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-   -   Beauty of the self-preserving entity (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=919)

MonoVCPHG 10-09-2009 04:58 AM

Beauty of the self-preserving entity
 
This is not my usual post. This post is a look into my love for Redpepper and the importance of our connection. People often wonder how our natures can co-exist in a healthy relationship. Our differences are immense in some areas but our love is equal and feeds of the work required to keep us together. This post is the result of a very emotional talk we had today. She felt me pulling back. I often do this when she experiences excitement in new friendships or if I focus on her nights with anyone other than her husband. The compersion I have for the relationship with her husband is total and unforced. It is natural but does not extend to anyone else. And so we began our conversation, tears and realizations.

If I repeat myself from other posts and this annoys you, simply stop reading; this post is for me as much as anyone else.

The level of trust I have in Redpepper is total and without equal to any one person in the world. She knows my collective experiences and secrets. No one person has her insight into who I am or what has made me the person I am today.

My love for her was immediate, passionate and proof to me that we have loved before and will love again. My love for her has in fact transcended any I have felt before and is beyond the need for a specific expression. We have a romantic, intimate relationship… this is without question and again beyond any I would have imagined.

The connection between us continues to stagger us and I have full belief that we are one being working towards re-uniting through many lives.

This connection is the most important thing to me. It is not sex, romance, or being her “lover”. It is that feeling that our heart and souls are joined and simply that she is in the world.
I have come to realize that there is something inside me that is primal, subconscious and aware. It is an energy that seeks her own and will do whatever it takes to stay connected to what it has finally found again.

What does this mean to me? This means that my love for her will be shaped in the closest way possible with only one requirement; that I remain healthy in the manner I express it. Right now we express our love as “lovers”. Passion and sex is our pinnacle of communication in sharing that connection. During those moments we feel complete and the aching that reside inside us both stops. We are both healthy in this. I am healthy in this.

My love is beyond the need to express it in a specific way. I know it could be reshaped in many ways to remain connected. Perhaps friendship, perhaps merely knowing she is in the world. The entity inside me, which is a part of the entity in her, will ensure that this happens. It will take care of keeping me healthy in our connection. It will not allow me to express my love in a way that hurts my phsyci. I trust in this to guide me beyond where my emotional thoughts might leave me if unchecked and ignored….broken, depressed and resentful of her.

If sex and passion can no longer be the healthy way for me to communicate and remain connected than that will change. I accept that and take great comfort in knowing I will get to share in her life still. If sex and passion remain the pinnacle of our expression, that is great as well and is definitely my preferred state of love.

It is the trust in this entity and it’s following of destiny that lets me acknowledge possibilities of change but still move forward within our relationship. I intend to be in her life forever. I would love to express it as we do now. I know I will always express it in a way that is healthy to me.

Whatever happens in our future will be a product of our natures and our destiny. I have faith that our path will always be the right one.

Redpepper finds sadness in this in a lot of ways..I find acceptance, freedom and peace.

I love her with everything I have.

nya47 10-09-2009 05:07 AM

I have to say, this is inspirational. Thank you so much for sharing, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

MonoVCPHG 10-09-2009 05:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nya47 (Post 8582)
Thank you so much for sharing, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

Thanks, you too :)

vandalin 10-09-2009 06:08 AM

You continue to awe and inspire me. I think it is wonderful how you are able to know yourself so well and what you can and can't accept for yourself and your life.

MonoVCPHG 10-09-2009 06:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vandalin (Post 8586)
I think it is wonderful how you are able to know yourself so well and what you can and can't accept for yourself and your life.

Thanks V. It sometimes seems to come across as a lack of value in my love because it could reshape quickly to maintain connection...in actuality it is an abundance of love.

redpepper 10-09-2009 07:10 AM

I am in such awe of your words. I find it difficult to respond and sit here, knowing I want to, knowing I should, yet I am unable to respond with the eloquence and heartfelt poetry that my heart wants to pour out. The words I am about to write are so small compared to what my heart feels as it reaches through the city to yours, all snug in the bed that we share when I am with you.

Our talk today began with my perceived notion that you were uncomfortable with my meeting up with an old friend that has potential to possibly be a lover.... although this meeting was simply a rekindling of friendship and a trip down memory lane I knew that this over riding possibility was difficult for you. Not to mention that I had arranged for my husband and I to see our tertiary tonight. Further to that, it has been a hell of a day in regards to the drama with my mother and we are again left battered and worn from her method of trying to dictate what she thinks is a righteous path for us.

You have handled yourself beautifully through all of this today; been kind to me when I have been frantic and tearful, listened to my rage around my mothers issues, held me tight when you came on your lunch hour to see me because you knew I was desperate, smoothed my hair and held my face close to yours to give me kisses and gentle words of encouragement when I stole a moment with you at your house this afternoon.

And now this.

It makes me weep when I read it because I know I have found someone who loves like I do. Who loves me as much as I love them. Loves without reservation and with staggering amounts of trust and connection. I am forever grateful for your patience and unending ability to love without a limit.

I can only assume that we are on the right path love, regardless of what pressures from outside and whatever baggage we bring to the table. All three of us have built a fortress of love, support, and trust. How can we go wrong with that....?

Forever baby. I am yours forever.

cosmicfreedom7 10-09-2009 07:40 AM

Quite simply...when we are on the right path especially a path filled with love and soulful connections, some not restrained by time, all those negative and dark thigns in the world try to rise up to throw us off, to test us and to batter us to break us. It is in those moments that we need to be strong and focus on what is between us and what we have and hang on for all we're worth because *this* that you have will always prevail in the end no matter what we deal with in between.

You have one another and THAT is half the battle!!

LovingRadiance 10-09-2009 08:06 AM

Tears brought to my eyes.
Mono-you so remind me of C it's unreal. Just flat weird sometimes!

Thank you both (mono/rp) for sharing.

XYZ123 10-09-2009 01:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 8587)
Thanks V. It sometimes seems to come across as a lack of value in my love because it could reshape quickly to maintain connection...in actuality it is an abundance of love.

It doesn't come across as a lack of value at all, not to me. It actually comes across as having immense value, to the point you would sacrifice your way of expressing your love and reshape that expression in order to keep your love in your life healthily. This is completely unselfish, as the easy thing would be to simply turn away in hurt and rejection if the relationship didn't take the path you wanted. Instead, you can hold the love in your heart and the importance of the emotions, rather than the physical expression and remain in her life in whatever capacity is healthy and least harmful for all involved. You are a remarkable man and redpepper is lucky to have you in her life. But she already knows this. ;) As you know you are lucky to have her. :)

MonoVCPHG 10-09-2009 04:49 PM

We're both very lucky indeed :)


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