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-   -   Informing myself (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=942)

locks 10-12-2009 11:20 PM

Informing myself
I am 25, male, and I have always been a monogamous person and never really considered anything else, but..

Recently I expressed my feelings towards a woman who I have known for a while and fallen for, and to my delight she responded with the same feelings, we talked and did the normal thing. During this she defined herself as polyamorous and asked if I had any problem with that... I told her the truth, which is that I honestly don't know how I would react to her seeing someone else, as like I said I have always been monogamous.

I don't want to hurt her, or get hurt myself... but I feel as though by committing I would be setting her or myself up for some unwanted feelings down the road. I like to think I am a very open and accepting person, but this has me conflicted.

I am not sure how the relationship would be structured, what her expectations of me would be, what mine would be of her.. I am just confused.

It will be a short time before I can see her, so I have decided to take the time to inform myself of what to expect and gather some knowledge so I can communicate with her effectively on the topic.

I guess what I am trying to ask myself is, can a relationship where one person is polyamorous and the other monogamous work?

Could anyone possibly shed some light on the topic?
Experiences, thoughts, or otherwise?

MonoVCPHG 10-12-2009 11:40 PM


Originally Posted by locks (Post 8775)
I guess what I am trying to ask myself is, can a relationship where one person is polyamorous and the other monogamous work?

Here it comes...yes it can. :) It does for me and I love my Poly Redpepper more than anyone I could ever imagine.

Would I recommend it for either of your sakes?..... No way. Not if you are wired monogamous and she is polyamorous.

Picture spending your dream night with her in detail, intimate detail, inject sounds, whispers, moans and groans, kisses and caressses....now picture her spending that night with another guy or guys as well, in just as much detail.....if you can get past this thought than maybe your up to it...if not..you're going to lose your mind.

Read my posts..theres one or two on here LOL!


vandalin 10-13-2009 01:09 AM


Originally Posted by locks (Post 8775)
I am not sure how the relationship would be structured, what her expectations of me would be, what mine would be of her.. I am just confused.

As Mono said, it is possible. If you decide to try, the above questions would need to be addressed. Ask her. Talk to her about it. Don't completely shut her out of your decision but the decision does have to be yours.

I wish you luck, and minimal pain.

And welcome to the forums.

greenearthal 10-13-2009 01:52 AM

I was in a position similar to yours once. I met an absolutely amazing woman, who was perfect in every way except that she was polyamorous. I decided that we could just be friends. And then I fell in love with her. And then I began to hope that she would "grow out of it". And that didn't happen. So I decided that I would let our relationship "run its course" and we could untangle ourselves when I finally found my perfect monogamous match. And a lot of time passed. And there was a lot of hardship. A lot. And her being polyamorous and me being monogamous was driving me completely inside out. So I decided that I was going to try to be polyamorous. And then I was polyamorous for a VERY long time with only one girlfriend. That didn't drive me quite so crazy but was not what I would describe as fun. Then extremely suddenly I was in love with two women at the same time who were both in love with me and I began to be unable to imagine myself any other way than polyamorous. Then many terrible things happened and I find myself now single and polyamorous. Which is also kind of not fun. But in the end I can only describe it as having been worth it. Best years of my life without a doubt. I feel like I am a much stronger person and get to do things that I never, ever, ever would have been able to do had I not taken a chance on that relationship.

So, if after all of that, my suggestion still means anything to you, I suggest that you close your eyes and listen to your own council. Think of her, and if she is really as wonderful as all that, then take a chance. Life can lead you to some amazing places. If she's not as wonderful as all that, maybe consider running like hell. Polyamory can hurt. Bad.

locks 10-13-2009 02:58 AM

Thanks for the replies, it's appreciated.

I will of course be talking more with her about this, I just thought it best to get some information on my own to begin with.

As things stand right now, I do think she is worth it... I am not sure if that is the logical me or the "love" me talking, though. The feelings are real, I know that much.

As for trying to be polyamorous.. I'm not sure that is me, but having not experienced it I wouldn't completely rule it out, just mostly.

And thanks for the welcome.

I will be doing some thinking and talking, for sure.

MonoVCPHG 10-13-2009 03:10 AM

Doing what feels right to you is the best path my friend. Follow your own instincts.

Take care

greenearthal 10-13-2009 03:19 AM

I posted a thread here a while back fishing for anyone with a similar experience to mine and didn't come up with anything. People on this forum talk about being "wired poly" or "wired mono" quite frequently. Well, I was DEFINITELY "wired" mono, but presently feel like I could never be happy go back to being monogamous again.

I was extremely content as a monogamous person, I had very very strong romantic notions about happily ever after with the one perfect person for me. I was into my 30s and had never cheated on anyone, and found myself easily able to focus all of my attention on one woman. And absolutely everything about monogamy made sense to me at the point when I met H.

And then she was polyamorous. And then all of these cool people she knew were polyamorous. And they seemed like they were having so much fun and I wasn't. And I just fell so deep in love with her that I was willing to consider any crazy idea that might let us be together forever. And this little nagging voice started suggesting that I maybe give it a try. And that snowball started picking up momentum, and more momentum, until I find myself at a point where I can remember how fiercely monogamous I used to be, but I can't really relate to why I used to be that way. It feels like a lifetime ago even though it's only been about 6 years.

Anyway... monogamous and polyamorous are two absolutely beautiful ways to be a human being. I know in my bones that under the right circumstances relationships between monogamous and polyamorous people can be as beautiful and long-lived as any other, and I wish you all the best on your journey however your relationship unfolds.

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