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-   -   new to polyandry. can anyone help me out (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9305)

Surion 04-28-2011 03:33 AM

new to polyandry. can anyone help me out
Hello all, I have been with my wife now for 8 years. We met a new person that at a fuction and my wife has fallen in love with him. We are both very open with our relationship. We love each other with all our hearts but we are now having problems with the new person. I think the main problem is the sharing of emotions. I feel as though I am now the thrid wheel and don't receive much if any emotion from my wife, whereas our new friend(I'll call him MD) has been the primary person receiving the most from the relationship(well my wife has been the primary receiver but I hope you catch my drift). I have been feeling angry because of this neglect, as well as not wanting to look at ether of them after they have their time together. I don't feel this way when all three of us are together, we have our foreplay(MD is not comfortable with being with my wife in front of me yet but he is getting better). If I am having sex with her in front or him there are no problems. I even willingly will leave the room for the two of them to go at it. But, this doesn't happen that often, more so its been her with him then with me, but I have been feeling neglected the past couple of time we have been there. I have had bad thoughts of leaving my love, which would kill me. I just would like to know if there are any pointer that might help me with this. I will post more later cause my fingers are going numb. Any questions are welcome, and please no religous preaching because I am not, nore is my wife, religous. My wife will also be posting sometime soon to ask for so advise with issues she is having. I look forward to your responses and I hope to have better news about our relationship in the future.

redpepper 04-28-2011 05:51 AM

There is unlikely to be religious preaching on here. There is a forum for religious talk elsewhere on here that one can talk religion, so I think you'll be fine.

I would wonder what the necessity would be for you to be around to watch your wife and her boyfriend? If its not working any more, don't do it. Sometimes its fun to start out, or even helps, but usually the dynamic changes at some point. Maybe its time to chamge it up and have separate dates that are more organized in terms of time spent together in order to keep the connection with one another. That will be what rides you out for the long haul, not sex together I would think.

Question- why polyandry? Are you both married to her? Just wondering.

BlackUnicorn 04-28-2011 09:44 AM

Hullo and welcome!

Do a tag search on NRE (New Relationship Energy). It's something everyone starting out on poly will have to face at some point, and you are not the only one having hard time dealing with it. Check out Indigo's (TruckerPete's husband) posts, especially his blog. There are probably others in similar situations on this forum but he popped into my mind first.

Ariakas 04-28-2011 04:00 PM

Is part of your "opening up" a fetish of cuckolding? Does watching make you feel like you are still connected to your partner?

If so then you need to either figure out how to let that go and deal with it, or have you wife find another partner willing to do it. The reason I put 0 onus on the bf, is because I don't think he should be forced into something that makes him uncomfortable.

You being able to fuck her in front of him, does not mean he should be able to. Its just not fair.


I think the main problem is the sharing of emotions. I feel as though I am now the thrid wheel and don't receive much if any emotion from my wife, whereas our new friend(I'll call him MD) has been the primary person receiving the most from the relationship(well my wife has been the primary receiver but I hope you catch my drift).
There is no magic way to fix this. I don't believe affection/time/etc are all unlimited. I believe they have their limitations. By opening up you can sometimes feel like you lose some of that to the other person, if the other person isn't careful. NRE is a big challenge as the infatuation stage is powerful and in the hands of the wrong person can create serious neglect.

This has to be fixed in multiple ways.

Your wife has to be made to understand her focus has changed and she is treating you with less.. "love".. discuss it with her, hell give her examples. She may not see it.

and you have to realize being open can create this vacancy for a time and you need to accept you may not get all of the love/gush you once did. There is only so much time in a day haha..

Best of luck.

Surion 04-28-2011 04:35 PM

I am glad to hear about that. Some ppl that me and my wife have mentioned our new relationship to have gone into preaching even though they they know our religeous outlook. I hope after the talks with my wife will help. We are trying to work out a time to meet up with MD to talk thing out and hear his side of everything he is feeling as well. We all want this to work. MD is a great guy and I like him a lot, so as of right now we'll just need to work harder on sharing how we feel. Thx

Surion 04-28-2011 04:48 PM

Its not a problem with me wanting to see him have sex with her. When they want to fool around I like to be there for the play time and I have no problem letting them have sex. I even have left the room so they can. I do know that my wife has not been mindful of both of our feeling(she told me that last night) and we are going to try all of our best to make this work. Me and MD love her with all our hearts and we both want to keep this relationship going strong. I gess I was looking for some form of validation that I am not going mad, but I see now that I am not. Like I said before we are all new to this and just looking for ppl going or have been through similar issues. Thx

Surion 04-28-2011 04:54 PM

Well I did have a long talk with her before I posted this,and she did say that she didn't realize she was doing this. Maybe now that this has been brought to light things might be better. I will post what happens next once we all have a talk. Let all sides know how everyone is feeling and go from there.

Carma 04-28-2011 06:30 PM

Sounds like you are really starting off in a healthy, loving way! Welcome. It's going to be a wild ride, so be prepared! Everyone here says poly is not easy, but it's worth it. I am married, in a V with my husband's best friend. In my own experience, the highs are higher but the lows are really low, too. Hang on for the ride -- I do think it's worth it, loving more! :)

Surion 04-28-2011 07:58 PM

Hey carma. I'm glad to hear that we are strating out in a good way. I'm glad that I have found a group that know what we are going through.

redpepper 04-28-2011 09:28 PM

You are not alone, I am in a similar situation as your partner. Check my blog and see. We are all living together and going strong; healthy, happy and have a full life with a promising future. We had our struggles and I'm sure there will be more. It can and does work :)

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