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-   -   Hard weekend for Violet and me... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=926)

HappiestManAlive 10-11-2009 01:12 AM

Hard weekend for Violet and me...
So Friday morning Anne left for Cali to see her whatever-he-is. Violet and I are having a really tough time with how that whole issue is being/has been/whatever handled.

For those not up to date on us, Anne has a long distance thing with a long time friend turned boyfriend cum not sure what they are. He alternately breaks her heart and acts like the boyfriend of the year. She and I re-founded our friendship having long talks about their relationship and pending breakup before everything spilled bout her liking me and Violet. 90% of their relationship is online and by phone and text message. They've only slept together once.

"He" does not know about us. Well, he knows a little about Anne messing around with Vi, but no clue that it's more than a passing interest or that there's a real relationship formed that involves another man; only that she's very good friends with this couple and she fools around with the female half of it every once in a while and the guy doesn't mind.

This has been the last remaining point of contention in our triad; we don't like that he's being lied too, and that she went from discussing her relationship with him with me as a friend almost daily and coming to me for support to complete cessation of discussion about him once westarted dating - she's uncomfortable about it now. I could care less where she is with him jealousy-wise - it's being kept in the dark that drives me nuts, and Violet too.

So all week we danced around the issue, and finally Thursday night while Anne and I were on our first real date and night together in weeks I pinned her down about it. Not about where she's at with him, but about the ongoing "need to know" attitude toward us about him, about how she had said she would work on that and hadn't done much there.

It went well enough. I know where she's at with him - mostly. Specifically, she is confused on how to part wys with that relationship and maintain the friendship with him, and is still dealing with "closing that chapter" and "seeing it through". I explained that that was fine - but how could we 3 all share each others lives completely when this part of her was a total mystery to Violet and me? I received many and lengthy assurances about how she was more in love with us than she's ever been in her life and that she was completely committed to this relationship. Which was good.

Except that I'm still going crazy knowing she's there and with him, and that on this end we're still not sure what that means for us. Is she breaking it off with him? Are they enjoying their time together - so rare for them - and reconnecting in new and wonderful ways? If so, does that effect her desire to be with us? Is she coming clean with him about us? Or continuing to lie, knowing what he would do (or so she thinks - but he IS the jealous type, so she's likely very right)?

The really annoying bit is that when she's with us, she will answer his texts or calls, leaving the room if need be - but she won't talk to or text either of us while she's with him, because he wouldn't understand what's going on.


EDIT - Violet corrected me. She is responding to Vi's texts, but mostly on small-talk how are the dogs type stuff. So only mine are ignored in his presence. :rolleyes:

redpepper 10-11-2009 08:08 AM

Wow, that sucks.. Lets just hope there are no texts because she's getting the job done of being straight up or baling.

MonoVCPHG 10-11-2009 09:05 AM

If momentary silence and aprehension lead to clearing up her other stuff so you can purely enjoy what you three could have than it is definitely worth it.

If it leads to different paths for her and you guys then take all the lessons you have learned and make future relationships better than ever!!

Being positive is about realizing every dark cloud does in fact have a silver lining...somtimes we just have to really look for it.

Hope it works out for all of you.

XYZ123 10-11-2009 09:51 PM

I have a question that may seem a bit childish. You say her relationship with him is long distance and she rarely sees him? Ok. So, if she's afraid to tell him about her new relationship with you, why not just use the distance as an excuse to end the relationship she has with him? It's definitely a cop out, and I will admit to that. But, at least for a little while until she can be totally honest, it's a way to make a clean break and possibly keep the friendship and avoid him treating her badly. You really can't argue with "I can't handle only seeing you only every other month and I'm growing closer to V and she's HERE". Not unless he says he'll pick up and move.

I'll sit back and wait to be bashed about my lack of honesty now. ;)

NeonKaos 10-11-2009 10:10 PM

She obviously wants to hang on to him for whatever reason, otherwise one would presume she'd do just that already.

HappiestManAlive 10-12-2009 03:30 AM

Without getting long (for once), she has several reasns for having "held on" to him thus far. None of them make a whole lot of sense to us where we are in our lives, but noth Violet and I refrain from being TOO critical because we've both been there in the past.

Update that makes most of it moot - we heard from her today, and apparently she's very unhap[py with the way he's been treating her this weekend, and has repeatedly texted us (paraphrased) "I can't wait to come home", "I iss you guys so much, I love you", "The way he's acting is a reminder how good I have it with you too, I wish I could come home today", and similar.

I feel bad that she had a negative experience, but selfish me on one shoulder is kinda smug, lol.

In any event, we pick her up from the airport tomnorrow night, and Violet and I have both commented all weekend that as much as we've always loved spending time together, it feels strange not having her around now. We miss her a lot. Violet and Lana prepared a surprise for her, they redecorated our apartment a little and rearranged all our photos to include pistures of her too. It's so sweet! :)

NeonKaos 10-12-2009 01:08 PM

I'm sorry; who's Lana again?

HappiestManAlive 10-12-2009 05:28 PM

A friend and roommate, our "girlfriend without benifits", lol.

HappiestManAlive 10-13-2009 08:23 PM

Well, she's back! And I'm confused, lol. About myself.

She related the whole story of her weekend, in detail, becuasse she wanted to not becuase we asked. And it was almost a best-case scenario as far as Violet and I are concerned! o sum it up, she tried to see where things were with him, to explore her feelings and attraction to him - he managed to do everything wrong and remind her over and over how happy she is with us and how over him she is - emotionally, their interactions, sexually, and just in general. She has been bubbling over all night and all day about how she couldn't wait to get back and how everything feels so right now, she almost broke down when she saw what Violet nad Lana had put up around the house, her pictures with ours, etc. It was a wonderful evening.

But I couldn't be as excited as I wanted to be. It was there - I could feel it, see it, touch it and taste it. But it wouldn't come all the way out. Something was holding me back from being really excited and happy, or t least from expressing it as much as I wanted to.

We didn't have much time last night as her plane landed late and we all had to be up this morning. We have a "real" date with the three of us planned tonight. Maybe things will clear up and be better, Violet and I better rested and less worried or something, lol.

Sorry, I'm rambling...

MonoVCPHG 10-13-2009 08:27 PM

Ramble away, my friend...nothing wrong with that. I'm a pro at rambling :) I hope things clear up for you soon. I know what it is like to be held back by unidentified feelings.

Take care

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