Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   Hello All (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=931)

nalena 10-12-2009 01:18 AM

Hello All
Hello everyone,

I am new to "poly" and this forum. A friend of mine brought up the topic and I started to do some research on what it was and how I felt about it. It seems the more I read, the more I am interested.

A little about myself. I have been with my husband now for 17 years, been married for 5 of those, but seems most of the time I have not been either happy with him, myself or our relationship. I have always yearned for something more. We have talked numerous times about having an open relationship, but each time I seem to find someone to be friends and more with, but then my Husband retracts the offer and leaves me out in the cold.

I am hoping I learn more here, both for me, my husband and our relationship. As a friend once told me. You can't be truly happy, unless you are happy with yourself..

AutumnalTone 10-12-2009 03:28 AM

Welcome to the boards.

I hope you're aware that you've got a tough row to hoe. Usually, adding more people to a relationship that isn't working well is a recipe for disaster, so unless you and your husband are working together on settling your issues, things will only get trickier if you try to add other people.

I wish you the best.

Mark1npt 10-12-2009 04:07 AM

I can echo SC's words.....I maybe rushed the threesome, before repairing my own marriage, and that didn't work so well. We are under repair currently and the threesome is starting to flourish more. Just sayin'......

LovingRadiance 10-12-2009 05:36 AM

The webs we weave.
Hi Nalena.
Can't say I really expected to see you here.
Anyway-welcome and I hope you find helpful information as you peruse the boards.
I know we have.

nalena 10-21-2009 12:09 AM

Sorry I went off the grid
I am sorry I have not responded to any responses before now. If I did not say say in my first post I am a full-time college student. I am taking two classes in class and one online/in class so I am pretty busy. Thank you for taking your time to let me know there will be problems.

A little update we have been talking some, but he still does not understand that I am not happy. It is not that I am unhappy in our relationship, just never been happy with myself.

Well time to go back to the grind and get more papers done.

LovingRadiance 10-21-2009 02:39 AM

Well my dear-the first step then is to look inward at yourself and identify why. All the way down to the bottom of why. Not "I'm insecure" or "I feel worthless" but all the way back to the very primary reason those feelings exist in yourself.
Only you can make yourself happy. No one else in the world can do it for you.

HappiestManAlive 10-21-2009 02:41 AM

^what she said.

And a late Welcome! ;)

maca 10-21-2009 03:49 AM

Welcome Nale

I know you dont have the tiem to post and read lots but if you never get back on this board do yourself a favor and find time and a way to get through to your husband.Talk Talk Talk... You cant be happy till you can be honest.. As LR said look deep dont stop at the first uncomfortable thought push deeper find the real reasons and then work it through to the end..

<hugs and love >

Legion 10-25-2009 02:44 AM

yeah, not being happy with yourself is a tough one. And I don't think adding another person will help that any more than it would help if it were your relationship you were unhappy with.

I speak from the other side, having had a couple g/fs who were not happy with themselvs. It is true that you are the only one who can help yourself. I know I loved my "Athena" like crazy but it was like pouring water into a bucket with a hole in it. She just kept feeling empty because she didn't feel worthy of the love, so she couldn't accept it.

I wish you luck in discovering how precious you are and learning to cherish yourself!!

LovingRadiance 10-25-2009 09:23 PM

You know yourself that Maca has some of those same issues and has struggled with them. You know I had an affair and you've made the suggestion that maybe he shouldn't be here with me because being here "makes him miserable".

But-though it may not be my place to say-I am going to say because i spent last night watching him agonize and you know why.

I have loved him with more of myself then any average person has to give. When he was too damn busy running away from his life to care for his son-I not only loved him, cherished him and cared for him-I loved, cherished and cared for his son. I damn near single handedly raised the little boy while Maca ran away to play with his friends and to work (by choice at that time) anywhere but here.
I put up with his psycho exwife torturing and tormenting not only that poor child, but also myself AND MY CHILD.

I reassured Maca and his son. I reassured his crazy ex-wife at times too because my nature is to try to help people OUT of the stupid little ditches they PUT THEMSELVES into.

I held him and I nurtured him.
I reassured him and I loved him every way I could.

I got ignored and snorts of derision when I told him he was beautiful (which he is-f'ing hot actually) and I got accusations LONG before I EVER considered it of how I was sleeping around and blah blah blah. I was reminded daily of my every minute failure-even those that WERE NOT TRUE.

But through it all I stuck by his side.

I have made a HUGE point of publicly only focusing on what I have done wrong in our marriage-because I believe with all my heart that what I must do to find goodness, happiness and satisfaction in my life is to become the best person I can be-which means focusing on improving MYSELF-not Maca.
I do NOT rag on him for his failures-but I am certainly aware of them-I spend every bloody day with him!

That said- the breaking point for me was that Maca was so damn caught up in his own self-loathing (I prefer to say SELFISH loathing-because anyone who is in a self pity bath IS being selfish) that he was a terrible father, not only to his son, but to my daughter and then to our son as well. He was a terrible husband. He wasn't a terrible friend-because he didn't like ANYONE so he had no friends-NONE. He was a terrible brother (didn't have ANYTHING to do with his siblings who love him and look up to him as their older brother). A terrible cousin (they adore him too and he avoided them like the plague as well). The ONLY thing he was good at was work and video games.

