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-   -   I need advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=916)

mzd 10-08-2009 02:14 PM

I need advice
Ok, so I'm very new to the polyamory life. I just found out there was a word for it and have been on the computer for 2 days reading everything I can find. Nothing I have found is close to what is going on in my life. I can't be the only one with this kind of issue.
Heres my story. I started massage school last Aug and met a girl. We were just friends until one drunkin Feb night. I have been married for 14 year and have 2 wonderful children 13 and 10. I'm husband caught us and like many men asked if he could join. This is my first bisexual relationship. Even though I have always been attracted to women.
Things have been going great. She even went with us on our family vacation. The kids love her and her spending the night and being around all the time doesn't seem to bother them a bit. They even ask if she coming over. We have never told the kids what kind of relationship it is. Heres the kicker we now have to explain to them the nature of our relationship and that she is pregnant. We have talked about how we plan to raise the baby. That all three of us are going to be equal parents. At this time she is not going to move in, but get an apartment close to us. We have all agreed that we moved realy fast in the begining. That we need to take a step back and slow it down for the kids and everyone feelings. I'm still working threw some jelousy issues because he was just mine for so long. Even though I love seeing them together and I couldn't bare to loose her, she a great person and I love her. My 10yr daughter I think will be fine with it. My son on the other hand I'm not sure how to go about it with him. To make him understand that his dad isn't cheating and to not loose his respect. He is a very differant and complex child not at all like other boys.
We are also having problems with her mom. She doesn't understand or except that it is all of us. That she is not just sleeping with a married man. I think she needs to be more straight forward and completly honest with her mom. She has never told her the complete truth. Her mom think that it was just sex and we a just going to be friends and going to play an active part in the baby's life. She doesn't think her mom can handle the whole truth. I've told her moms can deal with alot more than we think as long as we don't treat them like thier stupid.
She also plans on lieing to the rest of her family and her dad. I think an entire lifetime is a long time to keep this kind of a lie. Expecialy when the baby starts talking and talks about his/her other momma. My husband and I have both told our parents and gave them the honest truth. Both sets have taken it well and understand that stuff like this happens. They still haven wraped thier head around it being a loving relationship yet. They think it was just sex, but we have told them that it is more than that. It's going to take time for then to completly understand. Right now they think we're swingers.
So you see any advice would help.

Fidelia 10-08-2009 02:33 PM

Boy howdy, do y'all know how to hit the ground running, or what! I can't offer any useful advice or guidance on your situation, but I did want to say Hi! and welcome to the forums.

I'll betcha someone here's got some words of wisdom for you, and I'll double my bet on those words include "honest" "open" and "communication."

I wish all of you the best possible outcome.

MonoVCPHG 10-08-2009 02:50 PM

Advice?..sounds to me that you guys are doing awesome! Honesty, acting responsible with the baby, openess with your parents.....what's to add to that? :)

Maybe one thing...The protectiveness of a young man and his mother will be a little tricky. I would suggest you do the talking.

Take care

mzd 10-08-2009 02:51 PM

Yes we sure do! Our marrage was the same way. I met him Sep 95 by Oct I was pregnant, Feb we got married. I was only 17 and him 22. It has taken alot of work, but it has been a wonderful ride.

Serendipity 10-09-2009 03:51 PM

Forewarning, I don't have children and am SO not in that stage in my life. But, from what I understand about the way young ones handle family situations like this... chances are they're thinking about what this means for them.

Try to put yourself in their spot. Your son will probably wonder what this will mean in his life. If you are all being mom and dad to the new baby, does that mean he's got to treat all of you as his moms and dad too? How often should he expect to see the baby? What is the baby to him, his new brother/sister? How much of your time will be taken away from him to take care of the baby? How is he supposed to tell you if he feels like he's not being payed enough attention to?

As for helping him retain respect for his father as not someone who's cheating, maybe try and frame it in the perspective that this baby is part of the whole family, and not just something his father did by accident. Make sure he knows that this baby is your baby too, and you want this as much as them, and its all a decision made by the three of you to be a family. And I think what Mono said, about making sure you're the one doing the talking at first.

Your kids can probably sense any jealousy issues you're grappling with, and of course those are all natural. I think being honest about those feelings will help them accept that its a real thing, and not just something you're hiding and struggling with on your own or that you secretly hate all this.

As for helping the kids to understand that you are all in love with each other, and that its not strange, maybe go from the perspective that there's lots of room for lots of kinds of love. And more people doesn't mean the love is split up. Just like when his sister was born, and when this baby is born, it doesn't mean you love him less. Just like when this new woman came into your lives, his mom and dad didn't love each other any less.

I do believe that as far as your lover's family is concerned, it would be a shame to try and raise the baby with an air of secrecy forced on the child. Whether you say it out loud or not around the child while it grows up, your actions, the amount of time spent visiting, the tension in the air or mood while with her family, all of those things affect a baby. I think its best to find a way to be honest with all of her family about it, and if they have trouble accepting it then A: at least they'll be able to hold the adults responsible for their judgments, not the baby. and B: if they still do impose their judgments upon the baby, its probably best to keep a safe emotional distance between them and the baby, and be able to explain to the child honestly about WHY the situation is the way it is.

At least in this fashion, he or she doesn't have to grow up lying. Keeping this a secret will imply to the child that the circumstance of his or her life are shameful. While some people might feel that way or express that to him or her, at the very least its parents should be willing to say it openly and make him/her feel like there's nothing wrong with it.

Just.... my two cents.

mzd 11-02-2009 03:37 PM

So I have a sad update. Our girlfriend told us last weekend she didn't want to be with us anymore and just wants to be friends. That she loves us but she wants to be normal. What is normal anyway? I think she should have thought about that before she got preg with a married couples child. Can you be "normal" after that?

MonoVCPHG 11-02-2009 03:53 PM

Ummm...what about the baby? Support, raising?
Sorry to hear this.

mzd 11-02-2009 04:12 PM

All the same questions I have. She's really not talking to us. I can get her to reply to a text but when I ask about the next dr app or when they're going to find out the sex I don't get a response. I have no idea what going on in her head. We just wanted to love her and be a family with her. We had just talked to the our kids and they were really cool about the hole thing. Now they want to know why she is being so rude and not coming around. I'm at a loss.

MonoVCPHG 11-02-2009 04:20 PM


Originally Posted by mzd (Post 10775)
Now they want to know why she is being so rude and not coming around. I'm at a loss.

This is a good point in looking at any relationship. I'm glad you brought attention to it. People who become involved with others with children have an added layer of responsibility. Not only do you have to consider your lover's feelings but you have a responsibility to consider any children as well. If you decide to become close to the children, as I have with Redpepper's son, you have a responsibility to not confuse, hurt or at least try not to disapoint them inadvertently.
I hope she starts communicating with you soon so you have an idea of what is going through her head.

NeonKaos 11-02-2009 05:01 PM

I don't get it, did she get pregnant on accident or did you three all plan it together?

Either way - I don't think most people put as much thought as they should into bringing a new person to life who didn't even ask to be born.

Call me judgmental - it won't be the first time or the last and I am ok with that.

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