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-   -   This Unicorn has questions... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=948)

Lyric 10-13-2009 08:09 PM

This Unicorn has questions...
 
So I suppose to start at the beginning;
I have considered myself to be lesbian for years, with occasional drunken dalliances with men. In these last few years, however, I have been keeping myself out of relationships with either, due to unfaithfulness issues with my past partners (they liked to sleep with men, without asking/inviting me).

Keeping this in mind, I was not looking for anything real, just someone to play with perhaps. I have been told this is when 'IT' happens, and wow did it strike me funny.

C & N are the couple I have found myself entangled with on many an occasion for the past 5 months, & cannot imagine not having them in my life now. The relationship is more than physical, but it is new ground for all three of us. I suppose for definitions purpose, we are somewhere between a V and a Triad... The rules are still being laid out, for what is comfortable for all of us. They have just recently gotten married, and are both 8 years my junior. (yay for me)

With the love that we have for each other in mind, and the newness of this complex relationship we have going on, I would like any words of advice. There are fears I have of ruining their relationship, but I have been reassured that they are stable enough to work at this with me.

I know that communication is the number one thing, and we are constantly working at that. Advice? I really, really like this new feeling of completeness that I have with them. Are there groups out there that have been able to make it work? So much love... I'd hate to lose them. Thanks!

greenearthal 10-13-2009 09:48 PM

Advice?

Um, continue enjoying your days?

:)

LovingRadiance 10-13-2009 10:02 PM

Be honest-no matter what.

Share your feelings-generally speaking we aren't mind readers.

Be considerate of other people's mistakes and quick to forgive them for unintentional harm.

Be aware of your own mistakes and be quick to apologize for them.

Love freely with one another.

Let each person find their way. In your situation there is THEIR relationship, your relationship with HER, your relationship with HIM and the relationship the THREE of you share. YOU can not control the growth or demise of THEIR relationship. Likewise neither of them can control the growth or demise of your relationship with the other, but all three of you MUST work together to SUPPORT each others relationships and all three of you MUST work together to support and grow within the relationship of the three of you.

HappiestManAlive 10-13-2009 10:38 PM

^what they said.

Our triad is still quite new, but has been moving along very, very quickly. We constantly have to pause when there's a hiccup and say - oh wait, it's not even two months yet, of course there'll be issues here & there, lol. So in some regards, I guess we could ask YOU for advice if your relationship is 5 months old! :-p

I am curious what you mean about "somewhere between a V and a Triad"? I surmise from your post that you and she are closer than you and he, this being the "almost open" end that makes it "kind of" a V? Please correct me if I'm wrong, just wondering what the dynamics are there.

In my reading around here and elsewhere, I see that some relationships, be they V or triad or whatever, work on a "primary" and "secondary" model, others on an "equality" model, with some variations. Figuring out this dynamic seems to be the niggest hangup in most of these situations.

COMMUNICATE. AT ALL COSTS. DO NOT LIE TO EACH OTHER OR YOURSELVES. That's it, that's all. The unsaid is the one thing that kills off well-intentioned poly relationships faster than anything. Or "normal" ones for that matter - but poly relationships, while stronger in some ways, are far less resilient to poor communication or bottled up feelings.

foxflame88 10-15-2009 12:10 PM

I can't add anything to what the previous posters have said... I agree with them! Welcome to the forum.

Lyric 10-15-2009 06:26 PM

Thank you all for those that responded; i know my post isn't near as spicy as some, but honest regardless. My couple are on their honeymoon this week, and I've been getting fidgety waiting for them to come home; insecurities of my own, as they have been communicative with me this whole time. I've been reading through the applicable posts on here, and have found it very educational, and it has helped me to find a new approach for this new relationship I'm finding myself in. I am incredibly happy to have found this site; Cheers!

AutumnalTone 10-15-2009 08:23 PM

Just a minor nit--if you weren't actively looking to get involved with a couple, you don't make unicorn status. Sorry. Falling in with one without actively seeking it is the typical fashion triads arise and don't involve mythical animals. So you can be a fairy princess or something more interesting than a unicorn!

Beyond that...what they said. Keep talking. If something hurts, poke at it and describe it in great detail, then you all can figure out what to do about it.

kajira 10-15-2009 10:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 8871)
Be honest-no matter what.

Share your feelings-generally speaking we aren't mind readers.

Be considerate of other people's mistakes and quick to forgive them for unintentional harm.

Be aware of your own mistakes and be quick to apologize for them.

Love freely with one another.

Let each person find their way. In your situation there is THEIR relationship, your relationship with HER, your relationship with HIM and the relationship the THREE of you share. YOU can not control the growth or demise of THEIR relationship. Likewise neither of them can control the growth or demise of your relationship with the other, but all three of you MUST work together to SUPPORT each others relationships and all three of you MUST work together to support and grow within the relationship of the three of you.

Thank you for stating this....I thought I was asking too much! I have always held open honest communication to be the #1 way to make a relationship work...no matter what kind of relationship it is. But, with three people, it is of the UTMOST importance.
These are great guidelines!

LovingRadiance 10-16-2009 12:11 AM

Don't thank me! All I did was take everyone else's advice from the threads I've been reading and summarize it for ya! ;)

There really is a wealth of information in here and with the people here. Very kind hearted souls with great big hearts. I've never in my life felt so accepted. Even though how I came to a poly relationship is against what nearly the whole population on here finds acceptable (even me) they still opened themselves to me to give kindhearted advice without cruelty or severe criticism and it's greatly appreciated.

I think you will find you make friends hanging out here-I certainly am. :)

kajira 10-16-2009 12:22 AM

....
 
Thank you for saying that, LovingRadiance....If there is one thing that i could use right now, it is friends in this lifestyle.
i am so glad that i found this place, like others. I consider it a gift from the Universe.


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