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-   -   We've got different needs for communicating (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9326)

gamerprincess 04-28-2011 03:57 PM

We've got different needs for communicating
 
I think him and I have totally different communcation styles and needs. He doesn't really tell me much about what he's thinking, feeling and wanting and either expects that I'm a mind reader, or that I just don't have the need to know.

At this stage, I'm questioning him a lot on a lot of different needs and just trying to wrap my head around it all. Yesterday I was kind of pushing for him to go meet and just get it out of the way, but he said he wasn't going to and didn't think he wanted to meet her any more. I asked him if he was going to stop talking to her, and he said "pretty much". So, I left it at at that.

He comes home last night from a buddies house, and after we talk for a little bit and eat, he tells me he's still talking to her. I just said, oh ok and left it at that. This morning after I had my thoughts collected, I asked him about what he said last night and what changed his mind.

That's when he flew off the handle at me, told me that "she's" all I talk about and that he doesn't know what the fuck he wants or what he wants to do or if he wants to meet her still. Said that my constant questioning has become a problem and asked me do I really need to know every conversation, every little move he is making. Said my questioning is whats turning him off and making him lose the desire for this and making him start to not like me very much right now.

So, I didn't respond, I just calmly walked out of the room because I didn't want to cause a fight. He went to work and I don't plan of texting him or calling him at all today, because honestly I'm pretty hurt at how he blew up at me and feel that I should be able to question as much as I want.

So, obviously we've got different levels of communication needs and I'm starting to feel like if he can't handle all of my questions and wanting to stay in constant communication about the progress of things, then I don't know if I can do this or what this means for our relationship... Actually, right about now, I'm pretty upset and wondering why I've even thrown us into this because it just might destroy us.

:(

Ariakas 04-28-2011 04:06 PM

There are a number of studies and papers on communication styles. It does help to know

a) how you communicate
b) how your recipient communicates
c) how you receive communication
d) how your recipient receives communication

If you don't understand how communication works with the person you are with you will run into road blocks and bumps.

Now.. to your specific point. Poly communication can be overwhelming. The need to discuss every point all the time. It can be.. dauntingly annoying. Some people want to live, talk and discuss poly constantly. If he is feeling that way, then maybe you need to create time where poly is not allowed to be discussed. Times of reprieve. Might help him feel less stressed about poly overall.

gamerprincess 04-28-2011 04:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 78987)
There are a number of studies and papers on communication styles. It does help to know

a) how you communicate
b) how your recipient communicates
c) how you receive communication
d) how your recipient receives communication

If you don't understand how communication works with the person you are with you will run into road blocks and bumps.

Now.. to your specific point. Poly communication can be overwhelming. The need to discuss every point all the time. It can be.. dauntingly annoying. Some people want to live, talk and discuss poly constantly. If he is feeling that way, then maybe you need to create time where poly is not allowed to be discussed. Times of reprieve. Might help him feel less stressed about poly overall.

Thank you for your input. I definitely am getting annoying to him and I am overwhelming him, but I'm even afraid to ask him at this point what level of communication he feels is enough on his part vs. my needs. We used to communicate fairly well before, but he's always been a little more quiet on the communication end and well, now that we've thrown poly into the mix, it's become worse. If I didn't ask questions, I'd probably know nothing at this point.

Derbylicious 04-28-2011 04:23 PM

Would it be helpful for you to write everything out? That way you can get to the bottom of what you really want to discuss without having to cover every conversation they have with each other ect? Also it might be helpful to him if you can agree on a set amount of time per day or week to talk about poly stuff so that it doesn't seem like that's all every conversation the 2 of you have with each other is about.

gamerprincess 04-28-2011 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 78993)
Would it be helpful for you to write everything out? That way you can get to the bottom of what you really want to discuss without having to cover every conversation they have with each other ect? Also it might be helpful to him if you can agree on a set amount of time per day or week to talk about poly stuff so that it doesn't seem like that's all every conversation the 2 of you have with each other is about.

I just suggested the idea of setting a time per day or week to talk about it. I told him to think about what he is comfortable with and let me know later, so hopefully we can come to something like once a day for a 1/2 hour or so instead of continuously. I think it's been our only topic of conversation in the last week, and even I'm getting burned out.

Danny40179 04-30-2011 01:08 PM

If you guys are new to the poly lifestyle, then I think there should be TONS of communication. Even if you're not new, I think there should still be tons of communication. That is one of the biggest pieces to making this way of life possible. I think you have every right to ask as many questions as you feel you need until you're comfortable.

I always get a lil worried when someone starts avoiding answering questions from their so. Just my opinion of course.

Ariakas 04-30-2011 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danny40179 (Post 79310)
If you guys are new to the poly lifestyle, then I think there should be TONS of communication. Even if you're not new, I think there should still be tons of communication. That is one of the biggest pieces to making this way of life possible. I think you have every right to ask as many questions as you feel you need until you're comfortable.

I always get a lil worried when someone starts avoiding answering questions from their so. Just my opinion of course.

What about the right of the "receiver" to have some peace

There are two sides to communication. Some people want to babble endlessly, some people need breaks.

You don't need endless communication to make it work. Make your communication more effective.. not more bulky.

Danny40179 04-30-2011 01:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 79332)
What about the right of the "receiver" to have some peace

There are two sides to communication. Some people want to babble endlessly, some people need breaks.

You don't need endless communication to make it work. Make your communication more effective.. not more bulky.

Love the last line. It is indeed about the quality not the quantity.

As for the need for a break, I can only speak from my experience. When my wife asked a question I took it as her needing reassurance. I didn't hesitate to answer any questions

gamerprincess 04-30-2011 09:37 PM

We had the discussion about whats tolerable and whats excessive in communicating our needs and we've come to an agreement which is working good for both of us. We're talking poly stuff once a day after work and dinner is done unless it's something urgent that can't wait.

So far so good :)

Danny40179 04-30-2011 09:51 PM

That's great, I'm glad to hear that. I wish you guys the best of luck.


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