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-   -   Polyamory making our intimacy and bond stronger? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9210)

gamerprincess 04-25-2011 11:38 PM

Polyamory making our intimacy and bond stronger?
 
We've been gently getting closer going into this for the last few years for the fact that the thought of us being with a woman together or with other partners separately has made our intimacy even stronger in the times we discuss it. We've been around each other nearly non stop for over 6 years and quite frankly, things have gotten stagnant more than once, however the thought of him pleasing another lover, her pleasing him and vice versa for him and who I might be with, it's reignited the spark in our relationship that I thought was dead. I'm talking that we were intimate maybe once a month or less during the last year or two.

He's just about to meet his first potential secondary, and his desire for me since speaking to her for a week has been stronger than ever. While I was jealous at first of their communications as it's now a fantasy becoming reality, I am sitting here thinking to myself "Wow, I haven't felt this strongly for him in years..and him for me..wow, this is amazing". Last couple of weeks since actively looking again, it's been a couple times a week and now this week since the excitement has kicked in, it's been every day! I'm feeling that connection between him and I that I thought we might have lost.

Our relationship has never just been about sex, he's my best friend and soul mate and regardless of the frequency of sex, we would stay together. It's just really refreshing and wonderful that this is doing what it is for us.

I'm almost feeling euphoric about it right now and cannot wait for him to meet her to see if there's some connection between them. Though I'm wary of her past relationship he told me about, I need to give him the benefit of the doubt and let him find out for himself and make the decision.

I made him read quite a bit of poly material and I think since he understand where I'm coming from, he's showing me a lot of extra affection and intimacy right now, but I also think it's the excitement that he's feeling and I'm feeling euphoric from it, which I never thought I'd do. Since he's only going to see her once a week to start, maybe twice, there's still a lot of time for us together and I think her presence in his life is going to be positive for our relationship.

I love some of these feelings, and some of them I don't, but it certainly seems the positive feelings are starting to outweigh the negative for sure. Were any of you in our place before entering into this and did it change things positively like it seems to be doing for us?

gamerprincess 04-26-2011 01:01 AM

Silly me for not reading further...
 
I see RP had a thread on almost the exact same thing from a few years ago when looking in the archives. I figured it happens this way for most poly relationships, but then again new to all of this, I'm learning and pretty much everything I'm feeling is so new to me that I fail to stop and realize so many others have felt it too. :D

MonoVCPHG 04-26-2011 04:32 AM

In some cases yes :)
 
I can't speak directly from your point of view as I am Redpepper's boyfriend and not her spouse but....

When RP began her relationship with Derby I think we did find a new level of bonding. We talked a lot about their dynamic and I felt good in trying to do what I could to make sure the relationship was explored to the fullest. Usually this meant helping in creating time for RP to go out with her. We developed another level of bonding for sure. And my own connection to Derby was increased. We love the same person and care about the relationship each of us has with her.


Make sense?

redpepper 04-26-2011 07:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gamerprincess (Post 78502)
I see RP had a thread on almost the exact same thing from a few years ago when looking in the archives. I figured it happens this way for most poly relationships, but then again new to all of this, I'm learning and pretty much everything I'm feeling is so new to me that I fail to stop and realize so many others have felt it too. :D

I did? Hm, forgot that one. Do you have a link?

BlackUnicorn 04-26-2011 08:14 AM

NRE, or falling in love, is not really the most intelligent reactions out there. It's a hormone overdose, and hormones are not that picky.

Ever tried to help a dog who is hurting, or tried to separate two dogs fighting? The cutest and most loving family dog ever might bite their owner, not because they want to attack them, but because if somebody touches them while they are hurting, their brain makes the connection 'hurt-touch-the toucher is hurting me', and they lash out.

So when you are walking around, all soaked up in hormones, and your established partner touches you, your brains make the same connection. It's like booze; ethanol doesn't really make you more sociable, but makes you more reactive to the moods around you. So if you are drunk at a party where people are having a good time, you start feeling good. If you are drunk home alone and watching weepy films, you start feeling lonely.

RobFire 04-26-2011 05:16 PM

Feeling Good
 
When my wife and I tried poly briefly, it did, for the most part, bring us a lot closer to each other. We communicated more, we were even more intimate, and our sex life was enhanced.

Some of this was shared excitement, some NRE. In the end, our poly "experiement" ended with the negatives outweighing the positives.

We'd never gotten so far as me introducing my wife to one of the women I had gone on a date or 2 with.

Since then there's been a lot of healing, and a lot of soul searching. I do not know if there's any poly future for us, but we've gotten back to a stable place.

But to your original question, yes. It brought us much closer to each other in the beginning.

gamerprincess 04-26-2011 07:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 78534)
I did? Hm, forgot that one. Do you have a link?

Figures now that I go back into the archives and I can't find it! Once I find it, I'll post the link :)

gamerprincess 04-26-2011 07:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 78534)
I did? Hm, forgot that one. Do you have a link?

Ahh, here it is :)

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1693

Ariakas 04-27-2011 04:51 PM

I would agree with this. There is a strength in allowing freedom and trust. That strength creates the atmosphere for more intimacy and strength.

All of the control mechanisms involved in monogamy, while they may work for some, can crush and cripple openness in some people. Some if you are poly/open then those gateways remain open, happy and available. Creating stronger overall relationships throughout whoever or whatever you are involved in...

Ironically, posting this just made me see something I have been remaining blind too...

This may not apply for all for the record, but does for me.

Derbylicious 04-27-2011 05:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gamerprincess (Post 78653)

I love that everyone is digging up old threads these days...they are making me smile. :D


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