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-   -   How to ask her? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9265)

jezebel 04-27-2011 06:19 AM

How to ask her?
Hi, there.

I recently got back into contact with a man I dated two years ago. Our relationship lasted for over three years and during that time we seriously discussed polyamory, but never acted upon these discussions. Now that he is back in my life, I realize that my feelings have not diminished in the slightest, and he says he feels the same.

As you can probably guess, he has a new girlfriend by now. We have been perfectly upfront and honest with her about the way we feel about each other, and she has been super understanding. Of course, these statements have always been couched in disclaimers such as, "I'm not trying to steal your boyfriend, but ..." so that might have something to do with it.

She is bisexual. So am I. She is the one who began our friendship via texting, and has been increasingly affectionate since then. She says that I am adorable, that I am the most amazing person ever, that she's so glad we met, that she would ride her bike two hours to meet me, etc. We have also teasingly proposed to each other. Furthermore, we are making plans to hang out this summer, and she says things like, "I'm so excited, especially because I'll be with you!" AND she wants to watch a horror movie so we can curl up and be scared together. I don't KNOW that any of this means that she is flirting with me, but we have only been speaking for two weeks, and it certainly seems flirtatious.

I recently broached the subject of polyamory with him and he said that he was for it, but I should be the one to bring it up with her. I know that, if she agrees, we will all three have a lot of talking to do, but first I have to get her to agree.

So here's the question: I'm so nervous. How do I bring it up? What if she says she's okay with polyamory in theory, and then I ask specifically and she gets weirded out? What if she isn't okay with it at all?

PolyNewbie 04-27-2011 02:30 PM

Well, you could watch a horror movie and curl up and be scared together, and see how that goes. Who knows, maybe she'll take the lead. If you're quoting her accurately, I sure wouldn't put a lot of money on that not happening. If it DOES happen, then odds are that she's already thought about polyamory and isn't going to be alarmed if you bring it up.

redpepper 04-27-2011 05:39 PM

Two weeks isn't long enough I don't think. Even if you'd met her once its not enough. Just enjoy yourself and don't take what she says as certain. Maybe you are awesome in text and in her head, but you don't know each other in a real sense.

I always exercise some caution when people I've just met tell me I'm awesome in text when they haven't met me. I personally don't invest in any of it until I have met them and some time has past.

Good question, just a tad early I think. :)

jezebel 04-28-2011 02:42 AM

Thank you, both of you, for your wonderful advice. I will certainly take it into consideration.

I did not mean to imply that I would immediately jump into a relationship with both of them--or even one of them. I just want to know if that is something that she would be open to pursuing, because I do not want to waste energy on something that she is completely closed off to. I would much rather be able to focus on getting over him and just being friends with her if that's what's going to have to happen.

bkreader 04-28-2011 11:05 PM

From the sounds of it she's definitely flirting with you, she's just trying to be subtle and not scare you off. I think the best thing to do would be the direct, but tactful approach. Don't just say "Hey, I'm poly and want to be with you and your boyfriend", but asking if she's flirting with you and telling her that you like her doesn't seem like it'd be too much to handle. If it turns out she's not interested than you can stay friends who had one slightly awkward conversation, but if things go well you can bring up poly when things feel right. Who knows, maybe once she knows you're interested she'll bring up the idea.

jezebel 04-29-2011 05:50 AM

bkreader: Thank you so, so much.

I did have that conversation with her, just to sort of see if I was getting the wrong reading so that I don't waist my time--

And she said yes! Yes, she likes me. Yes, she's open to polyamory. We realize that we'll have to take time and talk things out and see where they go, of course, but this is a start.

I'm so incredibly happy right now I cannot even begin to put it into words.

bkreader 04-29-2011 11:47 PM

That's great. Sometimes the direct approach is best:)

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