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-   -   Community input, please (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=950)

seepage43 10-13-2009 10:15 PM

Community input, please
 
I'm brand new here and have only had a relatively small amount of experience in polyamorous relationships (My bi girlfriend in college and I dated a third girl seriously and another casually for several months with no problems), so I was hoping for some feedback from this community on my disposition and how common it is among polyamorous types.

I really enjoyed the relationship I was in in college, especially the emotional aspect of sharing your love for someone with others you love; it's nice to have a bigger team, so to speak. I have two concerns though.

My first concern is that I can't handle cheating, but let me define the word as it applies to me. I don't mind if a girlfriend hooks up with a girl, whether I'm there or not, even whether I know her or not; I can never be a girl for her, so why would I be upset when she want's a girl? I definitely would not be ok if any girl I was with were to sleep with a random guy, as I can be a guy for her and she's choosing him over me, so to speak.

My second concern is in regards to guys. As I suggested above, I'm straight and tend to be jealous. That being said, if I knew, liked and trusted the guy and knew that everyone involved cared for each other, I wouldn't mind sharing emotionally and physically and believe I'd have no problem forming a close emotional bond as well with him, though very different in nature than with the girls (something more akin to brotherhood). I wouldn't be ok with a girl dating another guy separately from me (or us, as the case may be).

So my questions are:

Is it common to have a polyamorous relationship develop as a single group where members only sleep with each other (i.e. it'd be cheating to sleep outside the group without permission)?

Given my attitude toward guys, I seem to have a chicken and egg problem: How could a guy be brought into the group when I think I'd only be ok with the girls attention toward him if he were already part of the group?

Thanks so much, I'm sure you can understand it's a bit to work on internally :-)

LovingRadiance 10-13-2009 10:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seepage43 (Post 8872)
I'm brand new here and have only had a relatively small amount of experience in polyamorous relationships (My bi girlfriend in college and I dated a third girl seriously and another casually for several months with no problems), so I was hoping for some feedback from this community on my disposition and how common it is among polyamorous types.

I really enjoyed the relationship I was in in college, especially the emotional aspect of sharing your love for someone with others you love; it's nice to have a bigger team, so to speak. I have two concerns though.

My first concern is that I can't handle cheating, but let me define the word as it applies to me. I don't mind if a girlfriend hooks up with a girl, whether I'm there or not, even whether I know her or not; I can never be a girl for her, so why would I be upset when she want's a girl? I definitely would not be ok if any girl I was with were to sleep with a random guy, as I can be a guy for her and she's choosing him over me, so to speak.

My second concern is in regards to guys. As I suggested above, I'm straight and tend to be jealous. That being said, if I knew, liked and trusted the guy and knew that everyone involved cared for each other, I wouldn't mind sharing emotionally and physically and believe I'd have no problem forming a close emotional bond as well with him, though very different in nature than with the girls (something more akin to brotherhood). I wouldn't be ok with a girl dating another guy separately from me (or us, as the case may be).

So my questions are:

Is it common to have a polyamorous relationship develop as a single group where members only sleep with each other (i.e. it'd be cheating to sleep outside the group without permission)?

Given my attitude toward guys, I seem to have a chicken and egg problem: How could a guy be brought into the group when I think I'd only be ok with the girls attention toward him if he were already part of the group?

Thanks so much, I'm sure you can understand it's a bit to work on internally :-)

It is possible.... polyfidelious.. I think is the word, but don't flame me if it's spelled wrong! :eek:

Key points to me would be that you need to focus on building relationships all the way around AND you need to ensure that evryone is on the same page.
This means starting out completely honest of expectations from the outset.

For me and mine, I am madly in love with my husband and with our roommate who has been my best friend for 16 years. Both of them CAN be possessive, but C generally isn't (Maca is my husband). However, Maca quite certainly is.

It has taken gentleness and a lot of effort and work, and respect for boundaries and needs for time to get used to things for us to get where we are, which isn't very far! But it can be done and we are making lots of progress.

I would think that if you work on building great friendships with guys and girls who you introduce to one another and they become mutual friends ALL of this with an open and honest communication about your PERSONAL desires for the future, the rest will fall together in time. Maybe not YOUR prefered time, but in time.

seepage43 10-14-2009 12:16 AM

I guess my real problem is I don't know enough people into polyamory to know how common the different types of polyamorous relationships are or where most poly people fall on the spectrum of openess in their attitudes toward relationships. For example, I can't stand cheating but I'd be happy with a relatively large group so long as the members care for each other and are faithful; I have no idea how common that kind of disposition is, which is an important thing to find out as those are the types I'd probably want to be with.

HappiestManAlive 10-14-2009 12:50 AM

You and I are on the same page (43 is it?) completely. I am straight. I have dated more bi girls than straight ones over the years, and also never thought of them being with a woman as cheating (some of them did and were upset that I was okay with it - weird), but had jealousy/possesiveness issues when it came to other guys - "why do you eed/want him if you have me" stuff.

When my current longest term relationship started, I was mystified by her assertion that I could be with other women and it wasn't cheating in her book as long as I didn't leave her over it. I won't explain here, it took me months to get my head (mostly) around it (still not ALL the way there). I hated the hypocrisy that would be there if I "took her up on it" as I was not nearly as comfortable with her being with another man (which she didn't care about, since she doesn't want another man, only girls).

As I've watched our "unicorn" grow into our relationship, it's opened my eyes a little to the possibilitythat I could learn to respect my GF(s) having a romantic interest in another man, so long as it didn't detract from us - much as neither Violet or Anne cosider each other competition. It wouldn't be quite the same as they're both bi and very close to each other, but I can grasp it.

As for commonality of different arrangements - based on the boards here as a representitive sample - which may or may not be anywhere remotely near accurate - a "V" with one woman and two men seems to be the more common arrangement! Exclemation point for surprise, not objection, lol.

But there are other "V"s, triads, quads, and more here, some of them all of one gender, others 2+1 or 2+2 or 3+1 or more...

It's generally whatever works. As long as all partners are open and HONEST, anyting CAN work. :)

LovingRadiance 10-14-2009 04:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seepage43 (Post 8883)
I guess my real problem is I don't know enough people into polyamory to know how common the different types of polyamorous relationships are or where most poly people fall on the spectrum of openess in their attitudes toward relationships. For example, I can't stand cheating but I'd be happy with a relatively large group so long as the members care for each other and are faithful; I have no idea how common that kind of disposition is, which is an important thing to find out as those are the types I'd probably want to be with.

So why does it matter what is common? Sometimes uncommon is much better.
ALSO it's always better to be real with yourself and to be real about who you are with others no matter WHAT real actually is.

I feel similarly to you as well-though that isn't the type of dynamic I am in. I am in a V that will likely turn into a type of quad. I can't imagine Maca be interested in something like that and I'm ok not having it as well.

I think you should just work on being you-the real you and not worry so much about what is or isn't likely. If you had asked ANYONE who knew us a year ago if this situation in our life was likely they wouldn't have told you no, they would have told you NEVER. But here we are.


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