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lola 10-13-2009 03:02 PM

Beginning my Poly life
Hi all. I've only realized that I am Poly in the last couple of years. Now, I'm beginning a possible poly journey. Married to my Mono husband who is allowing me this venture. He has his bad days, which seem to spark severe guilt in me.

I actually was searching here looking for discussions about guilt. It seems easy to say "don't live it" but not so easy to figure out how to not take it upon one's self.

I realized that part of why I feel such guilt is because I don't understand myself and what it means to be Poly. I am not choosing this, even tho' I am choosing to live it now...I am poly. I am made this way. But, being raised in our mono world, I do find that I get trapped by my own self criticism.

I'm hoping by having other poly folks to talk to that I will start to get more comfortable in this skin and realize that I needn't feel guilty for what I am.


AutumnalTone 10-13-2009 04:06 PM

Welcome to the boards.

I'm at a loss as to how to help right now. It's been so long since I dealt with that sort of guilt that I suspect it'll take a while to recall how I worked through it--what worked for me and what didn't. Somebody else is likely to have more recent experience to share, though.

I'll suggest starting a discussion on the New to Poly board about this.

lola 10-13-2009 04:23 PM

Thank you for the reply. Congrats on having a long and successful poly journey. ;)

LovingRadiance 10-13-2009 05:25 PM

I understand what you are saying-still going through the same things here.
I'm finding that just getting to know people here on the board helps A LOT. Read read read! ;)

lola 10-13-2009 06:24 PM

Thank you. Glad to hear there is help to be had. :)

HappiestManAlive 10-13-2009 07:52 PM


Guilt... Is like jealousy. Neither one is real, they are both symptoms of an underlying issue asking for resolution. It's strange how hard that is to grasp at first, and how AMAZINGLY easy it is to practive once you decide to be honest with yourself. When you feel guilty, ask yourself WHY, and LISTEN to your own answer. It probably won't be something you want to hear, or that will be easy to hear. If it was, you wouldn't have left it unaddressed in the first place!!! ;-)

MonoVCPHG 10-13-2009 08:08 PM


Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive (Post 8848)

Guilt... Is like jealousy. Neither one is real,

I totally get the intention of your reply HMA and I mean no disrespect, but I have no idea how you dismiss the existance of two human emotions so easily. If they weren't real we wouldn't be talking about them or pay people to help us deal with them in some cases. That's like saying Love and hate aren't real? I'm honestly puzzled.

Great advice about getting to the issues though.

HappiestManAlive 10-14-2009 12:39 AM


Great advice about getting to the issues though.
Exactly that. Many human emotions are reactionary - they are "real", but they are masking the "real" issue. Guilt and jealousy are way up there on this pile.

lola 10-14-2009 12:58 PM

Jealousy, I have learned, is spawned from that fear of losing something, of not getting what you need or want...very basic description...but what is Guilt born of? More fear, obviously, but of what? Is it also linked to loss? Fear that you will lose the object of your guilt?

Much worth pondering, thank you all, but there are so many possibilities. I've seen plenty on jealousy, but not so much on guilt.

Tech 10-14-2009 04:57 PM

First: Welcome!

Interesting discussion already Iola. :)
Jealousy & Guilt...ah yes.
Not that I'm any kind of expert...well maybe in the jealousy department, haha.

I am the husband of a poly girl who has very recently started a relationship with a really great man. She feels lots of guilt. I think guilt stems from perceived disappointment you feel others will have towards your actions. Or at least that's been our experience.

When the three of us (our V) are alone, we're perfectly content, but when we start thinking of our families, our "moral upbringings", etc we start having doubts and feeling guilt about "what are getting ourselves into", "what will people think", etc.

I'm sure my wife (Gem) would have better feedback to give, hopefully she can put in her 2 cents.

Again, welcome to the boards and good luck on your own adventures!

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