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-   -   Rocky Start (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=917)

Polyphemus 10-08-2009 08:51 PM

Rocky Start
 
Diary style post.

We've been married for 10 years. I've always thought that open relationships were a good idea, my wife scoffed the first time I mentioned it. But we have experimented with others, which we now regret. We've had crushes on other people, but hadn't really felt the NRE with anyone else... until recently.

I think she's in love, but she doesn't call it that. She says it's a just a big crush, & she's obsessed with him. When this started, I could tell something new was up, but we hadn't been able to put it in words. I really freaked out a couple of times, including crying, depression, really bad thoughts, I felt betrayed. I had done a lot of reading on the subject, and I was surprised I reacted that way.

I'm doing better in that dept now. I'm very supportive, and I believe my jealously is under control. I do have to reassure myself when I get bad thoughts. But I've always really wanted this, and I'm working on it.

We have a wonderful relationship, great communication. We have no secrets. We support each other.

She can't be with her new crush because he and her best friend are a couple and her best friend said she doesn't want to share. That makes he very sad, and she's often depressed about it. This brings me down too sometimes.

Thanks for this space. I love this community.

MonoVCPHG 10-08-2009 09:07 PM

Does this guy know she has a crush on him? Wlecome to the forums BTW!

Polyphemus 10-08-2009 09:34 PM

Yep, they've chatted quite a bit, sometimes quite steamy chats. They prolly could have had sex about a month ago, but that was when I had a bout of depression, and I asked for the relationship to be closed for a while.

MonoVCPHG 10-08-2009 09:40 PM

I'm glad they respected that...how does his girlfriend come into play? If she is not willing to share how would they have had sex regardless? Is he thinking of ending his relationship to pursue a poly path?

LovingRadiance 10-09-2009 08:02 AM

welcome to the forum.

Polyphemus 10-09-2009 01:24 PM

Thanks for the welcome. I found this place two days ago and I thinks it's soooo awesome.

He had just broken up with his old girlfriend, and he told my Nin about it. Two days later Nins best friend swooped in. There was a small window were they could have gotten together. Nin resents me a tiny bit for the missed opportunity. Which upsets me.

On this forum, do most people have primary and secondary relationships? Or do most think things should always be as equal as possible?

NeonKaos 10-09-2009 01:46 PM

I think there is a deluded sense that things "should" be equal... but as George Orwell wrote, "some are more equal than others".

Some people beat themselves up trying to "force" equality rather than achieving said "equality" by letting the "Un-equality" exist and run its course.

This is being discussed in at least two other threads on this forum. I wish people would read older messages. They are not that old, this forum has been up for less than a year; there is a lot of good information people have taken the time to think over and type out, and it's obvious that new people don't read them because they ask the same basic questions that have already been discussed at great length and in great detail. It would be one thing if someone walked into a conversation in the middle of a party and needed to be brought up to speed verbally, but here we have the benefit of archiving all our discussions with a variety of ways to search for what we want, or to browse the menu categories. It boggles my mind how many folks fail to utilize this resource to its fullest capacity.

I'm just saying...

Fidelia 10-09-2009 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Polyphemus (Post 8606)
On this forum, do most people have primary and secondary relationships? Or do most think things should always be as equal as possible?

In polyamorous relationships, as in much of life, "one size des not fit all." Each relationship and situation is unique. There are primaries, secondaries, terisiaries, V's, triads, quads, open marriages, networks, and just about anything one can concieve of.

NeonKaos 10-09-2009 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Polyphemus (Post 8606)

He had just broken up with his old girlfriend, and he told my Nin about it. Two days later Nins best friend swooped in. There was a small window were they could have gotten together. Nin resents me a tiny bit for the missed opportunity. Which upsets me.


I missed this before.

Why the fsck should she resent YOU for that??

I'd be upset too if I were in your place. In fact, I'm almost upset FOR you.

Ceoli 10-09-2009 04:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YGirl (Post 8609)
I think there is a deluded sense that things "should" be equal... but as George Orwell wrote, "some are more equal than others".

Some people beat themselves up trying to "force" equality rather than achieving said "equality" by letting the "Un-equality" exist and run its course.

I think how we define equality is the issue. I prefer to think of things as "fair" rather than equal. Fairness is more along the lines of "equal opportunity to have my needs met in a relationship". Knowing that my needs are not going to be the same as other people's needs and that there is always going to be a balance. However, in that balancing act, my needs are being taken into consideration rather than being trumped by the needs or insecurities of another partner.

(and I see nothing wrong with with topics showing up in more than one thread....there are always differences and nuances, and there has never been a perfectly compartmentalized forum in the history of the internet)


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