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-   -   Aeon and on (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9387)

Aeon 04-30-2011 01:21 AM

Aeon and on
New here, have really gotten a lot out of reading the blogs and other threads. Just wanted to get some stuff off my chest, I suppose. I'm realizing especially after reading some of what Mono has written, my partner D is more mono than I thought. I myself don't know whether I am truly poly or not, I like the idea but in reality it's just too soon to tell. I have a FWB I recently slept with (with D's knowledge and acceptance- I will talk about that more soon) but I don't think there is relationship material there, and the FWB is definitely mono. I guess reading here has woken me up to a lot of the difficulties of being poly, I guess I had seen it as this silver bullet, like wow if I could only be the female hinge of two male monos I'd never be lonely or feel sexually neglected! ( I KNOW THIS ISN'T TRUE!!) I think that for me part of the attraction to the poly lifestyle is superficial, the fantasy that with more than one partner, if things are not going well with one, I can depend on the other. Or more accurately, I won't overfocus too intently on one person in a sort of all-my-eggs-in-one-basket kind of way. But I am seeing the work that goes into poly life, and the pain, like the pain of "coming out" to others, or having to hide your life and loves. So I don't know I guess I just want to thank and acknowledge those who have come before, and to kind of think through some stuff as I start navigating the poly world. I know I will make mistakes but I want to avoid as many as possible :)

ray 04-30-2011 06:05 PM

Hi Aeon!

It's amazing how hard it can be to pin down choices like sexual orientatio or poly vs mono. Sometimes I feel like they should be obvious choices but that's not how it's been for me at all. Like you, I like the idea of poly. Ive tried it out a bit but am definitely nit sure about the future. I like to think I'm open to the possibilities. This board is good. I think I'm learning from the experience of everyone hear. I hope you can avoid some of the pitfalls. :) but dont beat yourself up too much when you make a mistake. Poly isn't easy and none of us are perfect.

Good luck!

Aeon 05-01-2011 10:07 PM

Thanks Ray!

In my intro I had said that Dungeon (now to be called "D"- sounds less melodramatic and easier to type...) was my primary. Now I'm realizing that he's not, simply because it seems to me from reading on here that a primary is sort of more of a committed relationship. Not to split hairs about labels, but I have made it clear to D that although I love him, I am *not* in love with him, and that right now my freedom comes first for many reasons. He has tried to place boundaries and limitations on my experimenting with others, such as my FWB "C". I politely told D that although I know it's painful for him to think about me being with C, I can't not experiment and do what I want, and I have not been totally inconsiderate to his needs to know what is going on, when, to postpone, etc. If I were in a committed poly relationship with D, certainly I would slow my roll and make sure that D was truly ok with me swinging (although currently he sometimes likes the idea of my being with C as it fuels a huge cuckolding fantasy for him, and gives me more material as his Mistress). However, I just got out of an 11 year relationship (married for 6 of those years) which left me sexually frustrated and neglected, so I am determined to be a free agent for now. The situation is very painful for D and I do feel badly for him, but I don't feel selfish because this is not a poly relationship as far as I am concerned, and I am always very clear with him. If nothing else D is learning a lot from me about taking responsibility for his own emotions, and I am learning a lot from him about everything, it seems. I do appreciate him for being open minded enough to hang in with me while I experiment, but it bothers me when he says "just put yourself in my shoes....". It seems like apples and oranges. I'm not in his shoes, because I am not a mono trying to cope with a possible poly. I don't know, I feel that I'm being harsh in this post, but I needed to vent a bit.

nycindie 05-01-2011 11:00 PM


Originally Posted by Aeon (Post 79247)
. . . my partner D is more mono than I thought. I myself don't know whether I am truly poly or not, I like the idea but in reality it's just too soon to tell.

From http://www.faqs.org/faqs/polyamory/faq/ :
Subject: 11). How can I tell if I am polyamorous?

I'm not sure; only you will know, and according to the philosophy of some folks, people aren't polyamorous, although behavior can be. Some people find that approach useful, and others prefer to think of "polyamorous people."

Some polyfolk tend to recognize themselves in the descriptions, and can only be restrained with difficulty from jumping up and down and screeching, "See! See! I *knew* it wasn't just me! Hooray!" If you aren't sure you're poly, the best practice is probably to act kindly and responsibly, and to communicate clearly to the best of your ability as you learn; come to think of it, that's the best practice for polyfolk, too, so you'll be one of the crowd anyhow. Besides, being polyamorous is not inherently "better" than being monogamous, so there's no need to feel like you have to pledge allegiance or anything like that just to hang out and look at the questions.

Another thing to consider is that the word "polyamorous" is, like all labels, just a tool. What you do and how you treat the people you love is probably more important to them, in the long run, than whether you fit a particular descriptive term, so don't sweat it, okay? And take good care of each other.

