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-   -   Gamerprincess's Journey (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9339)

gamerprincess 04-28-2011 08:05 PM

Gamerprincess's Journey
I figured I might as well start one of these and stop crowding up the other topics :D As of now, I guess I'm a bisexual mono with a straight poly boyfriend. I'm not interested in seeing anyone else outside of our relationship but since our unicorn hunt didn't go so well and boredom ensued, he wants to see other women casually. Maybe more I guess if the right one came along.

For a history of my story, here's my previous threads so far regarding my journey, which is brand new after years of discussing different options in poly. Lots of jealousy, worry, hurt, insecurity and learning about myself and him. It's like we've started a whole new relationship after 6 years with one another, rediscovering and learning new things about each other, both positive and negative.





So, after discussing that we've got different communication needs, I took Derby's advice and asked him if we could figure out a meeting time we could make to talk poly stuff. He said he wasn't sure what would be good because sometimes he does like talking about it more than others, but as long as I don't do it 24/7 like I have been, that's fine.

I've decided to try to limit it to once a day in the evenings if I've got questions or to discuss how we are feeling about things. I will refrain from texting him throughout the day on it and then talking at night about it too. Yes, just typing that makes me really realize how nutty I've been being. I've gotta say I am ashamed with myself for that and I will be sure to tell him tonight that I apologize for my irrational mood swings and obsessiveness recently over it and that going forward I am going to be sure to check in with myself more often.

Previously I've mentioned the girl he was talking to, and how I had a gut feeling she wasn't right due to past decisions she's made and how I felt she tried to trap her previous married boyfriend who was cheating on his wife, I'm happy to say that he's decided he isn't interested in meeting her anymore. I know my behavior and attitude has made it stressful and probably was a big factor in the decision, but I also know that I was not comfortable with how loose and careless she had been in the past and I stand my ground firm on those feelings. I also don't like how she strictly dates attached or married men because she doesn't want a commitment, yet she never wants to meet the wife or girlfriend. She's always kind of been the dirty little secret. I think she likes that for some sick reason, and I'm not OK with that. if they had met and started dating, I know she's in his life and I want her to meet me and acknowledge I'm in his.

Overall, she's not what I pictured she would be in his life and in mine, because inevitably, she'd be taking away some of my time to be with him and it will affect my life, where I want someone who wants to be a part of my life too. Doesn't have to be romantic or sexual with me, though that would be wonderful...It just has to be a level of respect, friendship and the common goal of making him happy while enriching all of our lives. I want us all to hang out, watch movies, cuddle with him, go out and have fun. I thought thats what he wanted too, but I guess thats something I need to ask him to be sure he wants that too. Gotta find a good way for him to tell me his wants and expectations without continually being pushy.

I also want us to have alone time with him too and that's where this notion and wanting of a friend and someone I trust with him is so important to me. Sometimes I worry we will never find that and the only way he's going to live out his needs sexually to be with another woman, is to do just that outside of the relationship and that me not being present in that relationship kind of makes me fade away into the background.

A lot of this I know has to deal with the fear of abandonment for me or feelings of inadequacy and I'm trying to address those.

He still wants me to look for a unicorn as he knows that's what would make me the happiest and would make him happy by fulfilling his desire and need for another relationship and not just sex with someone else. However, he still wants to be open to seeing other women without me in it until we find our match. I can definitely compromise on that one and who knows, maybe that's how we'll find our match. I hope I feel differently next time around then I did over this girl. Hopefully I felt that way given her past when I was already new to this and already had fears of someone trying to take him away from me.

I'm glad that I have an outlet here to write down all of my fears, needs and progress as we go through this!

gamerprincess 04-30-2011 09:52 PM

The last 2 days have been really nice. We got our communication squabble out of the way we've been doing our poly talk once a day, to check in and see how the other is feeling, if we've come across anyone worthwhile and other hypothetical things. Really just reaffirming what it is what we want.

He cut off the single mom like I said, which I've felt a lot better about and we're back to looking for our unicorn but still pursuing other partners. You never know, maybe that's how we'll meet the "one"!

I'm talking to a girl who is moving back to our area in a few weeks. So far so good, we have a good deal in common. He's also speaking to a girl he came across online who is only about 30 mins away who is married and in an open relationship with her hubby too. We're both asking questions about the women to each other and just at a different level of comfort now with pursuing this. I'm feeling a sense of calmness and no jealousies over the last 2 days which is a huge improvement for me, so I'm proud of myself on that one. He sees it too, and I think since he's seeing a level of comfort in me now, he's being more affectionate.

At the moment, things are really good :D

gamerprincess 05-04-2011 11:55 PM

We might have met her!
So, over the last few days, I've been talking to a woman on my own, but it seems like she's looking for exactly what we are both looking for together, so tonight him and her are going to talk and then all three of us. If all goes as well as her and I think it will with him, then we are going to meet within the next month.

