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Gem 10-12-2009 07:27 PM

Lengthy Introduction
Hey there everyone!

I just wanted to finally introduce myself and maybe get some feedback from y’all.

Well, to begin with, I’m Tech’s wife (he started posting a couple weeks ago). We’ve been married ten years (and together for 14 years). Obviously we’re new to this lifestyle, even though I’ve always felt capable of loving more than one person at a time. I just never thought I’d act on it (the result of a strong Christian upbringing) or, truth be told, have the opportunity to act on it.

In the last few months I have realized just how “conditioned” or “programmed” I’ve felt all my life. I feel like “society” sets the rules and we are programmed (raised) to follow these rules, even if we don’t really believe in them (and we’re rarely encouraged to really think for ourselves and figure out what works for us, personally. We’re just expected to follow the status quo.). It’s difficult for me to break away from the norm, as I’m the youngest child and was never really encouraged (or, more realistically, allowed) to think for myself. But I’m working on breaking out of the mold that has been made for me, finding myself, and discovering who I really am and what I really believe.

Well, this year has been quite a challenge for me (and Tech). I ended up falling in love a couple times (while being completely honest about my marital status, of course). (Note, I wasn’t really LOOKING to fall in love…I was just being me, flirting, having fun, etc. And I admit, I DO tend to fall in love pretty easily.) Well, after a couple months, each of these guys ended up hurting me pretty badly. So, I decided to simply resist falling in love after that (I had been burned, so I figured refusing to let myself fall in love would be easy enough…my heart simply wasn’t in it…I didn’t want any more pain or heartbreak). And that’s when I met a guy who quickly became a really great friend and helped me get through the pain I was experiencing. (For the purpose of this Intro, I’ll call him Honey Bear, or HB for short.) And I honestly never thought anything would develop between us other than friendship. Then we fell in love.

He’s a lot like my husband in so many ways. He’s so loving, caring, open, and sincere. And he and I are EVEN MORE alike. And yet, there are enough differences that we all have fun learning about each other. I honestly feel like the three of us are all cut from the same cloth…just slightly different patterns. And I LOVE it. It’s great having the comfort of being alike in so many ways, and still being able to appreciate our many differences.

The best part is that HB really wants to have a deep relationship (friendship) with my husband too. And they get along really well and are able to openly communicate with each other and express their needs, as well as relinquish time with me when the other needs to spend time with me. They are both really amazing at that. It’s not even an issue most of the time. I admit that I do still struggle a bit with balancing time distribution, but I’m hoping that resolves itself if/when we all live closer together and after we get the opportunity to really spend some real time together on a regular basis (you know, after the NRE wears off…and it will be such a blessing when that finally happens…Tech is quite frustrated with the intensity of the physical attraction between HB and me. I think a lot of that comes from the NRE and the simple fact that we hardly get to see each other).

HB and I have only known each other a few months (talking almost every single night and emailing each other nonstop throughout the entire day), and we have spent a couple weekends together (the three of us), with a few more planned in the coming weeks, but it feels like we’ve known each other for YEARS. There’s just that inherent connection (I felt it when I met/dated my husband too). It just feels “right.”

Unfortunately, I keep having doubts about how this can work. I love them both so very much, and really don’t want to imagine my life without either of them. But there are so many things I’m concerned about:

1. There’s such a stigma about having multiple partners (morally wrong, etc.). I think deep down I fear being judged by others.

2. I am worried about the legality of it, both as a lifestyle and from the angle of finances, assets, etc. (I want everything to be fair for everyone, but don’t see how that’s possible.)

3. There’s NO WAY our families are going to accept this (I know…why do I care? Well, because we’re pretty close to our families, for the most part.). (Actually, HB has been talking to his friends about it and they are all very supportive. His brother, who was against it in the beginning, just told him a day or two ago that he’s okay with it now. The positive reinforcement is most definitely helpful. But due to generational differences [as well as religious conviction], none of us really believe our parents will be able to accept this, no matter what we say or do, or how we feel.)

4. I worry about Tech too. I know this is new for him (heck, it’s new for all of us), and it’s a difficult adjustment to make. I think I’m just worried that he won’t be able to make that adjustment, despite his best efforts.

I think right now I just need to know if this can really work. I mean, is it POSSIBLE? Or are all of our lives going to be turned upside down and essentially in ruins in the end (primarily due to the “rules” of the society we live in)? I feel like so much is against us...and it gets discouraging.

What’s funny is that things are great between the three of us when HB is here with us…but the minute he’s away, both Tech and I tend to get “fussy” about everything. When we’re apart, all I can think about is how this can’t work. But the minute he’s right in front of me, all doubts disappear (and I mean ALL doubts). Tech’s mind is at perfect ease as long as HB is around. It’s when he isn’t around that Tech gets paranoid and jealous. (But, many times all it takes is a good lengthy talk between us [and a few tears shed] and we’re okay with it all again.) And I have no idea WHY my mind tries to convince myself that it can’t work. I think maybe I’m just trying to protect myself from getting hurt. But losing either of these guys would hurt me worse than anything.