He could romance and thrill the clothes off ANYONE guy or girl in the video games and his bosses and coworkers were amazed by his devotion to his work and perfectionistic devotion to getting it done right ALWAYS.

The ONLY thing stopping Maca from being an AMAZING husband-was his own self-pity.

The ONLY thing stopping Maca from being an AMAZING (and then some omg) lover-was his own self-pity.

The ONLY thing stopping Maca from being an AMAZING father-was his own self-pity.

The ONLY thing stopping Maca from being an AMAZING friend-was his own self-pity.

The ONLY thing stopping Maca from being an AMAZING brother-was his own self-pity.

The ONLY thing stopping Maca from being an AMAZING cousin-was his own self pity.

You get the picture? Cause there are plenty more examples. The bottom line is that the ONLY thing that stopped him from getting all that he needed in this world was his own self-pity.

You can not get anywhere in life if you aren't willing to try.

As I told my stepson so many times-and thank god he finally figured out what it really means-

I would love to help-but it is flat f'ing impossible to help someone unless THEY are doing something.

HELP means:

to give or provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need; contribute strength or means to; render assistance to; cooperate effectively with; aid;

It does not mean to do it FOR you.

I am disturbed that it's been what 5 years? Something like that since I offered you a room in my home, a paid for plane ticket, went out and spent money for a new bed, sheets, comforter, paint for the walls, so that you could have a safe place to land.

You probably thought I was full of shit-but maybe you now are ready to really hear and understand-when I said-if Maca told me he preferred to sleep in your room-I LOVE HIM and I would never ever ever tell him he could not have something he needed if it was in my power to give him. I would bless your room with freaking holy water if it was what he needed to know it was ok. I DO NOT need him to be something specific. I do not love him for what he can be for me-I love him for what he can be period.
At that time you had nothing holding you where you were. My impression is that you were intimidated by me and so you chose to stay in an abusive relationship, not only stay but marry a man you had already spent HOW MANY YEARS being abused by? And then bring a sweet and precious little girl into the world.

HONEY-Maca does love you. I haven't a doubt in the world there are others. I have heard your story from him. I have heard it from my brother who you also talk to online. I have head it from my sil who ALSO talks with you online.

But you still sit there feeling sorry for yourself. Your self pity is DEVASTATING for everyone who allows themselves to care for you. You destroy them by asking for their help, telling them you need them, crying out in heartbroken desperation and then when they offer you a safe haven, a rock to lean on, a place where you can escape to find yourself and build yourself up so you can be the woman you deserve and were meant to be-you run away from them.

I don't hate you Nalena. I don't even hate Maca's exwife though I come a lot closer for sure (trying to kidnap my kids really pushed me to the edge of sheer hatred).

I just can't sit here and watch you continue to cry out while simultaneously flat refusing any offers of help.

I COULD keep my mouth shut. But my experience tells me that sometimes what a person stuck in the ditch really needs is a firm hand to smack them right on the ass next to a stern reproach to get off their ass and move.

Like in the movie "The NeverEnding Story": Atreau and his horse (who is his best friend) are traversing the land. They get caught in the sinking sands of self-pity (go figure). The horse is unable to think in rational human logic. He sinks, he dies. But the boy forces himself to keep his wits. His best friend is sinking-and dying in front of his eyes, all is hopeless and lost-but he has to be firm with himself and understand that HE MUST go on.

You are a mother now-your options have changed. Suicide is NOT YOUR PRIVILEDGE to EVEN CONTEMPLATE.

Yes-I do know what I say Nalena. Remember I had my daughter at 16 and her dad walked out 2 months after she was born. I raised her side by side with my foster sister till Maca came along.
Then I basically raised her single handedly.

When I was laying on the floor covered in bruised bite marks all over my body having bitten back scream after scream after scream so my boys would never know what was happening above them to their mom. When I sat in the bottom of a tub being told to wash "the filth of my sins" with a green dish scrubber after having been brutally raped... Suicide might have been a welcome though-but as parents WE DO NOT HAVE THAT PRIVILEDGE.

As Maca has said-and when he wasn't around to answer but I read your feelings-you DO have a safe harbor if you want it-for you, for your little one as well.

BUT-you are a grown woman and a mother. You MUST stop wallowing in self-pity and stop allowing yourself to be degraded and put down by ANYONE and make a decision to do what is necessary for YOUR psychological well-being so that you can be the mother that little girl deserves. IF you make a decision to do it I guarantee that Maca, and (I don't know their login's on the game) J and T along with C, Em and myself will step up to the plate to back you up and help you along.

I'm sorry if this seems cold. I truly am not a cold person. I just can't handle one more day of holding Maca in my arms while he shakes in frustration because you WON'T LET him help you-even as you continue to beg him for help.

All times are GMT. The time now is 09:31 PM.