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-   -   Told my family (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=964)

ourquad 10-16-2009 12:31 AM

Told my family
Well, I did it, finally. I told my mom and the two of my sisters that are in town this weekend that we are polyamorous. Now, they've met Tech and Kitten before but as our best friends.

I thought, and now know, that some of this was suspected. Knowing my family, I felt if they wanted those suspicions confirmed they would ask me. But, I have been feeling like I was living a lie with them and I just couldn't keep doing that since honesty is so important to me. Truthfully, at the beginning, I just wasn't prepared enough to know how to answer questions they might pose and we have had to work through so many things that I didn't feel confident enough we would make it at times for me to add the additional emotional stress of telling them to what I was already going through.

January will be three years since we all met and I think we've made it to a point that it was more stressful for me not to tell them that it was to do so.

Mom wishes I had just let her suspect. She is, however, good at denial and I feel can soon find herself there again if she needs that to cope. In fact, I told her if it made her feel better to just go back to thinking of them as our best friends because they are. Everyone's main concern is that Gator and I are doing fine as a couple. I understand that. Hopefully, it will eventually be like with our youngest son, and once they see that we are good it won't concern them any more. My sisters didn't have much to say. I have told them that if they come up with questions they'd like to ask I will be happy to answer them.

I was in an odd mood afterwards and just wasn't up to posting about this last night. Today I've decided to just be optimistic about things.

MonoVCPHG 10-16-2009 01:25 AM

WOW and good for you...breath easy.

HappiestManAlive 10-16-2009 02:39 AM

I hope all goes well in the long term. Sounds like it could have been worse though!

ourquad 10-16-2009 03:04 AM

They haven't treated me differently since I told them. They love me and I know that. They are just concerned. I think I wish they had asked more questions or something.

greenearthal 10-16-2009 03:05 AM

Awesome! Congratulations.

LovingRadiance 10-16-2009 03:34 AM

That's awesome Quad! Congratulations for being able to release that sense of frustration over "living a lie". I know well how frustrating that can be.

Personally I haven't officially come out to my family. My sister lives with us though-I have NO DOUBT she is WELL AWARE. Hell-she's well aware when I pee and she's not even here! We're just close that way.
I KNOW my parents don't give a rip. They love all the parties involved and it won't matter.
Maca has concerns, I think part of it might be pride. I think maybe he's afraid that if everyone knows I have a boyfriend as well (we're in a V currently) then they will think he's less of a man or something. Of course that's damn near to exactly backwards-MY family at least will think he's more of a man for acknowledging and admitting that he loves me enough to be what I need him to be for me without trying to pretend that he's everything which is something my whole family deems impossible for any ONE person to be (everything for another).

ANYWAY-I'm so happy for you being able to be honest and open and feel good about being so.
Hopefully they will continue to grow and learn as well and find themselves more comfortable with knowing that you are happy as you are now!

ramfish 10-16-2009 04:04 AM

Wow congrats for being so brave. As far as them not really saying much...or asking questions; they might just need some time to digest it. Even if they were suspicious having things confirmed still changes things.

good luck!

redpepper 10-16-2009 06:32 AM


Originally Posted by ourquad (Post 9097)
I have been feeling like I was living a lie with them and I just couldn't keep doing that since honesty is so important to me.

This is how I felt before we came out two months ago. It feels so good to not have to be living like that. It went against everything in me.

I'm not sure if I should congratulate you or not. I wish I was at that point where I could see clearly the benefit to family knowing, but I have put them through so much pain and concern in two months that I am just not there yet. You have had three years to come to this and I think you were very wise. If my parents didn't live just down the street I think we would of been wise to wait that long also.

Good luck my friend. Coming out has rocked our boat severely and has made us doubt what we are doing. I grasp on to how I felt before and try to remember that it's temporary and we will get back to that. I know that the love is still there! Thank goodness we had a glimpse of that or who knows what would happen.

I sincerely hope that it all goes really well and in no time they are easy with it and have ut their concerns aside...

ourquad 10-16-2009 09:40 PM

Thank you so much for all your encouragement. I try to remember that I live this life and it took me a while to get my head around it as well.

Redpepper, I hope your family comes around to at least not causing the three of you to doubt yourselves soon. It was an advantage that all my family lives out of state except one sister. We live in the same small town as Gator's family but I can never see us telling them. If they ask, of course we will not lie. They do know them as our friends. And I think they suspect because they have asked that we not bring them to family events any more. Not usually something we even have the opportunity to do any way but it means we miss some of the family get togethers that we would otherwise try to go to. And I can't say we are treated differently than Gator's gay brother. They do not want any partner he has to come to them either. He, however, doesn't live here and isn't expected at as many events as we are.

Tech and Kitten are such big parts of our lives in feelings, if not appearance due to distance, that we just do not like (and are not comfortable with) hiding what they are to us.

One step at a time is all I can say.

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