An alternate point of view:
"There aren't polyamorous and monogamous people; there are polyamorous and monogamous relationships. The same person may at various times be happy in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships at various times in his/her life. What is right depends on you and your feelings, and the feelings of those you are involved in relationships with. You may at some times be involved in a relationship that is monogamous, and that may be the right thing for the people in that relationship; at other times, you may be in a relationship which works better as part of a polyamorous network of relationships. In any case, the important thing is probably to act kindly and responsibly, and to communicate clearly with intimate partners and potential partners about these issues. Don't deny your feelings or the feelings of those that you care about. Get in touch with how you and those you care about really feel, rather than how society wants you to feel, or how you think it would be logical to feel, or how you've been told polyamorous people (or monogamous people) should feel. Then behave in ways which are honest, and which make you, and the people you care about, and the people they care about, happy and fulfilled. If this results in you having more than one intimate relationship at the same time, or being involved in a relationship with more than two people, those who are big on categorizing and labeling people will label you a 'poly person'."

Aeon 05-05-2011 11:39 PM

better now
Sigh I feel much calmer now and loving towards D. Last weekend was just so emotional, and I had so little energy to give. I keep reading these forums and learning more. I think D definitely has a fear of abandonment, hence his need for reassurance before and after my meeting with C. Certainly I had no problem with giving as much as I could, but his state was pretty extreme.

C and I have not been in touch in several days, and D hasn't asked me about him. I'm disappointed, sad, and frustrated regarding C, but I also feel that there were never any explicit agreements or conversations between us, it was more of a fling, so that's that. It's had the benefit of slowing me down whether I wanted to or not :) and given D some time to heal. We have also refocused on each other. D has a lot of BDsm experience (I originally wrote that I am his mistress, I think that was overstating. We had talked about 24/7 and tried it a bit, but it didn't work out. Now I just am a Domme to him in the bedroom and sometimes when we check in during the day). We're planning to go to a munch next weekend, and I'm also contacting the local poly group (sometimes they cross over, it seems like they may meet up together in the future).

I just read the ENTIRE BDsm thread today (whew took a while!) and it was quite fun. I may post there soon.

Lately I feel like reactivating my OKCupid account (that is how I met D and also C), but I'd like to talk to D about it first, and we're both still recovering from last week. I'm also deactivating my AFF account (where I met the professor) since I definitely want boyfriends and not casual sex.

I feel like (and know) I'm such a newbie as I read the other threads here. I guess everyone has to start somewhere though, and I'm glad I'm starting late rather than never!! :D

Aeon 05-09-2011 08:46 PM

welcome Zadok!
Well to confuse things more, D/Dungeon is now Zadok :) I tried to figure out how to edit my previous posts but am unable to find the button to do it.

At any rate, Zadok made an account and I'm thrilled. I know that he will not be as active here as I am, but if he wants to read or chime in he's more than welcome.

This past weekend was great for us. We've been talking and processing more about poly, boundaries, and moving forward. Something just clicked during our talks. It was partly the way he described his experience of my sleeping with C, and partly some of the changes he has made recently in his life. He has become more interested in learning communication techniques (some of which I had learned in the past and was reminded of in threads on here) and also has become more health conscious which is incredibly attractive to me. I am turned on, not because it may change his appearance, but because someone who is invested in taking care of themselves signals to me a healthy and loving person, who I want to be around.

C and I have been back in touch, but I have been feeling very strongly that I don't want to jeopardize what I have with Zadok, I value it too much. He talked about how he can and will eventually be able to tolerate an probably embrace my potentially poly lifestyle, and I believe him. I'd rather go slow and have him along for the ride than hurt him too much too soon, and he would have to leave for his own sanity. I think there is a strong possibility that if we handle each other with love and care, we can navigate this successfully. I will continue to keep in touch with C but I am not going to meet up with him again until Zadok is ready.

I'm on such a pink cloud right now I don't want to jinx it. That's all for now.

Aeon 06-18-2011 11:28 AM

it's been a while since I posted...
The reason is, I'm excited to say, I'm pregnant! I'm only 6 weeks and I know it is too soon to tell the whole world, but each week that goes by I am telling a few more folks.

Zadok is thrilled for me and very supportive, but also understandably anxious that one I become a Mama I will have less time for him.

C is excited for me but we still have not seen each other again in person, I think perhaps the reality that this is not going anywhere (for him, as a mono) has sunk in. Who knows, more on that elsewhere.

The professor is happy for me but also deeply pained because he wanted to have children but for whatever reason he and his wife could not. Even though I feel no chemistry toward him, I would keep him as a friend and surprisingly he says that is what he wants too. I am not super invested either way, will see how it turns out.

I have more to say about my thoughts re: poly but I'm so nauseous I will quit while I'm ahead today :)

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