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-   -   can only be with a man if I have a woman as well (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9506)

curiouslez 05-03-2011 07:54 AM

can only be with a man if I have a woman as well
 
Now, I know this post may seem confusing considering my nick is curiousLEZ. Here's the deal, I've always connected with women more but always have been attracted to guys. I've *always* loved the idea of having both a woman and man in my life and that all three of us value eachother equally.

Is it wrong or unfair to say that I can only be with a guy if he and I also have a woman in my/our life at the same time??

NeonKaos 05-03-2011 12:37 PM

It probably is unfair to the guy if your relationship with him depends on both of your relationship with the same woman. I think it put the guy in the position of being an "accessory" to your "real" relationship. Unless you're talking about finding a guy just for that reason - to have sex with, but not to be your "boyfriend". In that case, it would probably work and you should have problem finding plenty of guys who will want to join you.

redpepper 05-03-2011 02:41 PM

Fair? I'm not sure about that but I do know that women have a much easier time of finding partners and from what I've heard on here in the past two years, what you propose can lead to competition, resentment and much more focus on the getting of a partner than the development of a loving relationship. Also, a new person to a dynamic already established can rock the boat enough, but two at the same time can blow it apart. Imagine all that NRE?! Lastly, love does what it wants. What if one of you falls in love while thee other doesn't have anyone? What then? You'll make sure to not go there? How is that fair? The whole point for me is to let it happen as it will. Find love wheree it comes to me and explore every emotion and belief I have about relationships and myself on the way. Yup, I'm not suggesting you go the route of the two of you only being allowed to have a partner if its at the same time. :)

MrFarFromRight 05-03-2011 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by curiouslez (Post 79706)
Is it wrong or unfair to say that I can only be with a guy if he and I also have a woman in my/our life at the same time??

It sounds to me as if you're defining yourself as a lesbian, and think that you'd be "letting the side down" if you were to have a hetero relationship without being attached to a woman at the same time. Have I read that all wrong, or what?

If I got it half-way right, here're my response: Be fair to yourself, define yourself as a human being, fall in love with / have a relationship with whomever (and however many) you want... and be happy:):):)!

magikman79 05-03-2011 10:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by curiouslez (Post 79706)
Now, I know this post may seem confusing considering my nick is curiousLEZ. Here's the deal, I've always connected with women more but always have been attracted to guys. I've *always* loved the idea of having both a woman and man in my life and that all three of us value eachother equally.

Is it wrong or unfair to say that I can only be with a guy if he and I also have a woman in my/our life at the same time??

I don't think it's wrong, it's important to let everyone know what you want before anything begins

TL4everu2 05-03-2011 11:34 PM

That almost sounds like my wife and my last girlfriend. She lived as a lesbian (our girlfriend) for about 4 years, and was actually living with a woman. They even did a commitment ceremony. Then, they split up for some odd reason. Well, our GF met up with us and claimed to WANT to live and have a relationship with a couple. It didn't work with us, but we hoped the best for her. We liked her, but she had some....issues.

Magdlyn 05-04-2011 12:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by curiouslez (Post 79706)
Now, I know this post may seem confusing considering my nick is curiousLEZ. Here's the deal, I've always connected with women more but always have been attracted to guys. I've *always* loved the idea of having both a woman and man in my life and that all three of us value each other equally.

Nice dream, while idealistic. Do you mean you wish all 3 of you could have sex/romance together equally, (FMF), or do you wish for a V, where you're having sex with both the guy and woman, but they don't necessarily have sex with each other (instead, are just friends, or "metamours")?

Quote:

Is it wrong or unfair to say that I can only be with a guy if he and I also have a woman in my/our life at the same time??
Well, take what the universe gave you. Say you had a male and a female lover, and then the woman and you broke up. Why would you give up a perfectly good bf just because the woman left you (you plural or singular)?

BlackUnicorn 05-04-2011 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by curiouslez (Post 79706)
Now, I know this post may seem confusing considering my nick is curiousLEZ. Here's the deal, I've always connected with women more but always have been attracted to guys. I've *always* loved the idea of having both a woman and man in my life and that all three of us value eachother equally.

Is it wrong or unfair to say that I can only be with a guy if he and I also have a woman in my/our life at the same time??

It depends on how you define 'could'.

1) Could in that you need to have a woman in your life to spark that sexual interest/attraction to guys as well. If you are not with a woman, you don't want to be with a man either. You are just not that interested. In which case that is an orientation issue and has little to do with fairness. I was actually just today reading on bisexual (adjective) lesbians (noun) and if you have a severe case of Kinsey 4.5+, being with a man on a long-term exclusive basis might just not ring your bell strong enough.

2) Could in that you rather wouldn't for self-identification reasons but that there is nothing stopping you otherwise. In which case, you might benefit from self-educating on bisexuality and letting go of some of that anxiety.

Long story short - if you are honest from the get go that your attraction to men isn't very strong and you are new to this, why not? Trying for a poly-fi long-term triad with those parameters probably isn't the most viable move, but what about adding a guy to your intimate network on a more casual basis to start out with.

I personally wouldn't mind helping a bi-curious guy or girl explore their interests, provided everyone agreed to it beforehand and new what they were getting into.


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