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-   -   I screwed up big time (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=939)

Karelia 10-12-2009 09:55 PM

I screwed up big time
All of my insecurites came to a head last week and I read personal conversations between my husband and our girlfriend. I violated their trust and betrayed them both.

She figured it out and confronted me, b ut had already decided she wasn't mad - as long as I admitted what I'd done. I did admit it when confronted.

She told me she wouldn't tell my husband, but she knew I would. I had to. I almost told them both last w

I thought about telling them both last week, but I'd already realized what a rat I'd been and wasn't gonna do it again... and I realized nothing good would come from telling them except easing my own guilt.

Well, now he's not even speaking to me. I have struggled a lot with insecurity issues recently, and particularly because I feel like the main relationship - the triad - is slowing dying. I am not capable of handling this poly thing if that main relationship becomes platonic. We haven't all had sex together in over a month, but we have all had sex with each other independently. We've barely been able to spend any time together because our gf got a shitty new work schedule, and worse, she's been sleeping through what time we DO have because she's dealing with a lot of stress and depression and feels awful and inferior.

She is not mad at me. She's hurt and surprised and feels like I violated her privacy - which I did - but she also understands what motivated it, and she says everyone makes mistakes.

My husband is a major trust fanatic. He will not even speak to me right now, not that I blame him... and he's really upset over all of this. I am not sure I will EVER get his trust back, and I know what I did was unforgivable.

I'm so afraid of losing them both, but then I go and do something unbelievably stupd to make it seem like maybe I don't deserve them. Something, that frankly, puts me more at risk of losing them both.


I KNOW how wrong and stupid this was. It's also incredibly uncharacteristic of me.

I hate myself right now. I really just do.:(

MonoVCPHG 10-12-2009 10:00 PM

Sorry to hear this. Hopefully you will be able to learn from this and remember what it feels like to betray them in this way. Hopefully they will get over it and your triad will be strenghtened by all of the new understanding that will be generated by this.

LovingRadiance 10-13-2009 04:09 AM

Honey-hating yourself won't fix anything. When trust is broken in anyway it has to be rebuilt. Some people "heal" easier than others, sounds like she is one who does-and he is one who doesn't.
Tell him you are sincerely apologetic.
Assure him you have learned from your mistake.
Prove it-but doing it.
THEN it's really time to talk about those fears you mentioned in your post with both of them so that you can work through them.

Good luck!

Karelia 10-13-2009 06:50 AM

Thanks. I am very good at self-loathing, and feel so awful right now. I can't believe I did this to him, to either of them...

I feel emotionally torn to shreds. I hate hurting them. I hate letting him down.

AutumnalTone 10-13-2009 03:50 PM

Ouch! Sweet lady, after falling down, we can only stand back up and begin walking anew. We can try to clean up our messes as best we can and make amends where possible. I suspect this will take a bit of time to clean up--and kicking yourself in the gut every step of the way won't help in the slightest.

Karelia 10-14-2009 05:46 AM

My husband and I talked. He was concerned and surprised because this was behavior very atypical for me. He was also hurt and betrayed.

But he doesn't want out of our marriage. We were talking about where to go from here, and I said that I could leave, we could accept that we both made mistakes (because in reading I discovered that he was less than honest with me about a specific situation) and try to move on from them... he said we could also "treat the disease and not the symptom," meaning breaking up with her. Neither of us want that, but it may ultimately happen for unrelated reasons.

He said me leaving or him leaving was unacceptable. He said his problems with her are far, far greater than the one he and I have now. He doesn't think they'd make it without me anyway, and interestingly enough, she said the same thing to me yesterday.

He's not being distant and he's hugging and touching me as much as ever. I am greatly relieved because he IS capable of holding a major grudge. I think he realizes that I know how badly I screwed up.

Tech 10-14-2009 05:21 PM

Sounds like you two (three?) talking is EXACTLY what you need right now.

As long as they have forgiven you, and you know what you've done wrong, stop beating yourself up (I know, I know, easier said than done). But really, learn from this, be a better person for it. I know how curiosity can get the better of you, especially when a third person is involved. Open information is critical to relationships, and if he was hiding something from you, in a small way it is good if you discovered it, but the method used was the wrong one. If you suspected him, you should've discussed it with him to allow him to confess.

Hopefully your relationship(s) can mend and find their way to happier days. :)

sweetie 10-15-2009 01:06 AM

I could be totally off base here, but I just wanted to throw something out there. Having done something so out of the ordinary for you, (as attested by yourself, your husband, and g/f), is it possible you self-sabotaged?

Feeling that your triad was slowly coming to an end, is it possible you were trying to speed up the process so that the unknown could become open and known to all three of you ? That the pain could somehow be lessened by not having to wait for what you thought was going to be the inevitable outcome?

Having read your posts, you are obviously as honest as you know how to be with your feelings, thoughts, and emotions. To do something that goes against all that you believe and having to admit to it, could just be a way of taking it on yourself, and leaving your partners to take a lesser role in what you thought what was the possible end of your relationship. You did what they couldn't, but didn't know the best way to do it, so did it the only way you knew could break trust.

It allowed what needed to be discussed, disscussed. Forgive me if I'm totally on the wrong page. I just thought it might be something to think about.

foxflame88 10-15-2009 11:54 AM

You are on the right track to mending.... keep talking! My guess is that you felt a lack of communication somewhere, so you snooped to find out what you weren't hearing. I hope the three of you can now keep the lines of communication open and heal and grow your relationship. Good luck.

Karelia 10-15-2009 01:57 PM

Sweetie - you are definitely not off base, and I've wondered most of what you suggested myself. I do think it's possible that part of me may have been trying to demonstrate I don't deserve their love.

My best friend put it very succinctly: "You're nosy and insecure."

That combo is what led to this...

But he and I are doing fine now. I think that he understands this was an anomaly for me, and knows I am truly remorseful. We'll see...

Part of the problem lies in behaviors both of us are seeing in her that have us questioning the long term stability of this triad. We talked at length about it last night (she was at work) and plan to give it a week (she's been sick) to see how things go...

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