Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   Wife threatened divorce (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=956)

DarkHorseJ27 10-14-2009 05:56 PM

Wife threatened divorce
I had got home from work after a long day. I go to give my wife and hug and a kiss and she seems distant and aloof. I ask her what the matter is, and she doesn't really give me an answer. But I know something is wrong. I forget what I did, but it was something small that set her off and she starts yelling at me.

I'm not going to list every single thing that was said, but she accused me of being controlling, that I make her do things she doesn't want to do and don't let her do things she does want to do. I asked her to elaborate, and she said I tell her who she can and can't talk too, and that I make her talk about her problems.

I never told her who she could or couldn't talk to. Two weeks earlier she was talking to one of her male friends. He thinks I'm an asshole that doesn't deserve her, and he always acts like her boyfriend, and she gets upset when he does that because she isn't interested in him that way. She was complaining to me about it and I said if he is making you upset why do you continue to talk to him while he's making you upset? Just stop the conversation until he stops. She took this to mean that she couldn't talk to him at all, and she let this simmer for two weeks without mentioning anything to me. I even let her talk to the people she cheated on me with, so why would I say no to him?

I do try to get her to communicate, because otherwise she'll just keep everything on the inside, and often thinking the wrong thing as the last paragraph shows, until she blows up. Lack of communication on her part is a big part of the reason she cheated, and she had a head of untrue ideas I had no idea about. I told her if she is in a relationship then she has an obligation to communicate whether she really feels like it or not. She then responded she didn't want to be in a relationship then, and gave back the ring.

At that I got really upset, and asked why she would do this after I forgave her and took her back after she cheated with several men. Her response was, "You cheated first." I have never had sex with anyone but her my whole life. After everything I've done for her she still thinks I was unfaithful. I've done everything short of taking a polygraph to prove I haven't cheated

After she calmed down she was much better, and took back her threat of divorce. But I asked her if she meant it, and she said she did when she was angry. She threatened divorce over a problem that only existed in her head after two weeks.

Fidelia 10-14-2009 06:24 PM

Wow, BrotherMan, Doesn't sound like much fun on the homefront. Bummer. :(

It sounds to me like your wife really needs to work on the communication skills. And it IS a skillset, you know. Some people come by it naturally or were fortunate enough to learn them from our parents as children, but many or most of us have to really work at it. (Myself no less than any other.)

I'd like to make one observation, concerning this business of her being evasive when you can tell something is obviously wrong and are trying to open the lines of communication, then exploding over something small. That's bullshit. Unacceptable. I suspect there's something else going on there.

Im not going to say anything else, because I have strong feelings on this type of situation, where infidelity (aka disloyalty) is involved. But I still wish you both the best possible outcome, whatever that may be.

NeonKaos 10-14-2009 06:40 PM

Is she on any medication? Because if she is, she might need to see her doctor to have it adjusted. If she is not, maybe she should see a doctor and get some.

Having said that, it sounds like you're a wonderful guy who is trying to do the right thing, and she is a total attention-seeking histrionic bitch. It would be great to hear her side of the story first-hand and even Miranda's side of the story first-hand.

MonoVCPHG 10-14-2009 07:24 PM


Originally Posted by DarkHorseJ27 (Post 8964)
Two weeks earlier she was talking to one of her male friends. He thinks I'm an asshole that doesn't deserve her, and he always acts like her boyfriend, and she gets upset when he does that because she isn't interested in him that way. She was complaining to me about it and I said if he is making you upset why do you continue to talk to him while he's making you upset? .

In flashing lights..WARNING!! Why would the woman who loves you put up with such disrespect towards you? Why would she even talk with this "asshole"?! I would definitely not be as patient a man as you are in this. If I were to say anything like that about Redpepper's husband, she'd put my ass out on the curb and I would deserve it!

Something is missing here :confused:
She sounds scared...

LovingRadiance 10-14-2009 09:14 PM

So many little red flags are popping up I don't even know where to start.

I have to say seeing a doctor is in order if only to get a recommendation for a good psychiatrist.

Many medical conditions can cause major mood swings and attitude problems. But even without medical conditions-those issues are huge for HER life. She's OBVIOUSLY miserable about SOMETHING and needs help learning how to properly deal with it.

Not that I am minimizing the effect of her actions on you-just think it helps to see that it's also hurting her.

I'm sorry to hear such a sad story about your life. Let us know if you manage to get her to go to the doc. That seems like a great first step.

DarkHorseJ27 10-14-2009 09:53 PM

She is not on any medications.

She has told the guy she has been talking to not to say bad things about me. He stops for a little bit, but then starts again. The only thing she can really threaten is to stop talking to him temporarily, but she has a hard time holding herself to that.

This whole issue is pre-Miranda, and she wasn't around for this fight, thank goodness.

More happened today after I posted this, and what had happened was just the tip of the iceberg. I don't have time to post it all now, but I will when I have time.

LovingRadiance 10-14-2009 09:57 PM

When you do have time-please let us know what the possibility is of seeing a doc. I am very interested in the fact that her attitude seem to be so strong.

I'm not so concerned (personally) about the other guy. Some of the best people in the world don't like each other-and I get that. But her attitude seems off based on your post.

dingding 10-15-2009 08:41 AM

in my country when woman do that they cannot get what they want,bored should not be a reason to divorce.,hope she rethink her demands,it just bad once it has children on the family

foxflame88 10-15-2009 11:39 AM

Wow, it definately sounds like she needs at the very least to work on her communication skills. I too am seeing red flags. Good luck.

AutumnalTone 10-15-2009 08:07 PM

Wow. From here, it appears that her bucket o' crazy is overflowing. I'm not saying that to be mean, but to point out that she appears in need of treatment for personal issues that cause relationship issues for her.

I have a bipolar ex-wife. She didn't seek treatment until after we split, and then she apologized to me at that time.

Curly is also bipolar. She figured out she needed treatment prior to me calling it quits and we've had few problems since.

And I have OCD, which causes occasional problems. Knowing what kind of crazy is in your bucket helps a great deal in keeping it from slopping out on other people.

All times are GMT. The time now is 05:38 AM.