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-   -   What to expect... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9195)

toralatigra 04-25-2011 09:23 PM

What to expect...
 
I'm new to the poly way of life, and have recently met a wonderful man who is poly, he and his wife have been together for about 18 years, are legally married, and have 4 children all under the age of 18 together. they live together about 20/25 minutes away from where I live. He's told me that he's had a handful of relationships but they were only emotionally intimate, but in the last few months his wife and him decided to allow for physical as well as emotional intimacy if a relationship progresses to that point. I should also mention that his wife is poly but has no interest right now in other relationships, but from what he has said is fully supportive of him finding another love, ... and they have already been talking about me as a potential partner/love. She is straight as am I.

Never having been in a poly relationship, I am unsure what to expect as a secondary relationship. I know it will mostly depend on him and his wife. They have a 3rd date rule that says after him and I go on a third date, I'll get to sit down with him and his wife and talk about everything, but not knowing much about it, I was hoping to see ideas/suggestions from other people who have been in a similar place and maybe share stories with me about how things happened for them. Really any advice, articles for people looking at being a secondary relationship to a married poly couple with kids, and anything else potentially helpful would be amazing. I've been searching the web, but have had no luck so far.

Thank you!

redpepper 04-26-2011 06:34 AM

Have you tried a tag search here? There are some great threads on "secondaries" that might help... "triad" and "vee" might be a good search also.

toralatigra 04-26-2011 06:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 78527)
Have you tried a tag search here? There are some great threads on "secondaries" that might help... "triad" and "vee" might be a good search also.

I have tried searching those tags, but couldn't find anything about what to possibly expect, and most of the other threads seemed to be about vees where the woman is the hinge and there isn't a marriage with kids involved with the primary relationship.

redpepper 04-26-2011 07:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toralatigra (Post 78531)
I have tried searching those tags, but couldn't find anything about what to possibly expect, and most of the other threads seemed to be about vees where the woman is the hinge and there isn't a marriage with kids involved with the primary relationship.

Hm, well there is one honking one that's really good on a secondaries bill of rights. Did you miss it maybe? It was from some time back.

redpepper 04-26-2011 07:14 AM

I just looked, try "secondary" and "primary/secondary" as well. Maybe someone else will chime is with some thoughts.

BlackUnicorn 04-26-2011 07:49 AM

Hullo and welcome!

Quote:

Originally Posted by toralatigra (Post 78449)
Never having been in a poly relationship, I am unsure what to expect as a secondary relationship. I know it will mostly depend on him and his wife.

Yep, and on you, too! What do you want? What do you need? Giving sage advice on poly is so hard because people are so different in what comes to their needs and expectations. Some people are perfectly happy having a primary LDR where they get to see their love once or twice a year. Me, I would go batshit crazy. I don't even sleep very well on my own. So on my list of 'secondary' needs would be that I need a sleeping buddy during stay-overs, be it a man, a woman, a child or the family pet. Another thing? I really really like to brush my teeth twice or thrice a day. Forgetting to bring my toothbrush is a MAJOR issue for me. So there needs to be space for my toothbrush in their bathroom that is always there waiting for me, ready for some real scrubbing action!

So it can be something really trivial and silly like that, or something deep and profound, or anything in between. Only you can be the judge of that. None of the above would apply, of course, if I would never go to their place for sleepovers. A good way to start would be to imagine how many nights/days per week you would ideally want to spend with your new squeeze, and figure where would it be, and what would you do.

toralatigra 04-26-2011 10:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 78542)
Hullo and welcome!



Yep, and on you, too! What do you want? What do you need?

So it can be something really trivial and silly like that, or something deep and profound, or anything in between. Only you can be the judge. A good way to start would be to imagine how many nights/days per week you would ideally want to spend with your new squeeze, and figure where would it be, and what would you do.

Thank you for this, I think I'll take what you said and kinda make a list of the things I need and want and see what they think when I end up meeting her.

toralatigra 04-26-2011 10:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 78535)
Hm, well there is one honking one that's really good on a secondaries bill of rights. Did you miss it maybe? It was from some time back.

I found the thread you mentioned, this helps a bit. I'm still hoping to great from others who were in the same situation at some point in their past, or who have advice for someone with limited relationship experience and no poly relationship experience.
Thanks!

toralatigra 05-01-2011 09:35 AM

Update
 
I went out on a first date tonight with the new guy, it was a fantastic date! :) He brought me roses, and was a total gentleman. I'm got to ask all of my questions about polyamor and we were both so open and honest with each other... he told me things that only a small handful of people know about him. And I did the same in return. We shared our first kiss/kisses tonight as well... it was ... amazing. I felt such a connection, and I think he did too.

Our next date I get to meet his wife, and we'll get to talk make sure all boundries and rules are clear. One of the rules they have is no physical intimacy until after his wife and I have met and talked. So I'm sure that's something we'll talk about. ...

... Now I just need be patient until the next date... which is going to be hard, since, well I can tell I'm experiencing NRE, and I'm just so excited about the chemistry and connection between me and the new guy.

Any advice on how to be a bit more patient and not let the NRE overwhelm me?

redpepper 05-01-2011 06:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toralatigra (Post 79470)
Any advice on how to be a bit more patient and not let the NRE overwhelm me?

I'm so happy for you :) it sounds really promising so far! Excellent... :)

The good thing about poly NRE is that you get to make it last for a long time because of the time between dates... patience is a practised thing. I guess you will be practising ;) I suggest using the energy you have to feel on top of the world about everything in your life. It isn't often we get to feel like you do right now, so milk it for all its worth; do nice things for yourself, for people you love, do some random acts of kindness even! Enjoy! :)


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