship anymore than the monos who see your profile are looking for a non-mono relationship.

It saves everybody time.

Also, I have to say that if I saw "I am poly and seeking a second lover" on a profile, I would at least feel curious enough to check it out. On the other hand, if I was told about it after I go through the hopes, the anxeities, and the hassle of meeting the person, I would be, at a minimum, annoyed. And probably for that reason alone lose interest.

I also think that poly guys really have to be careful about how they come across when telling woman that they are poly because I have met a lot of guys who, when they say they are poly, come across as arrogant SOBs who think they deserve more than one woman. (this is rarely the reality, but it is often the first impression that is given.)

So, telling the viewer of a profile right off the bat what they are and are not getting into by talking to you is probably your very best bet. :)

Best of luck in your search for a second!

drtalon 05-08-2011 09:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Erosa (Post 80536)
the right time to tell someone you are poly is on your initial profile.

Seconded.


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