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-   -   First Poly Relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9428)

SirsShelle 04-30-2011 10:11 PM

First Poly Relationship
 
Hi. I posted in the introductory thread, but I thought I'd try it here as well. I'm currently a secondary partner in a poly, bdsm relationship. My primary and I both hope that at some point I'm his primary as well. He does have a live-in primary now. I'm struggling a bit with the weekly or bi-weekly meetings and his schedule having such little space. I was hoping to reach out and communicate with others who have the same issues, fears, and insecurities or others who have learned ways to cope with those!

redpepper 05-01-2011 12:37 AM

Unfortunately time management is an issue in poly relationships. There isn't much to do but get on with your own stuff and make sure you have regualr time together. If they live together then it just stands to reason they would be around each other more. Thing is, you get to be the fun stuff in life. They deal with bills, cleaning etc and you get to be the play and fun ( depending on what your BDSM dynamic is of course). Realaly though its a matter of being occupied in your life and available when they are.

Ariakas 05-01-2011 12:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SirsShelle (Post 79397)
Hi. I posted in the introductory thread, but I thought I'd try it here as well. I'm currently a secondary partner in a poly, bdsm relationship. My primary and I both hope that at some point I'm his primary as well. He does have a live-in primary now. I'm struggling a bit with the weekly or bi-weekly meetings and his schedule having such little space. I was hoping to reach out and communicate with others who have the same issues, fears, and insecurities or others who have learned ways to cope with those!

Time management is a tough thing to navigate. Feeling wanted or needed is really the key. Do you feel like they want you in their life etc. If you feel that, then limited time can be mitigated. Little things help, but you have to decide what you want, and what they can offer. Loving texts, nice emails, sexual emails.. etc. All things make you feel included and loved.

To time itself, well thats something you might have to get used to. Your partner has a primary, thats a lot of time. I don't... and sorry RP I know you have two, I can't fathom having two primaries. The time would be badly split between the two people. I just don't see how it would be possible.

So ways to cope, find a hobby outside the relationship. Do you have friends etc outside the social spectrum of the relationships itself. It all helps to keep your mind occupied while you cant spend time with the person you love.

good luck

Ari

redpepper 05-01-2011 04:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 79415)
and sorry RP I know you have two, I can't fathom having two primaries. The time would be badly split between the two people. I just don't see how it would be possible.

So ways to cope, find a hobby outside the relationship.

Well you just answered it here... find hobbies, do stuff, be active in your life. have a life outside of your relationships; as I said earlier...

I underlined "badly" because there is absolutely nothing "bad" about it. I'm kind of am insulted by that actually, but maybe I am taking it on as a judgement? :( It makes me think that in some way I am falling short of spending time with my two live in partners, which is entirely not the case.

PN right now is writing. He has been given the opportunity to achieve his goal of being a writer because I am occupied elsewhere some of the time. Before Mono came into our lives I was always around and he was not able to concentrate. I was looking for attention and to do stuff that he is uninterested in doing at the best of times, let alone regularly.

Now he writes and I am well entertained. He has his life, I have mine and we do it walking side by side. Don't get me wrong, we spend time together, its the same amount as before actually. Just divided differently and with a different attitude about how we spend time together.

Mono stays up late, as do I. He spends his time alone quite often as he likes that. He likes to ride and visit friends that don't want to know me and I then have time to spend with PN and LB (our son). Yup, nothing bad about it.

The difference I think is that there is no expectation that we all hang out together when we would rather be doing our own thing... no co-dependence and traditional assumptions that as a married couple we should spend every moment together. We are all in this because it works. If it wasn't working and we didn't enjoy our independence, we wouldn't be in a functional poly relationship and would be theorists instead.

There is nothing wrong with liking the idea of poly but not being able to create certain aspects of it or any of it for that matter. The idea is to create what works and adjust to what is offered... if adjusting is not working or too hard and creating what works is not working, then look for a partner that will spend the time you want to spend with someone and move on...

Ariakas 05-01-2011 04:26 AM

I did mean for me ;)...

I would do the time management thing badly ;)

I wasnt trying to project that on you :)

redpepper 05-01-2011 04:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 79442)
I did mean for me ;)...

I would do the time management thing badly ;)

I wasnt trying to project that on you :)

K, :)


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