So anyway, I’ll end this so you guys & gals can respond if you see fit. It’s great to finally have some people to talk to who understand and might be able to provide some insight. Thanks so much!

Mark1npt 10-12-2009 11:23 PM

With the right people and the right love, anything is possible. The secondary issues, about what bosses, friends and family think are def issues. They will need to be addressed as well as a few others that you don't even know about yet. But it can work, if you want it to. Good luck!

AutumnalTone 10-13-2009 04:11 PM

Is it possible? Certainly!

Will it be easy? Not necessarily.

It sounds like you've got a good start on it, though!

Welcome to the boards.

MonoVCPHG 10-13-2009 04:48 PM


Originally Posted by SeventhCrow (Post 8838)
Is it possible? Certainly!

Will it be easy? Not necessarily.

It sounds like you've got a good start on it, though!

Welcome to the boards.

I second all that!


HappiestManAlive 10-13-2009 08:02 PM

Gem, you just described from a female with two males perspective my exact situation (in a male with two females relationship), and seem to be having the exact same issues. I see us talking a lot on here, lol. Maybe Tech should be PM'ing Violet, as she occupies his "spot" in this scenario, lol.

Welcome to the boards, and don't worry - things can and will work out if everyone is willing to put their best into it. Seriously though - read the HMA/Violet/Anne story in the Life Stories & Blogs forum; it's long but I bet some of it sounds awefully familiar!

Tech 10-13-2009 11:25 PM

Hey Sweetie, welcome! ;)

Yes HMA, I've read some of your stories and they are amazingly similar. Glad to see we're not the only ones going through "all this".

But we're taking it one step at a time, and each day is a victory.

Gem 10-14-2009 01:30 PM

Thanks for the warm welcome everyone! (And thanks HMA, I’m very glad to see that I’m not the only one going through this!) All of your feedback is very much appreciated.

I have no delusions that this will be simple. We’re just beginning and the emotional toll that it has taken on me so far has been overwhelming, to say the very least. But I’m just trying to take it one day at a time. And each day is testing my resolve…

Yesterday was quite a challenge. In a nutshell, I believe that everything that happens to us in life is meant to teach us something or prepare us for something. And lately I’ve been alternating between struggling with the idea of how this can work and pushing HB away. Well, yesterday I realized that all of my thoughts, feelings, and actions have been occurring to make me realize exactly what I DO want, recognize how terrible I feel when HB is not around, and by using that, to give me the strength to stand against anything that would try to destroy what we have. So, that breakthrough was quite exciting, as I felt empowered to withstand anything.

And then HB put it to the test last night…and things didn’t go that well.

Yesterday HB told his mom about me (us) (she kinda already knew, but had a few details wrong). He didn’t plan to tell her, not this soon, but apparently she was asking quite a few questions about his plans this weekend (he’s coming out to see us), and he didn’t want to lie to her. She knew about me, had assumed I was married, and incorrectly assumed my marriage was on the rocks and I was getting divorced. So when HB explained to her about our situation, she was really not happy about it at all. From what I gathered, she needs some time to absorb it (TOTALLY understandable), but doubts whether she can ever accept it. (And of course she doesn’t like it that he has decided to move to NY.)

When HB told me last night that “she knows,” even though I thought I was prepared for anything, well, I realized I wasn’t. I felt sooo sick. We’re talking through it though. I DID try to talk him into going a more “normal” route in life, for his own sanity and simplicity in his life. He won’t hear of it. He is determined to make this work. I admire him for that. Alot. And I’m glad he has that strength in him. I know I’m going to need to lean on that strength quite a bit.

The one big thing that I struggled with is that, in everything I do, I like to make the least amount of negative impact. I try so hard not to hurt people. And yet I can tell from what HB said that his mom is hurting from what he told her. And I know my parents and Tech’s parents are going to hurt too. And I don’t want that. I don’t understand how they could be hurt when what the three of us have together is so wonderful. And knowing that my actions are causing them any kind of pain, well, it’s difficult for me to live with that. I keep trying to remember HB’s words: we can’t live OUR lives THEIR way just to make THEM happy.

Well, I’ll end this for now. It’s long enough as it is. I’m sure more will be coming soon.

HappiestManAlive 10-14-2009 11:28 PM

Yeah - the family issue is going to be a very tough one for Anne and I both as well. At least Violet's dad is giving us something to go on - he's excited for all of us, isn't upset at me at all for having another GF as he understands that she's for Violet too (she's dated girls most of her teenage years & he's adjusted to that already), and is already saying things like "I'll have to get a bigger table for Thanksgiving!" LOL

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