The only downfall is, she is 5 hours away from us, but has SO much in common with both of us together and separately that we are willing to make this work and so is she.

She's an amazing person, older than the both of us, but she has a lot of similar interests with him that I don't have and similar interests with me that he doesn't have..And sexually, our desires all seem to be similar. She's also beautiful to top it off.

We are both SO excited about this and I can't wait to see how this goes and update everyone!

TheBlackSwede 05-09-2011 05:23 AM

Hi GP, I really hope the meeting goes well, and I'm looking forward to reading about it.

What you've gone through and are still experiencing to a certain extent really reminds me of what my wife is currently going through. I may point her in the direction of your threads to see how you dealt with things, so thank you for posting! In the meantime, I'm curious about why you guys are only looking for a unicorn... it always surprises me how many couples focus only on finding a single bi woman for the both of them, even though it seems to be the unreachable goal and even when it is reached, it doesn't seem as gratifying as most expect it to be, just from what I've read here... Anyhow, no judgement or anything, whatever your reasons are - just curious.

gamerprincess 05-12-2011 07:59 PM

Thanks for your reply :)

Things took a turn in the last day or so and it looks like it's not going to work out.

To make a long story short, she has been seeing 2 men for a while and though we don't expect her to put her life on hold, after she made plans and reservations to come down for a weekend with us, she had a threesome with a female friend and one of her guys this past weekend.

J was NOT comfortable with this and thinks she is too open for his tastes. I was not upset and did not fight his opinion as it's not just my thoughts and opinions here that matter. I told him I didn't expect her to stop seeing the guys, but I admitted perhaps the threesome and the graphic details she shared were a bit much. We appreciated her honesty and that she was upfront and open about her other partners, but ideally that is not what we were looking for.

He said he wants us to find someone closer and not so casual with other partners. He felt that poly should be about loving multiple people and not just about the sex..that yes, sex comes with loving someone, but it should not be expected on the first meeting and should be saved for when there is a real connection developed. In short, he felt she was just into swinging basically because it seems like it's just about how much sex she can have, and not about forming anything beyond that.

I gotta say, I do respect that in him. For some reason I think maybe I thought this journey was just about sex to him and I see that he wants something more with someone else and us..and that makes me happy.

SNeacail 05-12-2011 08:35 PM

I guess I'm having a little trouble seeing the problem at this point in the process. From what it sounds like, this wasn't just some casual hook up with a stranger, these were people she knew. You guys haven't even met and are turned off because she's not treating this like a "relationship". Why should she put her life on hold for people she hasn't even met yet? You never know, after getting to know each other a little better and meet IRL a few times, things may be different.

That you are getting a vibe/feeling/whatever that isn't meshing with where you think you want to go, that part I get.

nycindie 05-12-2011 09:20 PM

I'm with SNeacail on this one. You aren't even in a relationship with her yet, you were just meeting her. Sounds like she has established people in her life, and was simply physical with a friend and a lover, not strangers at a swingers' club. What makes you think she doesn't love the people she was with?

TruckerPete 05-12-2011 09:28 PM

Just want to point out that my FWB doesn't cheapen the love I feel for Indigo or Mr. A ... ;)

gamerprincess 05-12-2011 09:41 PM


Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 81234)
I'm with SNeacail on this one. You aren't even in a relationship with her yet, you were just meeting her. Sounds like she has established people in her life, and was simply physical with a friend and a lover, not strangers at a swingers' club. What makes you think she doesn't love the people she was with?

She never said that specifically, so I don't know for sure on it. Perhaps she does, but J seems like he wants to meet someone that isn't seeing multiple people. While I said I never expected her to put her life on hold, he didn't either. He just wanted someone that wasn't already involved with multiple people in her life and that we might be looking for more of a closed triad. I'm on the fence about it. I see where she is coming from and I understand why he feels the way he does.

We still will remain friends though and plan to eventually go to see one of our favorite bands when they tour later this year or early next year together, but as for anything else at this point he just doesn't feel comfortable. I'm not going to push him against what he doesn't want to do.

SNeacail 05-12-2011 09:59 PM


Originally Posted by gamerprincess (Post 81242)
We still will remain friends though and plan to eventually go to see one of our favorite bands when they tour later this year or early next year together, but as for anything else at this point he just doesn't feel comfortable.

Now this is just ME, but I wouldn't be comfortable with anything more until we had a chance to become friends first. That you guys have decided together to not just jump in feet first is a good thing, but it shouldn't keep you from meeting up with her and having a good weekend or such. It seems like there was a lot of preasure to make everything fit together right away.

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